I despise popups. I went to a friend's site which apparently is hosted by spyware - spyware which tried very hard to take over my browser so that everytime I opened up Internet Explorer, I'd get big white screens that wouldn't let me do anyting except hit Alt-F4. Stupid Spyware, changing my home page back to MSN. But ha! I have Ad Aware and I got rid of the spyware hack stuff and now I can write about my boring old feelings on my blog.
Today I feel unaccomplished. As wonderful as it is that the teachers finally approve of my bench, it makes me sad that 1) the bench isn't all that interesting - it's just a bunch of egg crates stuck together and 2) I still think it's ugly. I just know when it comes time for us to present at the end of the semester, I will be looked over yet again, just like every other time in my life. I feel like all I've ever been is status quo. Despite the fact that I'm above average in intelligence, no one has ever said anything like "Wow, it's Angela, the really smart girl." Similarly no one has ever been even slightly in awe of my violin playing or my dancing, or my artwork or really anything I do. All I ever am is average. Right now I just wish I stood out in some way - even as "that scary girl in the corner who is very b****y." However all I ever seem to come off as is "O yah, Angela. She's cool, really negative though." And then there's nothing else to talk about. I'm not sure what it is exactly that makes me so boring. Right now I wish I was special. I wish I had someone who really understands what it's like to work so hard all one's life and get nothing out of it. I wish I could be really really good at something.

I feel much better today. I woke up on time, and the printer worked for me. Though, I was still extremely crappy feeling in physics. I kind of took it out on Richard so I feel bad. I must find time to make it up to him - and Kevin too. I was a bit harsh towards him too. Then in Interp I got my paper back and the teacher actually approved! Woohoo! And then in studio, I showed my revised concept and model and they approved! YAY! My happiness revolves around two people - Dee and Burns - sad as that may sound. (Dee and Burns, by the way, are my studio teachers, for those of you who don't live in my hell hole).
On the other hand, while I was the only one to cry on Wednesday, there were two today. I think they're starting to feel really bad about it because they kept coming back to studio and checking on the girls to see if they were okay, which I think is very nice. And I know they feel bad, so I feel bad that they feel bad and now I sound redundant and like a wimpy high school girl. And with that, I'll stop writing before I sound dumber.

Bad week. Need hug.
I just messed up an online quiz for physics (aren't we supposed to be able to take them as many times as we want?). 0 out of 10 - I guess I should've tried a little harder. Guess I'll just have to beg the teacher tomorrow, assuming I wake up on time.
I think Dee and Burns have killed my love for the bench project. I had a dream during my much needed nap today that I was bringing up a new bench and Burns turns to me and goes, "I don't even want to look at it." Wonderful sense of optimism I have, huh?

Incidentally, some good news today - I had sent in a maintenance request this morning because our room has consistently been colder than the hallway - which I figure is odd because when I complained to the neighbors who control our thermostat yesterday, their room was sweltering. And yay! A repair guy came today around 2 - absolutely amazing that they responded this quickly, though perhaps it has something to do with the possibility that the temperature may threaten our health. So apparently the case is that our heaters are so clogged from dust and not being cleaned in years that the dust keeps most of the heat in the heaters. Because of that, the heater doesn't even work unless the thermostat is turned up to 3 or 3.5 (as opposed to the usual 2 that my neighbors have it on), so he went over to speak with the neighbors about it and yay! Let there be heat!
Unfortunately, the maintenance request about my curtains haven't been answered - it'd be nice to have privacy once in a while...

All of yesterday I worked hard to improve my bench. I started working right after drawing, basically, and worked until 11:30 at night. Though I did buy dinner, I basically neglected it in my total and absolute euphoric enthusiasm for the current project. I wasn't there because I had to be there, I wanted to work hard and be unnecessarily wasteful in order to make my beautiful bench. I went to bed happy. That was last night.
Right now, I'm stuffing down the Oreos that I bought Sunday night. I am really really glad I bought them, as they are the closest thing to chocolate I have in this room. AKA, my beautiful bench was shot down and de-feathered mercilessly. Oh, they tried to be nice after I started crying (well not crying exactly, just my nose got stuffy and my eyes got kind of puffy and and shiny), and sure they were encouraging, but still, they are basically blaming me for something out of my control. I think it's a gorgeous bench, they think it's ugly. It's totally subjective, and they want something that I find to be rather hideous. I don't think they realize that I'm the one who's going to be staring at it for the rest of my life. But yes, I cried and after they spent a lot of extra time trying to cheer me up (which is exactly the wrong thing to do for me) I went to the bathroom and cried some more. Then I went back into studio and got back to work. Thankfully, John's a guy and he doesn't go "Omigosh, Angela. Are you okay?" I don't know exactly what I'd do if anyone had done that. Probably either a) cried some more or b) gotten angry and refused to acknowledge anyone. Crying is bad, I hate crying.
Pardon me while I return to my Oreos.

My bench for studio is ugly. It's like bad patio furniture from KMart, says my professor. Sadly, I completely agree. I need to work on aesthetics most, I think. I'm so wrapped up in concept that I forget or can't find a compromise when it comes to making things look nice. Ironic, being that I got into architecture because I felt that other peoples' houses were ugly and I wanted to make beautiful things.

As I sit here in the overheated Preger lab, where I really should be working so that I can get to bed at a reasonable time, I find that it is time for another blog update. I came to a conclusion a few days ago, Friday, specifically, that I'm too picky about what I talk or write about. Why discard a perfectly good line of thought just because it doesn't seem to be something that would incite deep thought and long conversations? You never know what could trigger that most mind blowing epiphany of your life. For example, on my way into the building, I yet again walked by the ornate black metal doors that are exactly on the opposite side of the building from the elevator. I've noticed them before but where do they go? There's a little button on the side, as is revealed by close inspection. So perhaps it's an elevator, or at least it was at some point in time of the building's history. If it is in fact an old elevator, then how come we aren't using it. Doesn't it seem odd that a school that can give me around $16000 in grant money can't pay to have an elevator installed for the sake of poor tired architecture students? Ah well, I must get back to work.

Guess how much sleep I got! Guess, Guess! Okay, well even if you were to guess I couldn't tell you if you were right or not, so I'll tell you. A whole 6 hours, waking up at 1 pm! Which means, yes, I went to sleep at 7 am. I think I might be doing something like that again today, since Dancer Symposium auditions run till 11 tonight and I still have to do my english and my physics and the computer portion of my studio homework. So sad I am. Perhaps one day I'll get to sleep as long as I could want.

And it's me again! At 2:40 in the morning. And this time, I'm posting from a MAC. The layout is different - I don't know if I like that yet. So I'm still at studio working, because tomorrow, I have Dancer Symposium tryouts and orchestra, and I fully intend to attend both of those and thoroughly enjoy myself away from architecture. I do like architecture, but thinking of benches even in my sleep is kind of...well, not good. I dreamed I was sitting on a really awesome bench last night, unfortunately, it's the kind that you can't take apart and put in a 20 x 12 x 8 inch box. Oh if only my dreams could do my process work for me - then I could sleep more.
O yes, and as you can see, I decided not to go to the party tonight. My roomie was feeling down and didn't want to go, and when I thought about it, I didn't really want to go anyway. It really would suck all the energy out of me. I was reading a site about personalities and they have one form of categorization that splits people between extroverted and introverted. I read the descriptions and this is what I found at www.keirsey.com - "They prefer to pursue solitaryactivities, working quietly alone with their favored project or hobby, however simple or complicated it may be, and such isolated activities are what seem to charge their batteries. Indeed, the Reserved can remain only so long in contact with others before their energies are depleted. If required by their job, family, or social responsibilities to be expressive or outgoing -- to make a great interpersonal effort -- they are soon exhausted and need alone time in quiet places to rest and to restore their depleted energy. Thus, if Reserved persons go to a noisy cocktail party, after a short period of time -- say, half an hour -- they are ready to go home. For them, the party is over, their batteries are drained." Eh la! C'est moi! At last, a reason why I don't like parties! Other than the drinking that is - drinking which I still saw quite a bit of in my studio - no they weren't drinking, but they were toppling drunk when they walked in.
Anyway, I should get back to work. Good night.

The extent of my exhaustion - this morning when my roomie got up for work at 9:10, I bolted up in bed and went, "Oh S***! Oh wait, it's Saturday..."
I think the tedium of yesterday was relaxing though. I find that perspectives are fun to draw, though spending half an hour in single digit weather and verging on frostbite was a most unfortunate and unwelcomed precursor. And I did some sewing yesterday, too. Fixed my friend's chair and promised to mend his coat, and in return, a backrub! Woohoo! Though I think kI ought to get at least another backrub for doing the mending for him. I kind of feel like his mother. O yes, and I discovered a whole new world of piano happiness in the form of the Music Tech Center, filled with pianos and headphones.
So I think I'm going to go to a party tonight - it's 80s night at one of my friend's frat. I figure I haven't partied since Halloween and that wasn't too bad. I'll just have to find someone to dance with, because that's the only fun of parties. It's unfathomable how people enjoy drinking. My neighbor was sitting on the toilet with her head over the trashcan for 2 hours last night because she felt horrible, and drunk people were swaying in the halls being loud at 3 am. I even asked them to be quiet, though I don't think my words penetrated that cloudy stupor of inebriation. Drinking is bad, and the worst part is that the worst drinkers are so out of it that they can't remember how terrible it is and just continue to dig a deeper grave for their livers. So yeah, I won't be drinking at the party.

So, I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day and he pointed out to me just how depressing my blog can be. To brighten the mood I shall offer two neutral, if not positive, observations:
1) I tried my first scone today. It was an apricot scone. I've decided that I like apricot scones. Perhaps I will also enjoy the Maple Tea scone?
2) I watched a very good movie today - "Infernal Affairs." It's a Cantonese movie with Andy Lau and Tony Leung. Very good movie about an undercover cop vs. a triad mole.

Well, less than one week and I have to leave, and right now I have a HUGE headache. Never fall asleep on the couch, bad neck support.
I don't know what I want right now. On one hand, I would love to stay in good old Connecticut and just mooch or work at some trivial job for minimum wage and not use my brain. On the other, I really want to be creative and do interesting things, thus go back to CMU. The only thing is, there are two things I'm really dreading about Pittsburgh. One is that I'm immensely worried about getting mugged on the way back to campus. I've heard that it's a nice city and such, but I can't help but feel like a great big target lugging around such a large suitcase. I'm also dreading having to wake up at 7:30 or something every morning. Since I have to work late every night, that will be difficult. But maybe I can get stuff done during lunch...
Well, my headache won't let me think any more, so i must be off. Time to take some aspirin.