Being a teacher can really be a wonderful thing. Today my student gave me a present for teacher's day....I didn't even know there was a teacher's day...I feel so bad about that.....
The card was the best thing: Angela (Dear Teacher): Thanks for letting me bend your ear. I didn't bend your ear. BUT, your ears are suffering when I play...true or false? Happy Teacher's Day! And it came with a box of GODIVA CHOCOLATES!!!!! Wow!!!!

Si j'ecrirais ce blog dans francais, comprendriez-vous? Did I even write that correctly? I hope so. Geez, I just spent the last half hour conversing in french with a friend, and typing two essays in french. I think I'm on the verge of thinking in french! And I even had a dream in french today! Yay! Paris, here I come!
Hmm, yeah, for some reason I can't think of anything interesting to talk about. I learned about English kings, its amazing how many of them were homosexual...and I was wondering...Maybe Queen Elizabeth I was the virgin queen because she was sexually assaulted by her stepmother's (King Henry VIII's 6th wife's) second husband. Apparently, he used to sneak into her room early in the morning and chase her around. That can be pretty traumatic so I wouldn't blame her for not getting with some guy.

I gotta say, "Queen of the Damned" is one hell of a sexy movie. Those of you who know me know that a normal me would never say anything like that, and here I am typing it down so that I can't even deny it. But tis true, it is a sexy, erotic movie with really hot goth people in it (Actually, one really hot goth guy. Wow, Stuart Townshend is just yummy with makeup on...O_o). And, while I was watching it, I realized that I could very possibly be a goth...no I do not dress like one, but when I think of it, I like goth stuff (Anne Rice novels, wicca, tarot cards, etc.), I find myself wildly attracted to handsome goth guys (Stuart Townshend, Jay Gordon), and I have a not-so-secret-now-that-I've-written-it-down predilection for certain aspects of the goth look. O, and the biggest thing is that I am one hell of a depressed selfish individual. Just count all the I's and me's in my blogs and how many days I'm depressed. I can't wait till Halloween...

Mmmmm....poetry... So today I went with my friend, 8 other girls and 1 guy and a couple teachers to the Dodge Poetry Festival! It was fun! There was definitely a lot of inspiration and I have stuff to write poems about. I just hope I can remember everything...There was lots of food there too, but all very expensive. They had pina coladas! Eh hem, anyway, back to the task at hand... Yes, poetry. It was definitely very good. There were a lot of poets I've never heard of and I admit some were crappy and yet, some of them were very moving. Many people seemed to like this one lady in particular who rapped at her readings. She's very talented and makes up rhymes very very quickly and I like some of the poetry. I really wanted to hear the chinese guy but I didn't get to. O well...
The ride back was a lot of fun though. We all sang songs and some of the girls plopped make-up on me and the guy. Nothing new for me, but it was definitely interesting to watch them put makeup on him. I flinch more than he does. How does he do it? Argh!
So yeah, today was a nice day. I'm very tired but oy, the stuff in my head...

O_o I feel like I'm about to fall asleep. I can't believe I'm already sleepy... Happily though, I'm going to the Dodge Poetry Festival down in New Jersey tomorrow. I haven't felt inspired enough to write for a while so maybe this will give me a nice creative nudge. I hope so cuz I feel bad if there's nothing new in my book... Can't wait, though...um...now that I think of it...I don't know what to bring. Should I bring a lunch? Or money? My poetry? A back pack? Oy.......I wish I think of these things when I'm around someone I can ask.

Yeah, so I think I'll talk about yesterday. Yesterday was great. Or at least it was until around dinner time when I decided to go online. And what happened there, which I will not say since it should be kept private got me soooooo completely upset that I ended up sitting in my room crying until 2 am. But fortunately, I did write down what I felt, which I think I'll share.

God, I'm so not happy right now. What a CRAPPY week it's been. I hate cryers and now I'm such a hypocrite cuz I've cried myself to sleep practically every night this week. And it's not just any one thing that's been making me so upset. Why did it all have to happen now?
Maybe it's just PMS, I really don't know. I'm just so angry. Nobody can just let me be happy. A few hours after I get home, I start feeling kinda' ok, but then someone comes along and starts yelling in some way shape or form and it all flies out the window! They all criticize, everyone judges. She's so dumb, she's fat, she's ugly, she's so out-of-it, her self-confidence is so low. Well, you know what? I am all those. I'm also a selfish self-pitying bitch who tries to make everyone happy and knows so little about others that things always just gets twisted around, and what was done with good intentions just comes back and bites me on the ass. All I want is someone to just listen and not judge, not comment, just agree and let that be the truth. No, "Of course you're not stupid," or "You're the smartest and prettiest person I know," cuz we all know that I don't want to hear it.
And yes, I'm indirect. I'm indirect becuase I'm constantly worried about making someone angry or someone sad. And I'm always afraid that I'll end up saying something that calls to mind some unsavory character who everyone disapproves of, which makes my already prominent hypocrisy all the larger.
People, words hurt A LOT. They hurt you, but sometimes you don't stop to think if they hurt others. I know I don't, and that's definitely not a good thing. At the moment though, I've got a lot of other friggin issues to sort out so I just can't deal with that. Damn, that desert sounds better every day.

And I gotta say, that desert does sound very very good.

Do you ever find yourself wishing you lived all alone in the middle of a desert? I do. When I'm really sad, I always imagine living in isolation away from everything. It's hard to be around people. It's always that either they're hurting me, or I'm hurting them. I don't want for that to happen, and sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I just wasn't there.

Excuse me while I commence my bragging... Yeah, so it's been awhile. I do tend to slack off on diary-like things. But hey, I've been a lot more diligent about this one than I have been on others (my actual diary from 3 years ago for example. The last page in it documented information and a picture of my HUGE crush from freshman year.). But yeah, I've been busy. Last time, I didn't mention what else I discovered about myself, due to false modesty, of course. But hey, guess what! My WISC-III IQ test from the 4th grade revealed that I got a 132 IQ, in the "just-barely-a-genius" section! And then I found out later that day that I was technically just barely elligible for MENSA. OOOOOOOO. Ah, well, I wonder if my parents aren't to blame. "Darn you mom and dad for not tossing me into the brain-stew-pot so that I could emerge as a real life Jenny Neutron: Girl Genius." But then, when I look at how there's little 7 years olds with huge course loads wandering around Caltech, I gotta say thanks for letting me grow up slow and enjoy the brainless part of life.

Oh dear.... It seems like sometimes I'm searching hard for things to say, and other times so many things happen at once. It's like at the ice cream shop. It's not a nice steady trickle of customers, but a sudden gush of impatient people standing in a stuffy room. My, my. It never rains but it pours.
Well, this morning was really fun, my friend and I went to our guidance counselor and hung out. We looked through my file and wow, there were a lot of things there I didn't know about. Can you believe that I've been spelling my middle name wrong all my life?
Hmm, now that I think of it, there's not much to talk about....
I just found out that I forgot that I put up a link to this page, whoops. Now my friend's mad at me. I suppose I should come out and say what I feel, but that makes me feel uncomfortable. Why do we need to argue it all out in public anyway? Or in person for that matter? Being slightly neurotic I don't think well in tight situations and basically deflate under pressure. I think I'll stick to indirectness - why do people find that so offensive?

Wow, today was a twitchy day again. Still don't know why the fourth finger twitches...I'm positive that's not healthy. But hey, today was a good violin day. I realized while I was playing that I kept messing up because I was too worried about sounding good. It's always trying too hard that makes things not work out. Maybe that's why my best friend dropped out of calculus...I really wish she didn't. She seems to be drifting too. We used to be the best of friends, I don't think she even thinks of me as anything more than a brain in a bottle that magically appears next to her in classes. Not sure what's going on with her right now. She used to be very dedicated to school, and now she seems to put it at the bottom of her priority list, she still obsesses over her boyfriend, and she's constantly at odds with her parents...I really hope she gets over it soon, I want my best friend back.
Today was also a fun fun (sarcasm) day in the guidance department. While filing, I went through two criers. Why do people cry? It doesn't make sense. It makes them feel worse (in the worst way possible, self pity is so unbecoming) and it makes others cry too or at least feel uncomfortable. And what does it do in the end? Either it basically coerces someone into action or the crybaby is left in a pathetically wet heap.

Busy busy busy. Today was, of course, busy. I spent quite a while cheering up, or at least, attempting to cheer up a friend. I think I'm very bad at cheering people up. I'm not sure why it's so hard, but it is. I thought I'd read her a bit from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, unfortunately, the late Doug Adams doesn't seem to be her cup of tea. And then the homework, first there was nothing, and now I'm inundated! You'd think the school would be nice enough to just leave me to my locker, but no, they had to confiscate them from seniors as if they never used them. Silly people, assuming things.

What little time in the world... Today was spent with family, lots of it. The entire "clan" was there, plus the family of mom's cousin. Needless to say, there were a lot of little children scampering around. It's almost strange to be around my cousins. I never really see them anymore, and we all have so much going on, that when I finally see them, there seems to be nothing to talk about. Not to mention, I feel almost shy around them. Whatever happened to the squealing and laughing and a day filled with computer games? It seems that we've all changed so much and drifted away. It's sad how we all change, how friends and family just float farther and farther apart.