crunchy taters

Well, today was officially my first day on my own, cooking alone, living...alone. Can you tell I'm a bit lonely? It was fine for a bit when Rachel came by and dropped off her stuff, it was nice seeing her again. We chatted about lots of things, I showed her the awesome bowls and such I bought at the little Japanese town just outside of Manhattan. Right now she's off celebrating her boyfriend's birthday. I felt very much like a mom when they were leaving - I turned around and said to them, "Have fun," while I was busy chopping vegetables. The only thing I'm missing is an apron - speaking of aprons, I did, in fact forget an apron. Oh well, I'll just be a super careful cooker. I also forgot an umbrella, hopefully it won't rain too much, or maybe I can beg Rachel to give me a ride to Kohls (or some umbrella selling place) .
So as part of my settling in experience, I tried to make potato salad. Usually my potato salads come out well. For some reason the potatos tricked me though. I boiled them for around 20 minutes, did a "stick the fork in and see if it's done" test, and it came out well. They were all well-done like when I was dicing them, but now? They seemed to have crisped up. Poo. I wonder what I'm going to do with them now...Maybe I can try to resurrect them, but I can't think of anything that would render them cooked and tasty...well, maybe I could try adding tomatoes....maybe...though I don't actually own any tomatoes at the moment. That's something I need to go out and buy. And vinegar - I didn't have vinegar - that might be a reason why the potatos are causing me such culinary anguish. I doubt it though...ah well...at least the boiled eggs came out just as perfectly as they always do when I cook them.
I also washed the dishes many many times today out of sheer boredom. My parents would be ecstatic to hear I've washed all the dishes. Then they'll ask me, "How come you never wash the dishes when you're at home?"
Strangely, I don't feel like ever eating another potato again. Except I think I ought to give them another chance. Perhaps I'll experiment with my medium rare potato salad tomorrow, or try frying some potatoes and onions like my mom does - for that though, I really need an apron...Maybe I'll go bother Rachel...

Bye Bye

It seems that nowadays, summer vacation always rushes by in a blink of an eye. I get out of school, I go to my summer job a couple of times, and then my bags are all packed and I'm leaving for school in less than 24 hours. I do look forward to the work that's awaiting me and seeing all my friends there, a little nervous about cooking for myself though. I know I would have had to start doing that eventually, but still, it's a bit strange once actually confronted by the situation.
I think I'll miss Danbury - there's something nice about being at home. I feel comfortable, and there isn't some constant force in the back of my mind pressing me to get around to some chore that I've left for far too long. I don't feel quite so lonely too in that sometimes I'm constantly checking my email and wishing for someone to talk to, but when I'm at home, that seldom ever happens. I'll definitely miss Marlen and Matt and all my other Danbury friends. My parents took Marlen and me to Todai in White Plains today for a farewell sushi lunch. We all enjoyed it quite thoroughly, and I doubt I'm going to want to eat dinner tonight, I'm that full. And then we fixed up Marlen's new laptop with Microsoft Office and some various other needed pieces of software. I thought it'd be a nice going away present of sorts, except that we mixed the installation processes up a bit and had to re-image the whole thing. Dad said that on the bright side, she'll know what to do when her computer completely dies on her. I suppose that makes sense - I think it still would have been better if the whole experience was trauma free. I also feel a bit sad that I'm leaving behind certain things yet again...like Brendan Irving...it'll be sad, especially now that he knows I exist and he didn't seem repulsed by my presence, and it's silly that I feel that way since I've only seen him this once since he graduated high school, and I'll probably never see him again...Ah well, he's like a modern-day Adonis, he probably has a crowd of women after him. I'll just leave him to that.
Anyhow, I now have to unplug my computer and stuff it into a box. Good bye, Danbury. It was nice seeing you again.

I love Triple 5 Soul

Ahh! Back from the great and wondrous island of Manhattan! This time around, I went pretty much knowing that I'd look like a country bumpkin so I went out of my way to just be as comfy as possible, hence the wearing of my trustee old cut-off jeans and my nice and baggy red capris. O yes, and the nice worn in sandals I've had since the seventh grade. May thought it'd be a great opportunity to wear her new sandals and now she has blisters all over her feet. I'll be a mean and horrible sister and cackle at her misfortune. O and this time around, we went exploring with cousin Louise. Being that I know that I'll never be able to look pretty next to cousin Louise, I decided that I'd just chop off my hair and be comfortable, hence the hairstyle that I had when I was 10, just a big wispier and thus more "stylish." Whatever, I still looked in the mirror and thought, "I'm ten again..."
I think that every trip to Manhattan has it's own highlight. The first trip was the awesome bowls and tea cups and a nice model-looking fellow winking at me in Dean & Deluca. This time, my highlight was finding Lafayette Ave. and the stores "G-Star" and "Triple 5 Soul." Even though they're extremely expensive and most of their things cater to the rich and famous hip hop stars of today, I found that a few of their wares were less gaudy and very cool looking. My new fashion revolution is to become a trendy Manhattanite - though I don't know about this whole losing 10 pounds ordeal...Anyway, I bought myself a very cool khaki winter jacket that's very warm with several layers of lining and lovely brass buttons at T5S (it's their flagship store, I think they have a website too), and then I bought a little cordoruy workers cap at G-Star. Put it together with my recently bought Aeropostale cargo pants and we get a Commi straight out of '50s China sans little red star on the hat and little red book in hand. It makes me tempted to go out and trick-or-treat on Halloween yelling Communist slogans. And maybe someone should dress as Senator McCarthy, that would be fun too. I also find it ironic that the way that I got to look so Communist was by catering to the capitalistic society of Manhattan. Ironic, sort of.
O, another note (this paragraph is not as happy as the others, so feel free to stop reading), when we got home, my mom got a phone call from a sort of acquaintance/friend/client of hers and apparently they are having a bit of trouble right now. The trouble? Their three year old son was playing in the kitchen and managed to get his own left hand chopped off. Very sad, it is. Though, if we looked at it from a better angle - at least he didn't have too much time to become attached to that hand...

Tempus Fugit

Hmmm...Summer's coming to a close already and it seems to have barely started. I've made a couple thousand dollars, lazed a few weeks, and now, moving into the apartment is only a week away. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it'll be nice to use my brain again, on the other, I rather like sitting around my house doing absolutely nothing. Though depression of late has hit me slightly. Not really feeling inadequacy or paranoia, just a bit of sad regret that I had a wonderful opportunity and I let it go. Ah well, I guess I'll just have to pretend that I took it in my dreams and be happy with that.
Anyhoo, I spent yesterday with Marlen and Brett and Brett's friends at his place. Really pretty house, and great conversation. O, and there were castles filled with recovering drug addicts just down the street and around the corner! And I trespassed on private property, even though there wasn't anyone or anythign around that could even catch us trespassing. And I saw my first not-in-a-glass-case-at-a-zoo snake. A teeny tiny one that Marlen decided to poke with a snake - I don't care how tiny it was, it still has fangs...And that was followed by eating blueberry pancakes and listening to someone talk about the current state of her bowels - most fascinating - makes me wish I had bowel problems to be bold enough to talk about. It was a good day.

Joy

Yesterday was the best day ever! I almost don't want to quit Williams Sonoma now, except I still live in mortal terror of the manager.

The Holocaust of the Carrots

Today, I found out that the clothing store, Abercrombie & Fitch, is a front for the antichrist (http://www.bju.edu/prospective/expect/dress) and wearing it makes me a bad Christian. I also found out that all Witches have a great fear of "our Lord of Darkness," and that only the armor of God and belief in the Lord Jesus Christ can save us from the demons they raise (http://www.bju.edu/resources/faith/1977/issue9/occult.html). I found out that women and men shall never be equal, and that ladies wearing pants are immodest, and New Age music is the work of the devil (http://www.bju.edu/prospective/expect/rhall). O Lord, thank you for enlightening me, thank you for the creation of such wondrous institutions that aren't recognized by satanic organizations such as the college board. Thank you, dear God, for creating a place called Bob Jones University! I'm awash in religious fervor, can you tell? I'd shout aloud in joy and dance for you, o great and beauteous Lord, but for the fact that the Prayer Captain would hear me and punish me for such a grievous sin!
(Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the present day. This is the age in which men and women have equal opportunities in education and labor. I have found here a time warp, where you, yes you, can step into the 50s. Let us all go and glory in the light of god, and hear the reverend preach the good word in our segragated pews.)
Let us pray now, my flock, let us pray and remember the (forbidden) words of "Reverend" Maynard James Keenan, "...and the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber, and took me on high, and higher still until we moved through the spaces betwixt the earth itself, and he brought me unto a vast farmland of our own midwest, and as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear, and terror possessed me then; and I begged, 'Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?' And the angel said unto me, 'These are the cries... of the carrots! The cries of the carrots! You see, Reverand Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day, and to them, it is ...the holocaust." And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers, and roared, 'Hear me now! I've seen the light! They have a consciousness! They have a life! They have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!' Can I get an amen..Can I get a hallelujah..Thank you, Jesus!"

The Monsters We Create

I was talking to Marlen about recent happenings when I started to think about how we, as children, unwittingly create the monsters of tomorrow.
First example, her coworker - Tanya - was a classmate of mine in elementary and middle school. Most recently, she called my best friend - a sophisticated, practical and pretty girl - a nasty and ugly person. This made me think - always, children made fun of Tanya because she was overweight, un-hygenic and had a very large and ugly mole on her neck. They furthered it by accusing her of picking her nose and eating what she found. Basically, she's spent most of her life as the butt of jokes, hated and ridiculed. And now, she's a nasty girl, still dirty, who offers sexual favors for what she believes is respect, makes horribly mean comments to undeserving people and tells lies in order to make herself seem more popular. She dropped out of high school apparently, and spends her time selling shoes at the mall. Now, I still think badly of her, worse than I used to, in fact, but who can blame her for what she is? I feel it's partially my fault that she's the horrible person that she is because I stopped trying to defend her in middle school. Yes, in elementary school I was the defender of the nose-pickers (geez, what a horrible sounding title) - I used to chase away the kids making fun of Tanya and Trisha and yell things like, "No they don't!" So sure, I feel a bit bad that I didn't try to keep being her friend - if I did she might not be so nasty and might have actually graduated high school. On the other hand, I feel angry at her because she let herself become this monster, a self-degrading, mindless, pathetic sort of being whose Arab coworker calls "sharmuta."
Another recent event was a foreign exchange student mistaking my best friend for a prostitute. Now, it was, yet again, totally undeserved, as I saw her attire for the day was much more conservative than what I was wearing, and she wasn't loitering in any suggestive manner, unless waiting for the bus is suggestive... It did remind me of the movie, "Monster," where the main character was treated as a whore. Boys would ask her for sexual favors or even something as simple as lifting up her shirt, and they would thank her by throwing a few dollars in her face. And thus, she grew up expecting these sort of things and became a prostitute. Yet again, another girl was mistreated and grew up to be a whore.
When I think of it, do we grow up to be what people expect us to be? If anyone were to be mistreated for long enough, do they begin to degrade themselves in their own minds? Yet another reason for me to never have children - I don't want anyone under my responsibility to ever warp the life of another, nor do I want a child who will only ever be able to aspire to be a monster.

Just Missed

I just realized that I haven't seen my sister all day. No, she's not missing. It's just that she gets up at 5 A.M. and gets home at 6, and then goes to bed at 10. I get up whenever, go to work an hour before she gets home and I get home after she goes to bed. Funny, no?

Mean Manager

I must say, I'm very glad I'm going to be leaving Williams Sonoma in a week. It's not that I don't like it there - though the days are much slower than they are in Filene's. I think it's more that there's one particular person I don't like - more like I'm quite terrified of her. One of my managers is very good at yelling at me, yelling at me loudly. Maybe it's not that she's actually angry, but she has a permanent wrinkle in her brow, a mouth that defaults to a frown, and that loud piercing voice that carries across the room. Maybe she doesn't mean to yell at me so negatively, but it sure as heck feels like I'm constantly being scolded. I also have to resist the temptation to talk trash about her because she turns up where I don't expect her. It just seems she speaks much more nicely to others than she does to me. For one, she always jokes around with Nolan - who, immediately after leaving the stockroom today, made an obscene comment about the manager in relation to his genitalea. Funny, no? And it almost made me wonder if she was jealous that Nolan always talks to me...nah... Still, wouldn't that be funny? I think I'll just pretend that's why she seems to hate me so much. And then I can forget she exists until winter break.

You Speakee English?

Ah, home sweet home. I had a ravishing dinner tonight where I literally stuffed mom's cooking down my throat like a starving person - not that I was starved. I just have come to realize that certain foods are more easily tolerated than others. I can eat tons of mom's cooking, or say..Arby's fries without getting full, but just a few bites of that fancy lobster salad or fusion cuisine and I'm stuffed, no matter how great it tastes.
Observations on Manhattan: For one, that city will eat you alive if you don't keep up with it. My cousin actually told me not to hold the door for people, no matter how polite it would be. Everything's very fast paced and non stop, too. If you're out on the street and stop for just a few moments, you'll get pushed aside, stepped on, yelled at, or just plain mugged. Another thing is everywhere you look, it's like a fashion vortex - I felt very out of place in my tank top and cut-off jeans. I did notice I got some very odd glances from people because of my "strange" attire. Perhaps I should've gone with all black or something, as lots of people wear that.
Observations on the history of my family: From what my aunts tell me, my mom was a very popular flower girl in her time - meaning when she was 10 and under. She was cute and happy looking and thus perfect for the role, and got to eat at all the banquets, sit in sedans (she said that was very boring) and hold up the bride's train - o yes, and she would always get a "red envelope" which is basically a monetary gift. My mother was a professional flower girl! Isn't that funny though? It's funny that she did all that, since my sister and I have been to the grand total of one wedding in our entire lives.
Observations on the amount of illegal immigrants there are in the US: I was in Flushing with my aunts and cousins buying groceries, and as we were going through the check-out line, a lady walked up to me and asked if I knew how to read English...I should hope so...
Observations on the state of my inspiration: I am very very eager to get back to school. I'm more motivated than ever to be a good student and learn as much about architecture than ever - something I have to do if I ever hope to get at least an internship in beautiful, beautiful Manhattan.

I Love Manhattan

As I type this entry, I realize how utterly spoiled I have been in past years concerning the internet. Dial up is so..so tedious! You have to sign on over and over again instead of just closing and opening internet explorer over and over - maybe that's not a good thing to do anyway, but it's a habit of mine. Being connected night and day with no worries of the phone ringing and kicking me off, pages loading instantly, I really took it all for granted!
Right now, I'm sitting in my cousins' Lily and Nicole's apartment in Queens. Wait, wait, I should start from the beginning. My trip started off with mom dropping me off at Brewster train station and me going to Grand Central. When I got there, my cousin Stephanie wasn't there waiting for me as I expected. I wandered around for ten minutes thinking they might've forgotten and I was in deep trouble when I walked into the main terminal and saw someone who I thought might be my aunt - an aunt who I hadn't seen in years and years. She recognized me, fortunately. Apparently my mom neglected to tell them which train I was on, so they were trying to figure out where I was. After that, we went to a restaurant called California Pizza Kitchen on 60th and 3rd. We had some very yummy fusion cuisine that we couldn't finish, of course. Then we went wandering around the city - Bloomingdales, Zara, Diesel, Williams Sonoma, A/X, all sorts of designer stores. For some reason they all looked just about the same to me and cost lots more than a shirt at Filene's would, so I stayed my hand and kept my purse shut. Then we went to La Cera - a fashion company that specializes in plus sizes - it's office is on Madison and 34th - I climbed onto the porch thingy they had and realized I could look out and see both the Empire State and the Chrysler buildings. My aunt's friend and her husband are the owners and they had just finished up a very important party the night before, so they had some very expensive and fancy leftovers that we had for dinner - paan bread with lobster salad on top, top of the line gourmet spring rolls, fruit salad with the ever exotic yellow watermelon. And then we went to the friends house to sleep over - they own a multi-million dollar home in a housing complex sort of thing right on the shores of Jersey. One reason why it cost several million dollars: from their porch, you can see the entire island of Manhattan, including the Empire State and Chrysler Buildings. See a theme going on? O and another really interesting tidbit - their neighbor is a fellow called Fabulous - some hip hop star or other. Steph and I walked by his house on the way to another neighbor's house to return a food processor. He has some very impressive cars. O, and here's something funny: Fabulous's house doesn't have the view that Steph's friend does.
I woke up this morning at the bright and early hour of 10:30. We decided to skip breakfast and head on out. Our first stop was the Japanese town at Edgewater. That's where my shopping spree happened - $70 at Shiseido, I wanted to try their cleanser things. Then $30 in total for four rice bowls, four soup bowls, four soup spoons and four tea cups! The savings were ...orgasmic almost. I'm happily all set for college, though, that's for sure. Then we went and picked up my other aunt, Lily's mom, from her painting class in Flushing, and we all drove into Manhattan and had lunch at Spice in Soho. It was sort of kind of an asian fusion place. It used to be super duper popular because all the waiters were models, and then it became less so when they started hiring "normal good looking men." Whatever. They have interesting bathrooms, sliding fogged glass doors, so you can see a silhouette of a person doing their private business...Then we walked further into Soho and went to the Prada Store - I explored and drooled over the glory that is Rem Koolhaas. It wasn't quite what I imagined it to be - the rest of it, that is. The main entrance was extremely interesting though. I asked an employee, just to make sure, who designed the store and he replied "Ram Koolhaas, ma'am." Ram? Maybe it was just his accent. Then we went accross the street and had expensive coffee and pastries at Dean & Delucca. When we were leaving, I turned around and saw a gorgeous man who actually winked at me! (Melting in the memory...*sigh) O yes, I should mention that because of the sheer volume of people in Manhattan and the fact that many are there for the express purpose of being fashionable and advancing their careers, the perfect looking men are just all over the place. Ahem, well, anyway, Lily, out of class, joined us as we continued our shopping journey. We went to other design related places like Moss and MoMA. Very very fun. Then we went to a lot of shoe stores (I still think shoes are all ugly), Banana Republic, J. Crew, etc. and looked around. Stephanie bought herself a lovely little black dress, half price at Banana Republic. Then we ended our day at Utrecht where I helped myself to art supplies that are much cheaper than they are at the CMU art store. O, and then we drove to Flushing and got groceries and now, here I am, at my cousins' place, stuffed on Arby's and getting sleepy. My uncle will be picking me up tomorrow, so I should go to bed. Good night, everybody, and I Love Manhattan!

Les Cloches de Mariage Sonnent

Guess who's getting married?! Guess guess! No, silly, not me. Why on earth would I do something silly like that? No, not me. Just two people I know. One is my sister's friend, Liz - she's engaged and ready to get hitched in a couple years. I saw her at Williams Sonoma today and advertised our wedding registry, except I didn't know where the information packets were located and it took us a while to find them for her. Sorry, Liz! How embarrassing.
Guess who else is getting married?! Guess guess! OK, I'll just tell you this time. My aunt is getting married, and she's at the ripe old age of 57. How odd, no? She's even marrying a foreigner, a Vietnamese or Thai or whatever person. Very very odd, no? Mom asked her what she would do in the future and she said she wasn't thinking about that. Mom thinks that's not a great idea, but eh...
O and I made my first big sale today - $200 worth of All-Clad pots - meaning I sold two pots. I'm pretty proud of myself about that, still very amazed at myself. O, o, and there was a customer today who only spoke French, and I got to speak a bit to her. I'm afraid my grammar wasn't too good, but I was just so excited about getting to use something I've been learning for years that everything just jumbled about in my mind. Anyhoo, I'm tired..

A Day for Learning

Yay, more conversation today with good looking homosexual male! Again, I implore, Why God, Why?! Ah well. He showed me how to use the cash register and talked a bit about his apartment at Johnson and Wales U. where he's training to be a chef. While he was teaching me the wonders of technology, Nolan was pointing out a couple of ladies, one of whom had a wet skirt. He called them lesbians and said, "I wonder what they were doing to get that skirt wet." I definitely felt sort of uncomfortable about those comments for several reasons - 1) There's absolutely no proof that they are actually lesbians, I go shopping with my best friend all the time and no one assumes we're lovers, 2) I don't think any sexual action can get a skirt That wet in That way, only sitting in a puddle of something or peeing in your pants can do that and 3) I don't think Nolan realizes that the guy standing right next to me is gay, because he really doesn't seem it on first glance, so being so, how do you know that lesbianic looking women aren't just very friendly straight women? I was a bit disappointed in him about that, but eh, he's a nice enough person otherwise. And he basically confirmed for me that in high school, we were in totally opposite crowds.
O another thing I learned today - how to use a mop. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have never used a mop before this evening. It's true, I'm sorry. I told them, "My family does it the traditional Chinese way, we get down on our knees and scrub." Wahaha. I don't know which is better though, on one hand, my heels and back can hurt, on the other, my knees and back can hurt. I guess it's just whatever one prefers.

The British Are Leaving!

Today was a good day, it started quite early in the morning when I got up and went to the basement to retrieve some rubber cement. I then proceded to liberally apply the rubber cement to a piece of bristol board and cover it artfully with pretty paper and letters clipped out of the newspaper. It was a present for my friend Matt, who is hopping on the plane tomorrow bound for Belgium and he'll be gone for a very, very long time. Very sad, I hope he appreciates the present.
Then I went to work, where I spent a long period of time being very interested in the presentations going on, but very sleepy at the same time due to me staying up very late composing my farewell message to Matt. That is, I was interested and sleepy until we got to the espresso machine presentations that came with sample shots of espresso! Well, I got a cappuchino myself, but wow, what a pick me up! All in all, today was my first all around very good day at Williams Sonoma. I got to stand next to the handsome gay fellow several times, why o why is he gay?
After that, I went to the party, which, I have to admit, I was apprehensive about at first because I knew most of the people were going to be Matt and Marlen's friends, who weren't really friends of mine - they were more like acquaintances or faces I recognized. And when I got there, Marlen wasn't there! So I stood around and made witty little comments until Marlen got back and then the fun ensued. It was a very good party filled with wading in the pool while others splashed, and eating potato salad and trying to play guitar and doing the dance fight with Marlen. Oh yes, and when it got dark, Marlen and I made pretty splashy noises in the pool - Jeff tried to join in, but it didn't come out too well. Oh yes, and everyone started setting twigs and plastic bottles on fire. I think my lungs are currently very polluted. And then, most of the people I didn't really know left and less than ten of us were left, that's when the great conversations started. We talked very loudly, I'm sure the neighbors didn't appreciate it. At one point, a grasshopper that Jeff was playing with decided I was more interesting and it suddenly sprung onto me. I screamed very loudly, or so I thought. I think it came out more as a terrified squeak and I leapt off my chair and huddled on the ground as I felt it crawl around my back. I hate bugs, ick. Hmm, and I was hugged, many many times, mostly by Marlen, who insisted on it. I did the proper thing and cringed through each and every one of them, and occasionally, the guys felt they ought to join while I whimpered beneath the pile and pulled us this way and that. I think the oddest thing that happened was when Eric randomly curled up on his side and put his head on my lap - tense about describes how I felt for just a few seconds. And then Marlen reminded him that I don't like human contact, phew. I don't think I've ever had anyone put their head on my lap before - that's the most surprised I've been in a very long while.
Bye bye Matt, I hope you enjoy Europe! We'll miss you!

I'm not a happy person

The last time I went to the dentist, the dentist told me that I was being too hard on my teeth.  I wasn't aware of any tooth grinding or similar actions that might cause my teeth to be in any sort of bad shape - and I figure I don't grind my teeth, as my roomie would surely have pointed that out.  I did notice today, as my mood got worse and worse, that I started to chew my gum harder and harder, essentially chomping it to a gummy pulp.  I also think I have a tendency to clench my jaw if I have no gum available to brutalize.  Why o why was I in such a terrible mood, you ask?  Well, first, I had hints throughout the day that someone was searching through my purse.  First time I opened my locker, I noticed my purse was placed in it differently.  Second time I look in the locker and got my utility blade, I noticed that some of the pockets were open.  I just thought that maybe I was losing my mind, since all my belongings were still there.  I found out when I was leaving though, that a girl got her money stolen.  Meaning that some thief, some miserable, pathetic excrement of society was sifting through my bag!  And then I went to call my mom.  What did I get?  A busy signal.  Tried again after 15 minutes - busy signal.  Tried again - busy signal.  And again - busy signal.  After waiting for 90 bloody long minutes, she finally picks up.  That was another 90 minutes to think about that piece of crap who searched through my belongings.  And now, I'm at seething point, which is why I had to write.
O, on another note, the good-looking boy that I noticed at work, I realized who he was today.  Friend of my sister's in fact.  And guess what else?  I also happened to recall that he's gay.  Great, just great.

Nice Guys Come Last

My mullings from lunch - is it really true that nice guys come last?  I don't think that would be the case.  One particular person I know who comes last is not a nice person, or at least, his coworkers think so.  He's smarter than they are, and won't give them the answer right off.  I think that makes more sense anyways.  If you don't figure something out yourself, you don't remember the answer.  Continuing my point, he's definitely not what everyone considers a nice guy.  He is, however, a very honest and fair sort of guy, who will put aside greed and do what's right.  He won't ask for a raise because asking for it means he didn't truly earn it.  But then, what happens to him?  The so called "nice guy" who happens to be a manager, sucks him dry of all his usefulness, takes the credit for everything and then runs off with the raise that really should be meant for the honest guy.  Where's the justice in that?  It seems like in America, credit is rarely given where it is deserved and the person that's generally perceived as the nice guy is the one that runs off into the sunset with all the money.
Another point, I was watching an episode of Sex & the City, where the main character is talking to a guy named Skippy.  Skippy, stuck in his world of self pity, whines annoyingly to her that it's been over a year since he "got any."  And he continues to blame it on the fact that he's a "nice guy."  I think if he were to step away from his overgrown ego, he'd realize that it's not because he's a nice guy at all.  For one thing, his physical presence is just repelling - he's unkempt, uninteresting and has a steady whine in his voice.  Secondly, he's not really a nice guy at all.  All of his actions screamed desperation.  Desperation, as one of my friends once mentioned, is one of the biggest turnoffs in the world.  You know the person doesn't want you, he just needs a woman, any woman, please god, give him a woman.  You feel like the one that the guy "settled" on because he couldn't get anyone hotter, or better, or whatever.  Thirdly, he doesn't seem to see himself at all.  He has an overgrown ego, but the problem is, it's someone else's ego.  He doesn't see that there really are issues with him that people don't find attractive.  Sure there are girls who go for the "bad boy," but bad boys are just so attractive because they're confident.  They know what's good about them, they know what they want, and when they want you, that's the best compliment in the world.
New line of thought now - also somewhat related.  I have thought of this time and again, but now I commit it to writing.  I completely wasted my time in high school.  Nothing was achieved.  Sure I was towards the top of my class, sure I was in a lot of extra curricular activities.  I still got nothing done.  One of my biggest goals was to get to be concertmistress - and senior year I got completely screwed over.  Why is this?  It's because I was being the "polite guy."  When the conductor asked me about my thoughts of concertmistress, I picked the most polite response that it's completely up to her, and that she ought to pick whoever was best for the role.  I should have just spoken up, "I  have leadership capabilities, that's more important than who plays violin better.  I'm practically your assistant conductor already, why not just give me the seat?  Everyone expects it."  O and then there was the great utter and complete failure known as the National Honor Society - better know as the National Society of Selfish People Who Do Well in School But Are Too Wrapped Up In Their Own "O-so-VERY-Important" Lives To Give Ten Minutes Of Their Time Twice A Month To Attend Meetings And Expect Activities That Include Great Personal Gain To Be Considered Community Service.  Did we manage to get anything done there?  About the only thing we managed to accomplish was raise a little over $1000 for the St. Jude's Children Hospital.  And would you like to know how that happened?  Five people gave a shit, I myself raised a fifth of what we donated because I went out of my way to ask three people, just three people, to donate a little bit of money for children dying of cancer.  Are we not a community organization?  Is that not what we're supposed to do?  Except the people that were accepted are all lazy asses who have nothing better to than run around a ring behind the school like hamsters and win worthless pieces of shiny plastic.  If I had stopped being polite and keeping my mouth shut about what losers people were being, maybe gotten a few people to stand with me, we could have done something, even a silly little flower sale, something anything. 
To sum up, nice guys aren't nice guys, so nice guys don't come last.  Honest guys, fair guys and polite guys, they're the ones that get ultimately screwed over.  What does this tell us?  We're still animals and the only way to survive is to be as vicious and ruthless in the most backhanded manner possible.  Maybe I should become a hermit and contemplate my sins because if religion is right, we're all going to hell.

Cellophane Craziness!

Work was actually [gasp: horror] fun today.  Well, it almost started out badly, when the first thing the floor manager had me do was, surprise surprise, take out the trash.  But then, Sandy, one of the visuals managers latched onto to me and I was left happily wrapping products in cellophane for the rest of the day.  We wrapped things like candy thermometers, grilling forks, a book with tongs set, bundt cake mix with glaze sets, and tied them all off with pretty beige ribbon.  I had cut one a bit too short for display purposes so I tied it into my hair (yes, like a cheerleader) and some lady walked by and said, "Oh, cute ribbon!  It looks like a William Sonoma ribbon," at which I replied ,"It is a William Sonoma ribbon."  Where else would I find ribbon that said William Sonoma on it?  So it was all fun with the squeaky sounds of cellophane, except then, they changed the "day" to end at 1 o' clock, because a stupid truck didn't come in, and there's really nothing to do till it's in.  So from what I hear, some poor guys have to work tomorrow night and then I get to come in and hopefully NOT take out the trash on Thursday.  O, and sadly, I have to work till 6 on Friday, poo.  That's when we're doing sales associate training.  That's not a fun way to spend a Friday...

Fear and Loathing in Los Suenos

I had the most bizarre dream last night.  I spent most of it feeling utterly repulsed, and by the most interesting things.  Kenneth Branagh for one.  Apparently in my dream, he and John Stamos were both madly in love with me (the former I could live without, the latter - well, I suppose it was one of my wildest dreams).  Anyway, in my dream, I was walking around the mall and I saw Stamos and my first impulse was to run away and hide from him.  In the end, I quite liked him, odd considering my first response.  I'm not sure exactly what changed in that.  But when I saw Branagh again, I shrieked and was literally stumbling over myself in sheer panic trying to get away.  Somehow I ran to my dorm at CMU, even though the mall was clearly in Danbury, and as I was running, I turned my head and saw a girl from high school that was otherwise a very nice girl, but annoyed me beyond belief (if you want to know who, just ask).  I met up again with Stamos later and we were attending some sort of fashion show in which everyone was very fake-tanned and it looked extremely tropical - things that I loathe in real life - well, things other than fashion shows.  The whole time I was there though, I was feeling constant fear that Branagh would show up, like he was a ghost looming in my peripheral, a Gilderoy Lockhart-like ghost, complete with black cape.  I think he did show up eventually and declared he was dragging me off to be married and I cried out in terror or something and hid shaking under a desk until some lady dragged me out and said he was gone, things get a bit fuzzy after the fashion show...Anyhoo, strange dream no?

The Woes of Daycare...

Today my cousins came over.  Well, the younger ones.  We all went to the city for a bit of shopping and had a very nice lunch where I caught up on stuff with my rapidly growing cousin, Jonathan.  Since the last time I saw him, I think he's grown three inches and his voice is cracking.  Quite interesting.  Ling is getting bigger too, and much too inquisitive.  Amusing incident number one - she's chasing after her brother and trips.  She immediately runs to her mother and tells her that Jon pushed her, even though the room is full of witnesses that would say otherwise.  Then at the restaurant, she made a perfect imitation of her mother, telling her, "Be careful, it's hot."  I pretty much ignored her during the shopping trip and then I decided to keep her company.  Bad choice.  I spent the rest of the evening hearing "Why?" or "Do this" or "Do that" or "I want..."  Sad thing is she's a chronic liar, a very bad liar.  I'll bet she learned that in daycare.  And she's very bad at convincing people to do things.  All she has to do is give me a good reason, heck, a reasonable reason and I'll say sure.  All she can come up with is "because" or "Come on.."  She's cute, but she's very spoiled..and annoying...

Itchy

Can we say, "Worst first day on the job ever?"  No, I didn't get yelled at.  It's much worse.  Everything started out fine, we all unloaded things from the truck.  Knowing I burn easily, I managed to stay in the shade about 80% of the time.  Went to lunch with Marlen, chatted for a very long time and all was jolly.  Then we went back to the store and were split into groups.  Of all the indignity, they set me on trash duty...Now maybe I'm overprideful or something, but I was somewhat offended by this poor choice.  First of all, I'm not exactly a "buff" sort of girl, meaning I can't carry really big heavy loads - like boxes chock full of cardboard.  Second of all, I'm a very pale sort of girl, the type that can burn within 10 minutes if left out under direct sunlight without any sunscreen.  Stupidly for the managers, they set me with the job of carrying big loads into the bright bright sun where the smelly icky trash bins were, and left the cheery built young ladies with nice summer tans inside where they're meager cheerleading brains confused the hell out of setting everything properly on the shelves (All of them seemed to be related in some way to the ladies running the show - nepotism, great...).  I swear, it was four hours that we worked, and not one shelf was filled completely.  I haven't a clue how they couldn't manage it, the directions were all very specific and laid out right in front of them.  In any case, now I'm very sweaty, and my face is all red from the mere fifteen minutes I spent under the bright bright sun tossing cardboard into the trash bin which was clearly NOT a recycle bin.  What's even MORE offensive to me was that while I was going about my job, a heavy metal bar fell out of the sky, presumably from nowhere, and landed smack dab on my head.  I nearly got brained and my $40K education nearly went down the drain.  How lovely is that?  Can you tell I'm not liking my job at William Sonoma so far?  And now my face is itchy.

Yay!

I made the dean's list, May got into art school!  Good week!

Licorice Keyboards

It's finally hot and toasty in Connecticut.  I'm plopped in front of my computer with a fan and a bowl of ice cream.  O ice cream, how I love thee.  Not Breyer's Butter Pecan though, it's not very good.  Ben & Jerry's Butter Pecan on the other hand...
It was nice today, woke up at noon (on the dot, I don't know how, but I suddenly opened my eyes, turned my head and the second hand had just hit the 12, right where the other two hands were).  Lounged around the house a bit, listening to my Muse CD, and then mom and I went to a chinese restaurant for lunch.  The food, as usual, was lesst than mediocre.  We talked about random things.  At one point I found myself explaining how the SATs were more like gambling than actual test taking.  And when I think about it, it really is.  I could almost be a circuit lecturer on it...No, that's just silly.  And then we drove around the Aunt Hack area and looked at pretty houses and criticized ugly houses, and started talking about opening a cafe or something.  Mom actually said that it'd be interesting to open up a place that played stuff like Muse.  I thought it would be fun too.  If I don't make it as an architect, I think I could be perfectly content running a nice hotel or just a cafe.  I think I'd play music like Muse (of course), Bush, Radiohead, Pink Floyd, stuff that people know about but aren't too mainstream and yet somewhat mainstream.  No Blink, no rap, hip hop or R&B.  It'd be geared towards younger people like high school and college age.  They'd be allowed to lounge as long as they'd like and the stuff sold wouldn't be yucky or expensive (cough cough, Starbucks).  I think I'd like that...
And now for a meme, yet again, courtesy of Rachel:
Type your username with your..
Nose: 9ir54e4j hni8qa321
Elbow: irenia321
Tongue: irenia321
Chin: irtenias3212q
Foot: irenia321
Eyes shut: Irenia321
Apparently I have trouble typing with my nose, silly round nose...And thank god tongue came before foot, though my keyboard tastes like licorice...

Today was my last day working at Filenes.  I didn't let anyone other than the managers know.  I don't know how Pam and the others in the Petites department would react to me leaving and I'd rather not find out.  It was a busy day, just the way I like it, though my feet were extremely sore.  I was actually limping by the last ninety minutes.  I find it a bit sad that right when I was very comfortable working there, I have to leave.  Ah well, there's always Christmas break.  O yes, and William Sonoma pays better at a whopping $8/h.  I can't wait to start there.  I wish I could have more, or rather any at all, say in creating the displays.  It's not like they'll do a bad job, but I really haven't used my creativity in a while.  I've been thinking I ought to practice drawing or something, but what could I draw?  There's nothing drawable in my immediate vicinity and I don't like the outdoors, with all the sun and bugs and stuff.
 

Martha Stewart will be sentenced soon.  I just looked at some predictions on the NYTimes and was extremely tickled to find out that she may soon be a "neighbor" of mine.  The artical states that should she be put in jail, it will be in the prison facility that I can see quite clearly from my house.  Amazing, no? 

So last night, in a fit of boredom and an idea brought on by a conversation with a friend, I decided to look up top modeling agencies in the US. And then I decided to look up top models. Now, there are some very pretty models around, like that Victoria's Secret model, the one with the interesting eyebrows and pretty smile. And then there are some very, very, very scary models, such as (no offense to her of course) Lisa Cant. Maybe it's just her makeup, or something, but she looks very wasted away. Or if one were to go to the Victoria's Secret site and check out the tops & tees section, take a look at the model in the "seamless textured mockneck tank." Now maybe it's just me, but I din't think arms dipping in around the bones is very healthy. By the way, the very pretty model is the one above her in the "blouson tunic." I also recalled reading about a model out of New Milford who is now a plus sized model. Cigarettes don't seem like part of a balanced meal, but apparently that's what she would puff on instead of eating a healthy hunk of steak. That mockneck tank lady looks like she really needs a steak...
I also realized that I would never ever go out of my way to be a model. I looked at some of those "advice" sites and it seems to me that the girls that go out of their way to get into the world of modeling are not in fact determined, they are just plain desperate. Sorry ladies, that's just the way I see it. In any case, thinking about even trying to get into the business of my own volition is very, well, degrading is the word that comes to mind. Maybe this means that I'm not so desperate, eh?

This is one of those evenings where I feel intensely dissatisfied with myself. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I just watched "About Schmidt." I still have to mull over it, but my immediate reaction is that I wonder if there's anything about my life that's worth something. Am I on my way to completely wasting my life? Am I working towards nothing? And even so, what's that something that I want to work towards? What is that ultimate goal of my life? What is that one thing that would make me look back and make me completely satisfied?

My mother seems to finally appreciate some aspects of my architectural education. Case in point: My possession of all sorts of adhesives - rubber cement, elmer's glue, tacky glue, super glue, scotch tape, double sided tape, masking tape, duct tape, I'm sure there's more but I can't remember them all. In any case, a foot on our new toaster oven broke off and she's been trying desperately to put it back in place. The problem with the tacky and the elmers that she was using is that while tacky dries quickly, it's too flexible and the foot bends off. The problem with Elmers is that it just doesn't dry fast enough and it doesn't hold well to plastic. My solution was the super glue which is currently drying in the slowest way possible, sans Zip Kicker. Why not use Zip Kicker? Because I don't feel like polluting my house with noxious fumes for one and also, my good friend Nate decided to borrow it and leave it locked in his desk all summer so now, I'm a little peeved and would like the Zip Kicker back. Ah, well, he's doing me a favor by holding onto it and keeping me from going Zip Kicker crazy I guess.

I think I've done things I regret. A lot of things. I'm trying to see if I can fix up my life a bit and I think I'll be a bit lonelier for it, but I'll feel better in the long run.

I will never understand certain aspects of myself, for example, the need to stay up and watch a television show (the 4400) really late at night because I missed half of it the first time it ran. The premier started at nine, only I was busy playing Deus and was thus distracted. I turned on the tv at 10 and thought, "Darn." And then I decided after the show was over that I ought to go to bed early as I had a dentist appointment in the morning which I'll be leaving for in about fifteen minutes. Instead, I shut down my computer and watched the second run of "the 4400" which lasted until 2 am. Then I had to shower. Then I had to do my usual before-I-sleep reading while listening to Belle and Sebastian (not bad at all, Brett gave me a CD). Time I went to bed? 3:30...Time I woke up? 8:00. I'm very stupid. Why couldn't I just tape it? The VCR is right there! The tape marked "erasable" was all rewound and sitting right on top of it. Guess I still find it too tedious and noisy to do in the middle of the night. I almost wish we had Tivo or something except none of us watch television enough for it to be worthwhile.
And now for a survey courtesy of Rachel:
What is your name?: Angela
What are you doing?: waiting to go to the dentist
Who are you missing?: I miss some idealized person, I don't know who
Who is in the same room as you?: my computer
What music are you listening too?: Dishwalla - Until I Wake, yes, still that song, yes it has been 2 months, no I'm not sick of it yet
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone for more than 5 minutes?: Max
What are you doing tomorrow?: Working, filling out paperwork for my next job, possibly buying some pretty new bowls that won't match the plates I'm bringing to college
Who did you talk to on IM last?: Hmm, I do believe it was both Brett and L
What did you do today?: Well, today has barely started for me. I got out of bed, changed into my "going to the dentist, I wonder if that's a girl or a boy" outfit, turned on the computer and am brushing my teeth at the same time as I'm typing this, gosh I'm good at multitasking...
Who do you love?: I don't love anyone.
What do you want to accomplish in life?: I am going to be a world famous architect and people will remember me as the next Frank Lloyd Wright but not as decorative.
Who loves you?: I don't know. No one ever tells me they do, but I think at this point in life, I'd rather not be loved.
What is your favorite movie?: I think at this very moment, I very much like...Fight Club...
Who is your favorite character in that movie?: I don't know, it's really a toss up between the Narrator and Tyler Durden, though technically they're one and the same
What is your favorite video game?: Deus Ex, playing it for about the 20th time
Who did you last go out to eat with?: I had dinner with Marlen and Brett at the mall, though we were all on break
What was the last movie you saw in theaters?: Fahrenheit 9/11
Who did you go with?: Scott
What is outside the nearest window?: A truck, being noisy, in the morning, o, and there's my front porch and bushes and flowers and a lawn in between
Who do you wish was there with you right now?: That idealized person I have in my head, I don't know who he is, except he'd have to leave as soon as I suspected my dad was on the way home
What is the last thing you sang?: Dishwalla - Until I Wake
Who was the last person you hit?: Hmm, I really can't think of anyone that I've actually hit. If I hit you and don't remember it, I apologize - and please remind me...
What color is your house?: off white, almost just plain yellow
Who did you last yell at?: I guess it was my mom, though it wasn't yelling, more like loud complaining.
Who scares you?: Lots of people scare me, especially that Neil fellow who randomly IMed me the other day and was very pushy and nosy
What gives you hope?: I'm not sure, my abilities?

Y o u r C u r r e n t: :
Mood: indifferent, somewhat looking forward to squeaky clean teeth
Music: Dishwalla - still Until I Wake
Hair: down today
Annoyance: My ever expanding waistline, or at least the fact that my mind perceives it as such
Smell: Don't smell anything out of the ordinary, maybe my deoderant if I think about it
Thing you ought to be doing: Practicing my violin, brushing up on my drawing skills
Favorite song(s): Dishwalla - Until I Wake, and candleburn
DVD In Player: Well, it was X2 until my uncle borrowed it. Now it's Pirates of the Caribbean
Worry: I will forget everything I've learned in the past year

L o v e::
Boyfriend/girlfriend: don't have one
Longest relationship: around 2 months
Been in love w/ more than 1 person?: no
Sweetest thing a guy/girl has done for you?: told me I'm pretty (so it's still an issue with me)
Meanest thing a guy/girl has done to you?: picked on me because I'm smarter and more talented and prettier than she is, stupid captain...
Ever broke someone's heart?: I don't think so and hopefully never will
Someone break your heart?: no, not that enamored to anyone

L a s t P e r s o n::
You talked to: Mom, loudly, in Chinese, in a supermarket
You hugged: my toy panda, it's not a person but it's really the only thing I hug
You kissed: L
You instant messaged: umm, Brett and L

F a v o r i t e ::
Food: Mom's odd version of Kung Pao Chicken, or maybe her Leek and Beef dish...or the Pepper and Beef dish...
Drink: White Grape with Peach Juice, liberally watered down
Color: Crimson (not because it reminds me of blood, ick)
CD: Shout: The Best of Tears for Fears
Shoes: currently, my loafers
Candy: I don't really eat candy anymore...do graham crackers count?
Animal: cat
TV Show: It used to be Alias, then the Dead Zone. I'll still vote Dead Zone unless it continues going on it's wierd streak.
Veggie: Cauliflower
Fruit: Bartlet Pear

Who Do You Want To:
Kill: Stupid customer who doesn't know how to just shut up and listen and blames me for "wasting her time"
Get really drunk with: I don't really drink, but if I were to get drunk...well, like I said, I don't really drink
Talk to: Marlen

V i t a l * S t a t s //
Name and what does your name mean: Angela, or Chi Hsiao-Hsien. In English, it just means messenger of the gods. In chinese it's either Goddess of Knowledge, Goddess of Dawn, or One who knows the Gods
Nicknames: well Satrice calls me Angie and Marlen calls me Anjelina
Location: CT
Sign: Pisces-Aries Cusp
Hair color: brown black, hopefully more black than brown
Eye color: Brown
Status: I'm not sure
Education: Architecture rules! 4 more years to go!
Height: 5'4.25"
Nationality: American Born Taiwanese
Skin color: Pale as it can possibly be, beige tinted
School: CMU Architecture!

H a v e Y o u E v e r ::
Lied: constantly
Ran away: considered it, too much trouble, no money
Done drugs: no
Drank alcohol: a couple times, don't like the taste
Broke a bone: no
Failed a class: surprisingly, yes
Dyed your hair: no
Gotten in a car accident: i can't drive but cars i've been in have been bumped a few times
Been out of the country: yes
Met a famous person: how famous is famous? I suppose so, I've met a few recording artists though they all fall on classical or foreign in the catalog.
Driven illegally: no
Been suspended: no
Been expelled: no
Given the finger: not since middle school, it's silly unless one is driving, which i don't
Kissed on the first date: been kissed, but on the forehead
Well that was fun...

Cooking! I love cooking! Today I went to Marlen's house and we cooked for an entire three hours. Hopefully we'll get things figured out eventually because neither of us really have three hours to spend on food everyday. Marlen and her mom made lots of good ole' Gonzalez family cooking including chicken, something called "moro" which involved rice and beans and fried plantains (they taste like potatoes, funny since they look like big green bananas). I made a chocolate and blueberry cake which I think tastes great. They seemed to enjoy it too, hope they weren't just pretending so as to be polite. Marlen and I ate on the roof, we had to squeeze through her bedroom window, something really only we could do. I think anyone else would have gotten stuck because it does require quite a bit of flexibility. It's a good place for eating though, it's in the shade, there's a nice breeze and a nice view, not too many bugs. Grab a couple pillows to sit on and it's just perfect. Now I can't wait to have Marlen come over and we can try to make Chinese food - I do need a bit of practice...Or maybe we can just make Japanese Hand Rolls. I am very much looking forward to having a kitchen in the fall.

So yesterday night ended with me sitting on my computer playing with Maya. I made the best happy sphere in the world, and now it is my desktop. If you, too, are interested in the Happy Sphere, let me know and I shall email you the desktop. May just sort of chortled a second and rolled her eyes.
So I went to work this morning, and apparently my schedule said to be here at 9. I heard 10 when I asked on the phone so Frank yelled at me - apparently he likes to harass us poor people. Rosie the manager told me not to worry about it, so I won't.
I worked in Men's Sportswear today - while I like it a lot better than the other departments, there are some downsides. Good side is that the people who are there generally happen to be more cheerful than the people in Petites. The clothing are all very easy to fold, especially with the magic, happy folding machine. I found any rumpled shirts I could and folded them with it. It's like an addiction. Frank came by at one point and told us we were doing a very good job keeping things neat. Another upside is that Brett is there - we spent most of the time just cleaning up and chatting. The downside is that some of the customers find me attractive. While it's flattering, I unfortunately, don't usually feel the same way for most of them. One fellow struck up a conversation and managed to give me his phone number, and big whoops for me (good god, why can't I say no!) I gave him...mine....I should have just said no, can't, sorry. I told Brett that from now on, he's my pretend boyfriend. Hope that works.

Tonight I actually got angry, like really really angry. Not just irritated like I was last night or when I woke up this morning. I felt like I was going to flip out and throttle someone. The bad side was that the someone happened to be a customer. Just when I was about to close up for the night (I got transfered into hosiery...hosiery is hell!) a crowd of Indian customers came by. One lady wanted to buy a dress, unfortunately the dress had a senso-tag. My senso tag remover was not working and I tried to explain as much. The lady would not listen and just kept berating me on how undertrained I was that I couldn't do something as simple as remove a senso-tag. All the while I kept trying to reiterate, "The machine is broken. You have to go to a counter where there is a machine that works." After a good seven or eight minutes, she finally got the picture and rudely grabbed her dress and walked away. After her came an Indian couple. They wanted everything on their charge card. I asked for their card and they go, "Well how much does it cost?" "I don't know that, I have to slide your card through the machine first." "Why do you want my card?" Yes, I definitely wanted to do some yelling just then. Did they not say they wanted everything on their card? It wasn't as bad with them though, it was that lady that just would not listen that drove me insane. I actually raised my voice a few moments with a, "You know what?!" And then I remembered that I should always be courteous so I lowered my voice and took a deep breath before I continued to speak. I really feel like yelling at someone...

Sad tonight. Wish someone loved me best. Wish I don't have to feel this way.

AHH!! Myst 4 is being released in September. There are so many games I need to get - Deus Ex 2, Myst:Uru, and now I'm eagerly anticipating Myst 4 and the sequel to The Longest Journey. I think I might play that game again...hmm..
My gramma is now here in the US. My dad and I went at 10 pm last night to go pick her up in Newark Airport, what a long drive. I don't think I've been so fidgety in a car since I was in elementary school. I think part of it happened to be because it was just me and dad for 2 hours. It was easier when gramma arrived because she and dad occupied each other. Though she insisted I sit in the front with dad...makes no sense to me, but she was already comfortable in the back seat. I decided to doze off on the ride home even though I was there for the special purpose of keeping dad awake. Oops. Incidentally, I was rudely awoken several times during the trip when we had a flash summer storm - thunder and lightning, the whole works with sheets of rain so thick that the windshield wipers did nothing to help us see where we were going. Mom told us that it rained so hard that she had to close all our windows completely. Funny how the sun is shining outside. I think I'm going to take some photos of my house and neighborhood now, post them on my website. It'd be nice to let people see what my home is like.

Sometimes one wonders what goes through peoples' heads on OKCupid. So I just checked my account again and what do you know, I got yet another message. Now I was quite surprised to get propositions, serious ones, from 40 year old lawyers who ski and row in their spare time. Today was the grandest doozie (is that how you spell it?) of them all, though. Stats = 50 years old, currently divorcing his wife and has four children, one of which is older than me by eight years. Can you imagine? His other children are all younger than me by 1 - 4 years. Just...wierd...he's older than my dad... I think if anything, I should be considering dating his son, not him...eesh...

There are no more fixtures to scan - inventory is over! I'm quite sad, it's a fun sort of mindless work. Tomorrow I start training to be a sales associate. I'm not sure what that entails, but to tell the truth, I'm not really one for selling things to people. I'd be perfectly content with just folding clothes and neatening things up in general instead of trying to convince someone that they would absolutely die without one of those new pink bags. Sure I'd probably make less by working by the hour instead of on comission, but I'm just not that much of a people person. Then again, I don't even know what they'd have me selling...I doubt cosmetics since my complexion and severe lack of makeup makes me a very unconvincing model of the prodects, and I doubt shoes, since all the sales people for that department seem to be men. I wouldn't mind working in the Liz Claiborne section since it's the one that gets messed up the most (o cleaning heaven...), or SOCKS! My mother's probably going to start giving me lectures on how to sell things everytime I get a ride to work from her, now. I think selling things is the Kao family business, so she's excited I'm sort of hopping on the bandwagon.
O yes, and I got my very first ever paycheck today. I felt it was quite a sizable sum, it was equivalent to about 7 weeks of work at the ice cream store since that didn't pay too much and hours were few. It annoyed me though, when my sister decided to pipe up very loudly about the meagerness of it, stating that she always made much more at her receptionist and secretarial job. So I was feeling reasonable and said, "Well, May, look at the difference. Your job takes brains while my job doesn't. You add up columns of numbers while I pick up a ticket and press a button. That's very different, brain-wise." And then she just had to press the issue - "Brain work? I didn't use my brain..." Argh, May! I don't give a crud whether or not you felt like using your brain. It's a different line of work, yours takes an education and prior knowledge of computer programs. All they do is hand me a scanner and tell me to get all the tags. It's obvious why I don't get paid as much, so just don't talk about it. I don't really give a crap who gets paid more, just don't play stupid about it.

Socks! Socks everywhere! Can you guess which department I scanned for inventory today? I do believe that my latest fashion obsession is socks. I have left the pant fetish behind and am moving on. I blame Rachel and her fishnet knee-high birthday present (twas a good present, I wore them to work yesterday in a snazzy outfit consisting of one of my black collared shirts, my green cargo crop pants, fishnets blatantly hanging out for all to see, and my lovely black boots (wish they were combat boots...). I enjoyed walking around with the ensemble and was very happy to see that my employers didn't care one whit about my "unprofessional dress sense." In fact, the only thing they did say was that they liked my Christian Dior purse, which is in fact a faux Christian Dior purse that my aunt left behind on her last visit. Also fun today was that I scanned socks with Brett all day. We just talked...and talked...and talked...my throat was horrendously sore by lunch time. It was very enjoyable all the same, though the content of our conversation was slightly philosophical, verging on deathly nerdy. "Alpha Centauri! Yah, that's an awesome game! Have you ever played StarCraft?" or "So I read in the most recent issue of National Geographic about how some towns in Columbia are completely supported economically on the sales of cocaine base..."

Work just flew right by for me today. It was quite nice after the first hour. I think the other days were just tedious because we were in the back rooms, climbing up ladders and scaling shelves. I'd say I was about 20 or 30 feet up in the air, balancing precariously on a wobbly ladder scanning towels and rugs which were VERY dusty. I had to go and wash my face several times because lint and sweat do not mix and I felt like coughing up a hairball. Today was just scanning price tags in the childrens section and the sheets and such in homewares, nice packaged, non-dusty sheets. Pretty colors...
As for life, there's nothing happening. I'm falling back into my summer social hiatus sort of life, where I cut myself off from the world. I think I'll just update my blog more often and be online less. I seem to be finding more and more things to do around the house instead of sitting in front of the computer. And work takes up a lot of my time now (thank god).

Today was a day for missing. I was feeling nostalgiac so I took out some books that I used to read all the time when I was in high school. I read through one series today during the power outage. It was nice and it reminded me of a lot of things. For one, it reminded me of my first big crush, Stuart, from Norwalk. I was crazy about him for years and years even though I only met him once. We were at the house of some mutual friends of our parents, and since my sister was occupied with the computer games and we were the only other two kids there, we went for a long walk by the creek that was rushing by the house. He showed me a waterfall and we walked from one end to the other. I noticed that when I read books that have a main leading man in it, I subconciously attach his face to the character, though usually somewhat more grown up, as he was only in 7th grade and I in 6th at the time. I think he's also the reason why I have a predilection for blond haired, blue eyed boys with something like a mushroom cut and bangs parted in the middle. I thought I'd gotten over him, but I guess not. I think my idea of him has become an ideal actually. I asked a girl who went to his high school if she knew him and she said that he was a dear and close friend of hers. Being that she was the type of girl who was...not a good girl, I have a feeling that by "dear and close" it meant that there were some bad things involved. Oh well. He's still the nice boy who took me for a walk by the creek. Funny thing also, is that the last time I went back to that house, I tried to find the waterfall. It's gone now, can you imagine?

I just completed day three of work today and my feet are very sore. No lower back pain, however, so I don't mind. In these past few days, I've learned to lift heavy boxes (learn - yes learn, I usually avoided that sort of thing in the past), how to build architecturally unsound structures out of box-shaped radios with built in ambient lighting, how to untangle yards of bra straps in less than an hour, how to discern edible mall food from greasy mall food (salad bar at Sbarro's, go figure) and how to fold clothes neatly in the store fashion. I'm a bit surprised that I haven't found any of this to be particularly tedious, and I'm also surprised that I've been able to wake up without any trouble everyday at 6 am. I suspect the sleep deprivation of architorture prepared me and seven hours is godly now.
And I made a couple of new friends. There's one girl that I think is quite nice but she always gets sent elsewhere, but I still get to work with Sue a lot - I think they like to keep the Chinese people together. One employee who was doing inventory in the same room as us on the first day asked if we were sisters. We said no. Then she asked if we were cousins. We said no. Then she proceeded with the assumption that we both were from China. Yet again no. Same language? Not quite, I speak mandarin, she speaks Cantonese, and I'm actually from Virginia while she's from ..hmm, I don't know where, other than New Fairfield, that is. O and there's also Brett, nice biology major from Cornell who aspires to be a researcher - a very funny guy. "Let's do lunch, noonish?" he said today. Very funny.

What I would like to know is how painkillers can possibly be addictive. But then again, I seem to have a wonderful situation where they're one-time-only deals, or they don't work at all. Vicoden did nothing for my poor aching jaw. Now the phenazo-whatever it's called is doing nothing for me after one day of painless bliss. The tylenol I took seems to be quite effective though. I expect for that to not be the case tomorrow. So yes, I haven't been online for the past couple of days because they are what I term "the days of excruciating pain" where whatever position I was in was just too painful for me to concentrate. I haven't had a straight full hour of sleep in the past two days, and I couldn't manage to eat anything or walk without being doubled over after a couple of steps until half an hour ago. My parents, after taking me to see a doctor this morning (where I got a shot! the indignity...) went to do some shopping in NY and ended up getting home at 8 pm. By that time, the pain in my back felt like someone had stabbed me in the kidneys with a bowie knife and was wriggling it around, and my stomach felt like it had been replaced with a boulder. I spent dinner in my seat with an untouched bowl and chopsticks in front of me, huddled into a corner. Thank god for the tylenol...I feel so much better now.

Why me? WHY ME!? I have yet another urinary tract infection, but this time, it's hit my kidneys. I have to hobble everywhere hunched over because it hurts me to move. Thank god for the painkillers or I wouldn't even be able to lie down. The silver lining to my pain-filled day is that I got to go to the emergency room, something that I have never done before. I can just barely recall visiting my mother in the hospital when she had her gall bladder taken out, I'd say I was only four or so, and other than caroling in the children's ward, I haven't been to the hospital. The emergency room works quickly though. I was in and out in less than an hour - which is a very good thing; sitting in a waiting room for 3 hours just waiting for some doctor is not a happy prospect, healthy or in agony.

Ahh! I couldn't help myself.
EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS = Favorite Spice + Last Foreign Vacation Spot

Cinnamon Shanghai (That sounds silly...)


SOCIALITE ALIAS = Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where
You First Partied

Cheese Pittsburgh (Gah! Why would I ever want that?!)

"FLY GIRL" ALIAS (a la J. Lo) = First Initial + First Two or Three
Letters of your Last Name

A. Chi (Hmm, no change there...)

DIVA ALIAS = Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in
Kitchen

Dark Chocolate Milk (No, I don't think I like that name either, but if some company ever produced such a drink I would definitely like to try it.)

DETECTIVE ALIAS = Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Last
Went to School

Bunny Carnegie Mellon (But, but, no....that's just...noo....)

BARFLY ALIAS = Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Drink

Jello Guava Juice (I'm almost tempted to make my favorite drink a shot, thus Jello Shot, how appropriate)

SOAP OPERA ALIAS = Middle Name + Street Where You First
Lived

Hsiao-Hsien Rose (technically it's not the street where I first lived, but I only lived at the first house for like 6 months during which I had no mind. By the way, the middle name is pronounced Shao Shen. That actually sounds pretty good...)

PORN STAR ALIAS = First Pet's Name + Street You Grew Up On

Pinky Rose (Well, I'm glad I'm never going to be a porn star)

JEDI NAME = First 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of
your first name, First 2 letters of your mother's maiden name +
the first 3 letters of your hometown

Chi'an Kadan (Hey! Not bad!)

NERD ALIAS = Current brand of printer, last technical term used in conversation

Cannon Configuration (And I'm ready for war)

I'm on a quest to get rid of that horrible apathy that I'm feeling. I watched "Troy" and now I'm reading a lot of emotion-inspiring novels like "Jane Eyre." Or at least, "Jane Eyre" is what I consider emotion inspiring. I felt pangs in my heart while reading it, especially the ending, but then that's the silly romantic side of me. Mr. Rochester is just the sort of fellow that I would like, very passionate and dark, and he is very decided in everything. While I've met many gentlemen in my life, they are just that, gentlemen. I'm not looking for one of those.
I strangely felt jealous of Jane. I don't really like that sort of feeling, but it's one that I haven't felt in a while. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, as it is a sort of feeling. Or maybe apathy would be better.

I went to watch the movie "Troy" tonight. I quite enjoyed it, even though there were definite parts that made me cringe. Petricles gasping for breath with a very large gap in his throat - I hiccupped, probably my body's way of preventing me from throwing up everything I had for dinner. I shall never be a surgeon or a warrior of any sort, nope - the battefield is not the place for my poor tummy.
On a nicer note, while I watched the movie I felt a longing. Not really a romance lovey-dovey longing, though I was most intrigued with the Achilles/Rosalia romance (which, of course, did not exist in the Iliad). It was a longing to see the past. I want to go to Europe. I want to walk the streets of Pompei and Herculaneum, watch the sun burn the skies while standing in one of the arches of the mosque at Cordoba. I want to see cities dead and gone, like Troy, or Ur and find the stories that were lost. I want to see how the people lived, what they felt and thought. I want to find the places of myth - Atlantis, El Dorado - just to marvel at the tales of the places.
My mother gave me a book when I was small. It was called "Vesuvius" and it detailed a fictional life of a slave girl who lived in Herculaneum during it's last days. There were a lot of pictures and diagrams of the city, and photos of the excavations. I think that it was that book that really made me love ancient history. My sister got a book about the Trojan War in one of those silly school book sales and I remember reading that and "I, Columbus" over and over. And when I was middle school, the game I liked the most was "Journeyman Project 3: Legacy of Time" where the character explores Atlantis, El Dorado and Shangri-La. Sometimes I think I should have been an archaeologist.

I feel empty tonight, just totally void of any sort of passion, sorrow, any sort of emotion. Well, maybe I feel somewhat angry, but it's so minimal an amount that I only notice it if I really think about what I feel. This hasn't been the only time though. It's been the past couple of months actually. I look back on all my old crushes and give myself a mental smack upside the head and tell myself, "What the heck were you thinking!?" I feel like I could survive right now, very happily, never knowing another person, never having a relationship ever again. Sometimes, when I don't feel this way, I do still think about relationships and have to admit that I don't really want one. It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, it's more like I just don't see anything that catches my interest enough to know I could tolerate the person in close proximity for a long period of time.
This apathy is very annoying. First it got in the way of clothes shopping (either clothes these days are just no good, or I just don't see anything that catches my eye), and now it's spreading to my love life.

Well today was another day of..well I wouldn't term it constuctive or productive, but I got things done. I went to the library and took out a large amount of books and a couple of DVDs. Then mom and I went to the supermarket where I bought milk, raspberries, whipped cream and graham crackers among other things. Somehow, listing those together make me think they'd make a very tasty dessert together. I should try that actually.
After lunch I went to the high school to help judge the dance team tryouts. While I was waiting for school to end and the tryouts to start, I was accosted by a hall moniter that is apparently called "Little Hector." He demanded that I show him a hall pass, to which I said that I didn't have one. And then he started going for the detention slip, so I decided to mention that I wasn't actually a student, at which he looked at me with a lot of skepticism. At that point, I had to pull out my student ID and after a long inspection of it, Little Hector said, "Well congratulations, that's a good school. But you still need a visitors pass," to which I replied, "but I'm not here to visit anyone, I'm just waiting for the bell to ring, because I'm just a little early for an afterschool thing." He still didn't seem too happy, but I just let him finish yelling at me, while thinking the whole time that by the time I actually obtained the visitors pass, the bell will have already rung, making the pass entirely useless. Stupid Little Hector...
Anyways, for the tryout, there were a lot more girls this year trying out, probably the term "hip hop" made them a bit more comfortable with things. I think they'll be disappointed that it's very old hip hop, like early 90s Vanilla Ice hip hop. I heard some girls complaining that some of the moves were "so ooooold!" It was fun though, especially having more of a selection this year. There were a few girls that were, as usual, very depressing to watch. Some even looked like they were in pain while they danced (which is definitely a very bad expression to try out with). There were a few I thought could do well that the other judges thought weren't very good. I'm not sure what to say to that, though I suppose they would know better since one has her own dance team and the other one was a former Rockette. I recognized one girl from a violin camp I went to, but she ended up dropping out halfway through the tryouts.
I felt something that I hadn't felt in a long time when walking around in the high school today. It was this tense anxiety that made my eyes dart every which way. It seems that the high school comes with this feeling I have, a questioning of what people thought of me. I don't know why I feel this way in high school especially when I am so comfortable in college. No one other than a few friends and teachers recognize me in the high school so I should think I would feel more comfortable in the high school in a sort of anonymity, peerless so to speak. It's odd...

I think there comes a time in a person's life when one has to admit there's such thing as too much sleep. Lately I've been getting a lot of bizarre sort of dreams. Just before my half hour workout session (running at 4.5 mph for half an hour is killer!) I was taking a nap and I had a dream that apparently, while I was a little girl, I was on some sort of field trip, and I dropped a twig into the water of a stream and it ended up killing a woman and a daughter. In the context of my dream, I was sitting in the middle of class as I am now, 19 years old, that is, while one of my second grade teachers (we had two-teachers team teaching of 40 some-odd kids when I was in elementary school, it was fun) was going through a slide show presentation of this horrible accident and everyone was quite horrified, and then they were especially horrified, as was I, when all of a sudden the teacher informed me that it was me who dropped the twig. So then after that, in my dream, I went to an ugly church that had old 70s decor and visited the old man whose wife and child I killed and apologized and then he introduced me to his sons who were actually a group of old african-american a capella singers - this was only particularly odd because 1) they were as old as the old man, and 2) the old man was white. Thought this one was odd? I haven't even mentioned my using a scalpel to save the whole high school turned mental ward escapade.
Of another interesting note of what I did today, my parents took my sister and me to a Japanese buffet in White Plains, NY today. I expected it to be similar to the Chinese buffet in our area, which, to say the least, is a very painful experience. Well imagine my surprise when I walked into a large, spacious, well-lit, modern looking, CLEAN buffet with well mannered waiters who could actually speak English. And the food was very good too, bite sized everything, even the desserts. Todai is a very good buffet, and White Plains looks like a very clean Pittsburgh.

Tonight, I shall watch Case Closed - it's a Japanese cartoon based on a Japanese comic. Now the question is why would I, the anime-hater (more like anime-not-liker), would deign to contribute half an hour of my busy schedule to watch it at 12:30 at night on a Saturday? Simply put, I've seen the show dubbed in Chinese and it's one of the most fascinating murder mystery shows I've watched. Very clever, it's like a cross between Encyclopedia Brown, Sherlock Holmes and CSI. Hopefully they did not do too bad a job on the dubbing, and hopefully they didn't decide to chop anything out.
On another note, I had a wonderful chat with my best friend, Marlen.

My cousin Yogi would be so happy to know that I've suddenly taken an interest in Madonna. Mostly I just want to do the dance thing she did in her "Human Nature" video and try some of the stuff she's tried - like hennaed hands and..I guess they're called corn-rows or something, that hairstyle she had in the video. I doubt my face is thin or angular enough for that to look good, but it's a fascination I now have, thanks to unemployment.

Well, I've turned into mommy's little helper. There's no way around it - a summer at home where there's no work to be done and you get turned into an elf with a towel and some windex. I've been regularly doing the dishes, going out on errands with mom and just sitting around the house. I dropped off a ton of job applications earlier this week, and I know I could work at Macy's part time, but 1)I want full time, and 2)If I find a better job, I'd want to leave Macy's, which isn't a very nice thing to do to them and 3)I don't like department stores. Ideally I will get something at Pottery Barn or Williams Sonoma - they have great stuff that I like to stare at. Otherwise, maybe Borders Book Store, though I doubt it, since people always want to work there. So it looks to be like another boring week of washing dishes and surfing the web. How is it that my sister can find office jobs so easily?

I did it! I did it! I cooked lunch for mom and myself today from scratch. No cans, no recipes, just me, my bag of lentils and some fresh vegetables. And it turned out good. Mom looked a little dubious at first and said it looked like mexican food, but her eyebrows perked up on the taste-test and said, "Hai bu tsuo, o" which means "not too bad" in English. And she said that when she wasn't even very hungry which means that it must be good, especially when there's no meat in it (mom is blatantly anti-vegetarian, and I'm pretty sure that what I made is a vegan meal...). I thought it was quite yummy myself, though it wasn't the prettiest piece of gourmet cuisine in the world - mom likened it to Taco Bell mexican stuff. I don't really think it looks like Taco Bell per se, and it certainly tastes better and is much healthier. What really surprised me about this cooking experiment is that I didn't measure anything out at all, just a pinch of pepper here, some salt there, and things came out really well. Perhaps I have a knack for cooking? We'll find out when I make lentil stew I suppose.

What fun, what fun! My first freak thunderstorm of the year, I just love them. It rained for only around 10 minutes, really hard so that the road looked like a river, and it washed all the dust into the storm drains. And there was hail the size of ice cubes that my freezer makes falling from the sky. I would have run out into the road and stood there getting wet, except the hail would most likely have knocked me out or at least caused a lot of discomfort and bruises. We all went and stood on the front porch to watch the events unfold, me with my bowl of yogurt and granola, my sister with her comic book. Mom lost interest and started thinking about the flowers and I pointed out that some of our nicest ones, sadly I don't know what they're called, have bloomed into a brilliant shade of magenta. Dad just talked about how we had insufficient drainage on the property. I observed a bug trying to fly wherever a bug might fly in conditions like this. It was weaving it's way in and out from under the safety of the porch roof, until a big hunk of frozen water took it down and both of them were obliterated on impact with the brick edge that is the front of our house - a life and a form gone unnoticed from this world by everyone except for me.

The Wiz is a better musical than I initially thought. It's not a great great musical, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. There was dancing, so much dancing that I'm jealous and wish I was a year younger just so I could be dancing too. I was quite impressed with the girl who played Dorothy, and the Tinman (though he was out of tune occasionally), and also Colleen, but Colleen has always had good stage presence. And my friend Rob was very good too, with his Tae Kwon Do! He was crying a lot after the show though and I hugged him a lot. I don't usually like hugging, but I really enjoy hugging Rob, even a wet and sobbing Rob. One thing about the show overall that I noticed is that nearly everyone couldn't sing a few parts because their voices couldn't go low enough.
I think the biggest surprise was when, at the end, one of the faculty actors set up a bit of a ruse with the director, and they turned a pretend raffle into a marriage proposal. I have to admit, and I hate to admit, that it impressed me (though if anyone ever tried that with me, I'd kill him later).
To go a bit further into the past, my friend Matt and I went to the mall in search of job applications today. I found that to be quite a bit of fun since we laughed and joked our way from store to store as we filled things out and got paper applications. I came away with quite a handful of pages.

Today I feel angry. It's been quite a while since I've gotten home and I still have nothing to do. My sister has been grumpily driving off to work with dad and I've been sleeping in till noon and mooching around the house, dusting off a few places, scrubbing some counters. But overall, there's been nothing. I haven't been productive. I want to work. I want to be busy and make some money so I'm not always dependent on my parents. I'm not being useful and I'm not happy about it. Just angry.

I found the most amazing blog today - actually it's the online pillowbook of an australian bisexual temptress (I wonder how she bags them so easily, and how it is that she doesn't worry about STDs). I started reading it roughly an hour after my friend - skipping school - left after a quick visit - which was around noon. I just finished a few hours ago, actually went back to her earliest blog and read through it all. I believe that was some of the best writing I have read in a very long time, even better than a lot of novels that are out on the market. It was quite humorous and things about it were quite thought-provoking. Despite it being a pillowbook, I wouldn't even call it anywhere close to pornographic smut, I would say it was like a memoire filled with a bunch of lemons. I think it will be one of those sites that I will visit quite often and read with interest. It reminds me that I used to visit "the best page in the universe" a lot and read with that sort of intensity. That page has lately fallen out of my favor though - the writer doesn't update much anymore and his humor has lately been slacking, more bigotry instead of the old satire and sarcastic commentary. I think maybe he's starting to grow up and isn't really into it anymore. How sad...

I think that as long as I don't eat and don't think of disgusting things, I can avoid that horrible nausea feeling I've been getting. Or ask mom to buy a lot of Halls Cough Drops, since those have made the ickiness go away a bit. What really annoys me is she's been eating my cough drops (they're my cough drops, mommy, I bought them myself....). O well. I also think my olfactory senses are going insane in that sometimes I catch a whiff of things that aren't here, like the smell of a nice herb shop or something that reminds me of my cousin's apartment in Taiwan. Could it be that I miss Taiwan? Because I do, I really really do. I want to shop and eat lots of yummy yummy foods, and see my cousins who I haven't seen since I was 10 and go back to the Chiang Kai Shek Memorial and walk in the gardens at noon, in the darkness beneath the walls and watch the sun shine on the reflecting pools...

Well yesterday was just a terrible day stomach-wise. Just massive nausea across the board. And I was a little nauseous after lunch too...Though I just finished dinner and things don't seem to be bothering me. I am tentatively attributing it to my growing aversion to meat. Why oh why? It's summer? Let me enjoy a steak when daddy decides to barbecue! O well...
I'm still waiting for a job to magically appear - I called the temp services yesterday and asked if there was anything they needed from me and only one of them bothered to call me back and they called me back two hours later to say didn't have any photo ID - why didn't they tell me this the first time I called? I also contacted a local architect to see if I could intern or something, anything, I'll work for free for god's sake just get me out of my house!
Ah hem, anyway. I also noticed my comments section has turned into a wonderful debate field for my friends - M and L you know who you are. It's absolutely fascinating, I just read the comments through again and it's quite enjoyable to see that my depression can get something like this, though I don't intend to be depressed more often no matter how fun it is.

So the things that are making me not bored are really doing just that. Making me not bored. However, I forgot one crucial detail in making myself not bored. I have to be completely happy with myself.
Unfortunately I'm not (the being lonely part really, and that o so wonderful feeling of inadequacy). So I just watched one of the movies I rented - Bend it Like Beckham. A wonderful movie that I laughed through. Then after the movie I started wondering if there was anything that I could do really well. And to tell the truth, I can't do any one thing really really well. I'm like my father, where I'm really good at many sorts of things, but I lack the conviction to really apply myself to one thing and become really good at it. Sadly, I think I also inherited that tendency from him. But this strays from the point where I really feel crappy that I can't do any one thing really well. I don't really want to be good at soccer, or really any sport (I hate sports, no offense sports lovers, but if you ask me about Women's college basketball I can tell you loads - Daddy's influence yet again). I also don't think I want to be really good at the violin. It's just...too passive a sort of skill. I want to be an amazing dancer, or some sort of movie star (except many of them aren't too great, personality-wise). I'm ranting I can tell. I just, there's this feeling of desperation and anger in me. Why can't I be noticed? Why am I always the one in the background? For once I would like to be the one people gape at in awe of because I'm a spectacular person with an amazing talent. God, I'd settle for something as stupid and ephemeral as being the prettiest girl in the room.
I'm being an idiot. I'm going to shut up now and try to get some sleep.

I have things now to make me not bored! I went to the library and took out a few books which have amused me greatly (I've gone through 1.5 of them) and a couple of movies which I have yet to watch. There's also a fascinating online game that I'm going back to as soon as I finish this post that has kept me in this computer room for the past few days. They've proven a good way to make my days go by a bit quicker as I anticipate Monday evening - when one big worry will finally have an outcome. And other worries as well...why must I worry so much...?
I was discussing the idea of depression over dinner with my parents, as a friend of mine has not dealt with it too well recently. I was trying to describe it to them as I perceive it to be and begin to wonder, was I actually depressed most of the year? Sometimes at college I would find myself sitting up at 5 am with classes in 3 hours, not sleeping. I was tired, I had nothing to do, and I was just sitting at the computer with absolutely nothing, no one online, keeping me there. I just couldn't bring myself to stand up and take the two steps that would bring me over to my bed because I summon the energy or the will to do it. I think that's what depression is, and I think I was depressed.

So, it's another day of boredom. Sadly, I couldn't sleep this morning, so I'm already awake and it's not even noon yet. The indignity of it all. I think that today, I shall beg mommy dearest to take me to the library, where I shall take out stacks and stacks of books. I think that today, I should also try out that new treadmill that is lying dormant in the basement (mom and dad should be using it...why aren't they?) I can't wait to find a job, a nice, mind numbing job that will occupy my mind on the most minimal level for hours on end - just like high school. High school which I think I've visited way too many times for it to be healthy (I'm not a loser, I like the teachers...). Is it just me or does everything seem smaller when visiting old places? Even my house seems smaller, my parents seem shorter, my sister - well, she couldn't really get any shorter (sorry, May ^_^).

I was bored! Lookie! Isn't it somewhat cool? If I knew any html I'd tweak it a little. And silly Blogger says you have to keep your photos ftp-ed elsewhere....ugh...Maybe my sister can help.

Hello, everyone. I'm home now. In fact, I visited the high school just this morning and chatted with some of the teachers for hours. Tomorrow I go back for round two and show off the Maya documents I didn't bring today and swoop in to meet with the teachers I missed today. So much to do, so little time. Right now I'm beginning to feel that depression that comes with having nothing to do. What I need is 1) something to do (a job would be nice, or a fascinating new book) 2) somewhere to go (sitting in my house which is freezing cold despite the nice weather outside is not good) 3) someone to hug (I miss CMU) 4) less time that is free. I think I'm too much of a workaholic...I actually DREAMED of working last night. I actually WANT to work. What is wrong with me?

So yah, taking a break from packing now. I had no idea I had so much junk. I've accumulated way too many things over the course of this semester. I'm starting to weed out what I won't be using...So sad...

Today I feel something that I haven't felt in a long time - I feel that desperation of loneliness. I'm once again clicking between email, AIM, blogs and particular other websites in search of people who want to talk to me. I have that tense feeling in my chest that I get when I feel alone. Why do I feel like this? I have a whole bunch of friends I could hang out with now. I suspect that perhaps I'm sensing the impending loneliness that will come when I get home. Of course there will be my friends from home, but getting to hang out with them will be so much harder without transportation and parents hovering over my shoulder. I'll also miss the people here at CMU. I can pretty much assume that a month from now, I'll be back to my insomniac ways, sitting up at 3 am for no reason, just searching for people and wishing.

I got an A! My life is complete! I have the approval of my professors! Absolute euphoria!
Only downside is that I was tried calling home and good ole' mum was happily chatting away again. I guess they'll just have to wait to hear the good news. Too bad for them. For now, I shall go out and enjoy the joy that comes with getting an A in studio!