The Holocaust of the Carrots

Today, I found out that the clothing store, Abercrombie & Fitch, is a front for the antichrist (http://www.bju.edu/prospective/expect/dress) and wearing it makes me a bad Christian. I also found out that all Witches have a great fear of "our Lord of Darkness," and that only the armor of God and belief in the Lord Jesus Christ can save us from the demons they raise (http://www.bju.edu/resources/faith/1977/issue9/occult.html). I found out that women and men shall never be equal, and that ladies wearing pants are immodest, and New Age music is the work of the devil (http://www.bju.edu/prospective/expect/rhall). O Lord, thank you for enlightening me, thank you for the creation of such wondrous institutions that aren't recognized by satanic organizations such as the college board. Thank you, dear God, for creating a place called Bob Jones University! I'm awash in religious fervor, can you tell? I'd shout aloud in joy and dance for you, o great and beauteous Lord, but for the fact that the Prayer Captain would hear me and punish me for such a grievous sin!
(Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the present day. This is the age in which men and women have equal opportunities in education and labor. I have found here a time warp, where you, yes you, can step into the 50s. Let us all go and glory in the light of god, and hear the reverend preach the good word in our segragated pews.)
Let us pray now, my flock, let us pray and remember the (forbidden) words of "Reverend" Maynard James Keenan, "...and the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber, and took me on high, and higher still until we moved through the spaces betwixt the earth itself, and he brought me unto a vast farmland of our own midwest, and as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear, and terror possessed me then; and I begged, 'Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?' And the angel said unto me, 'These are the cries... of the carrots! The cries of the carrots! You see, Reverand Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day, and to them, it is ...the holocaust." And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers, and roared, 'Hear me now! I've seen the light! They have a consciousness! They have a life! They have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!' Can I get an amen..Can I get a hallelujah..Thank you, Jesus!"