I have come to equate my room as a place of sadness. Studio is a place of frustration.
As you can see, I have once again receded back to a state of perpetual depression. The reason? I've come to realize that I am a very selfish and jealous person. I can't share certain things. And also, I've come to realize that a person who I was interested in is definitely not the one for me. We are too much alike and what we want are too different. I don't even have to speak with him to know this. I know, and I will be the one to break it off - or that is, try to make something of nothing - so he doesn't have to worry about hurting my feelings. And so, another avenue to feeling - not loved, nor cared for - something in between - has died. At least I learned something from this and as soon as I am out of my room or studio and somewhere in the world, I will meet new people and start afresh.
Right now, however, I very much want to talk to someone who will understand and not judge, but she isn't here right now.

If you would like to know how much sleep I got last night, you will be glad to know that I got a full, uninterrupted and much needed 12 hours. Now if you do the math, even if I were to wake up at 8, that means I went back to 8. Well, I woke up at 6, extremely disoriented and confused to find that strangely I had gone back in time. But then the sun started to come up and I loudly yelled an expletive and dashed off to the showers. I was going to visit some friends who I haven't seen in days - and a particular someone for whom I have many questions - but instead, I passed out on my bed. The upside is that today was extremely productive. I didn't even get the twinge of panic I usually get when the sun sets. Maybe I should try this pattern more often, and breakfast at the cafeteria is really good! Pancakes! I love their pancakes! And not only was I ontime to physics, I was really really early! I got to sit around and chat with people that I don't really know that well - or rather - try to chat with them. They call us archies a closed group, but really, they're pretty bad too because I was extending a hand of friendship and they basically ignored it. How rude.
So what do I have to do this weekend? I have to remake a very beautifully crafted model of my gorgeous room that I'm very impressed with. I have to use ink on mylar and make a couple of sections and a plan. I have to complete a freehand drawing that isn't really a freehand drawing (I do believe I'll start over completely on that one). I must then make revisions to my 3D model on Maya and possibly spend extra time helping others as I am probably more familiar with the program than even the TAs. Then I have to make significant progress with my bench, seeing as I've only completed a sixth of it and I need to be 40% of the way completed by Monday. On top of that, I have to study for a physics exam, and then there's still orchestra on Sunday night. And sometime during all of this, I must find a little bit of time to spend with my non-archie friends...

Good morning. IT's 4:33 and I'm not even close to going to bed yet. Poor me just finished up a night of studio work - I turned out some really great stuff. How, you ask? Well, I downed a cup of "Mischevious Mocha" which has a double shot of espresso. I'm glad I had that extra burst of energy as it is what got me to finish my project which in my opinion, is the best work I've turned out thus far. The downside is that my poor tummy is paying for it. It's definitely churning right now and I really hope I don't throw up. A double shot of espresso in one night is more caffeine than I usually have in an entire year, so I'm not used to it. I went to show my roomie my project while she was finishing up her work - this was around 2 o' clock, and I was so hyper that my hands were shaking and I was talking a mile a minute. I think the people around us, as well as Rachel, were most amused. I would be if my tummy didn't bother me so much. Well, I have to start my English assignment. I have a feeling that I'm not sleeping tonight. Or at least, by the time I can go to sleep, it'd actually be better that I didn't. I'm contemplating having another espresso tomorrow morning for breakfast, but I think I definitely would throw up from it. Ah well, sleep well, world, for I shall not.

O on another note, I feel a little more optomistic.

Last night was really killer - I had so much work to do. It's an endless cycle, it is. Work really hard one day and then be too tired to the next and so slack off, and then work hard the next day because of the slacking off, etc. It's a terrible cycle that I wish I could break. Maybe I'll be able to after spring break. Tomorrow will be spent working on my room project, violin lessons - which I haven't had time to practice for, dancer symposium rehearsals, and if there's time in there somewhere, I might toss a couple hours into the wood shop. Good luck to me.

I'm afraid to talk about it, because I may divulge too much information. I'm afraid to talk about and let others know, because I don't know if it is something that will last. I'm so confused and the questions have been keeping me occupied. I am confused, extremely confused and would like some answers. At the same time, I'm afraid of the answers. What if they aren't the answers that I am looking for? I don't want to go back to what was before, but if that's the way it is, then I suppose I will have to settle for that. I feel though, that if they don't know too much behind my good mood, in case my good mood has reason to end, it'll be easier to forget about it.
What do I want? I thought I knew but now I don't know. I thought I could be happy with a minimal situation, but now that the situation has presented itself, I find myself wondering if the minimal is enough. I don't think so. Is it? My mind is constantly occupied as was predicted.
It sounds like I go into this with very little hope. That's not the case. I just don't want to be too sad again, in case the situation was ephemeral.

Ah, the sweet sweet scent of spring is in the air.. Or at least, it was for three hours. And then the clouds rolled in and it started raining. Thus our beautiful 60 degree day turned into a dreary 50 degree day. How sad.
Apparently my conversation with my dear mummy last night was most informative as to the situation of my sister's life and when May called home tonight, mumsy gave her a talking to. There are more details that I'm sure sister dearest does not wish for me to divulge so I shall not, but let me say that it is most ticklish.

I can feel this wonderful mellowness coming to a close - it looms on the horizaon and I don't welcome it. I like this, ti's nice not to be so constantly harassed, to be able to just take is easy and know that everything will come in its own time. No hurry.
In fact, it feels like things have been getting lighter, workload wise - though when I talk to my fellow archie friend, it's not that we have less work, we just don't notice it as much anymore. If we had had as much last semester as we had now, we would all freak out and throw fits. But now, it's nothing. I made two study models today and am pretty much set for tomorrow. Absolutely amazing.
I was calculating my time today and I think that going back to Shaolin Boxing is a possibility. The only thing that would really worry me is the cost issue. I am pretty sure that though I would have time for it again, attendance would still be spotty. Is it worth it to pay $35 a month when I could probably only make 3 out of all the classes? I really wish it didn't cost so much, I wouldn't be quite as apprehensive about going back.

I am just about to complete my most unproductive day of all semester by going back to sleep after a 5 hour nap. The only reason I got up was to shower and brush my teeth, oh, and to feel somewhat accomplished by adding a blog entry.
No sign of roomie - I assume she's at that movie(on a weeknight, Rachel? You're going to be dead tired tomorrow...O well, your life, I shouldn't be so nosy...)
As for me, myself - healthwise, I feel like crud. The dust and the heat and dryness of good old Big Blue (aka, Donner House) has added up into a triple hell of stuffy/runny/dry-feeling nose. I'm not actually sick, my nose is, but I'm not. It sounds like I'm sick because my throat gets dry because my nose is dry so when I breathe with a clear nose every once in a while, the dry air hits the back of my dry throat and the coughing starts. I must say, this is probably the most miserable part of winter. The solution: a humidifier - except I'm too cheap to buy one, so I shall suffer in my desert conditions.
It's funny, I always wanted to live in the desert. I hate the cold and the rain, so living somewhere hot and dry seems logical, except that now that I think of it, the desert would wreak havoc on my poor sinuses. Maybe I should buy some plants and put them in the room, maybe that will create an artificial oasis? But then I would have to water them all the time...
I don't know if you can tell, but all week I've been feeling very mellow. None of that sickeningly sad desperation that I felt all those days when Valentine's Day was looming on the horizon. Maybe my brain reset and it thinks I have all the time in the world to find someone to celebrate the next V Day with. Maybe. Or maybe I've just given up and am resigned to be an old maid forever. Or perhaps the studio has pushed us so hard that my brain has fizzled out and refuses to function until the last possible moment. Whatever the case, mellow is me.

I don't know what to write. Umm, I don't feel so horribly lonely at the moment - I suppose my hormones aren't on overdrive at the moment, and now that Valentine's Day is gone for a year, well that leaves a whole other year to find someone.
I took a test for physical attraction on Match. com and it says that I'm extremely picky and that I like either guys with a nice strong jawline, high forehead, not too feminine nor masculine (ecto - mesomorph or something) or guys who are super thin fellows called Mesomorphs with facial traits that take after much of European royalty. I never really thought of myself as picky, though when I think about it, I really am, and it doesn't really help that I think a lot of guys aren't particularly attracted to me. Ah well, doomed to be alone.

I just came back from watching the movie, "Love Actually." It was a very enjoyable movie, but it left me walking away really sad. It's Valentine's Day, and everyone is with someone. I was talking to my friend and I realized while we were talking, it's not that I want to find that perfect someone. I want someone to find me. I don't want to be the one who has to offer the option of a relationship. I want to be offered, I want to know that someone finds me attractive and interesting, and thinks about me when I'm not around. I want to know that maybe, somewhere, someone might think of me fondly, and maybe even in...not so innocent ways. Is it a selfish thing? It probably is, but just knowing that someone, completely of their own volition may be interested in me, that would be nice, it would make life...well...nice. It hurts to watch my guyfriends salivate over other girls in my presence, as I'm just "one of the guys." It really makes me wonder, does anyone even think of me in that way?

Happy Friday the Thirteenth, my dear readers. As you know, this is supposedly on of the most unhappiest of all days, ironically followed by the day of "love." Strangely enough for me, today has seemed to be quite lucky. The teachers approved of our project, everyone was on time, the teachers were in a VERY good mood. Dee actually brought King Cake (a mardi gras thing, it's got cream cheese, and lots of jam in it - a diabetic coma under a layer of yellow, purple and green sprinkles. It has a plastic baby in it and whoever gets it has to throw the party next year, though that's supposed to be a good thing...). And guess who got the baby? Well, of course, me, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it. I suppose that means next year I'm the one who has to import a King Cake from Mississippi. That should be interesting. The luckiest was that I narrowly avoided contracting the AIM virus that's been going around. Thank goodness I didn't have time to play games...

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am about to embark on yet another odd sleep cycle that will consist of two hour naps in varied increments that will allow me to get work done and stay rested at the same time. My mother, I'm sure, would disapprove.
My friend told me to read her blog and I'm happy to report that life is looking up for her, after several days of unhappiness, and that life is looking up for my other friend after he himself dwelled in a similar misery for several months. They are very lucky. Marlen even wished that the bug would come down to Pittsburgh and perhaps lend me some luck. Unfortuantely, I caught a different sort of bug, as my throat at this moment feels absolutely terrible. I thought maybe it was the air...maybe it is the air. This time of year does terrible things to my sinuses and my throat. Ah well, I guess relocating doesn't change certain wonders that come with spring.
I spent most of today with my friend working on a group project. I don't recall if I've ever mentioned him, but he's what I'd characerize as a cool guy - meaning, he knows who he wants to hang with and he knows who he's going to call nasty and never speak to willingly. I suppose it's really sad, but I was absolutely delighted that he asked to work with me on this project. I know he works hard, because the last big group project we had, we basically did the work for five people. Still, it is somewhat - or rather - very - pathetic that I'd be so happy to be friends with a "cool" guy, isn't it?

I was just sifting through my desk and I found the card that a librarian had given me while I was trying to find information on my plant project and the very start of last semester. Donald - what an interesting name. At one, I think of Danoald as a the name of a petulant child, and yet, I also think of Don, a very confident sort of man's man fellow. The librarian was neither of those. As I remember, he was a very sweet, shy sort of fellow. Very polite. I even saw him while walking back to Donner a week or two after meeting him. I think I might have scared him a bit when I turned around and I was somewhat...gothy. Boy do I wish I wasn't wearing make up that day. I think I might have actually scared the poor fellow. Still, now that I think back, I really quite like him. Quiet and very good at listening. Why can't all guys be like that?

I don't know what I want to write about, right now. I just feel like I ought to update about things. I spent most of today in the woodshop working on my project. I hope that one day, I'll have the time to make projects of my very own. Project number 1: Chess boards. I personally don't like the game at all - strategy just can't hold my interest. However, chessboards are such aesthtically pleasing things and so simple that you can do so much with them. I think I'd like to make around four completely unique, custom boards for my chess playing friends and family. Then they can show off my work. Woodshop - I quite like working with wood, but the only thing that bothers me about it is the noise. Loudly noises are very scary. I'm constantly twitching when I'm in there because of all the noises. Still, if I had the choice, I'd spend a lot more of my "free time" in there, just making gorgeous chess boards and sets for those that I know will appreciate them.
Another project that's been on my mind since the fall is the creation of a picture book. I want to do something like "the sights of Schenley." Even though it's not a unique park or anything (if anything, I heard it's extremely dangerous to go there alone) I fell in love with it in a detached, not actually there, sort of way. Nature is beautiful, when I'm comfortably sitting in my room far away from it. I'd like to take photos of the park and put together a nice coffee table book, something to leaf through and remember one of the reasons why architecture seemed like a good major.

I was just reading through my previous blogs and I realized that for a site titled "In Pursuit of Something Interesting to Say," there's really nothing particularly interesting on this site. All I every do is talk about my day with a woe is me attitude (not only are my days boring, the self pity I exhibit is excruciatingly revolting) and give much discourse about my lack of a love life. (Though I must admit, most of my day is spent thinking about my love life. I'll bet if I did get someone, my work that I produce for studio would be ever so much better, because I would spend my time thinking about work instead of how to best seduce whomever has my interest at the moment or wondering what couples do in fact tlak about. Ah yes, me and my incredible, unusual lack of experience in the relationship department. It really is amazing how peopel talk to me about their love lives when I have less knowledge about it than anyone - that is of course, only if you compare me to someone who is older than six. If you were to compare me to a six year old, I'd say we were about even. Ack! I've drifted! Must get back to the issue at hand.)
And so, in an effort to spruce up my site with more interesting things, I shall give an opinion: Scones are good. So are windfarms. I don't believe I much care for many shades of blue - perhaps I should change by blog's looks?
More opinions of more important topics to follow as I attempt to actually read the news occasionally.

It seems that I've been updating my blog more often than many of my friends do. Now the question is does anyone ever read it?
Well, I'm still obsessing over Tears for Fears and I'm somewhat better rested now that I just woke up from my 5 hour nap - imagine my surprise when I woke up at 11! Though, I still feel kind of tired - getting one day's worth of sleep over the course of three days does that I suppose.
I got my room draw number today. I am number 777 out of 1280...I guess I might not get to live on campus, unless someone I want to live with gets a better number. Now comes the time where I wonder if I should ask my roomie if she'd like to live with me again. I would like to live with her again, she's a cool roomie - but I dunno what she thinks about living with me. I think it's quite amusing - 777. Since 666 is a sign of a devil, does this perhaps mean that I'm one above satanic? Though for the sake of room draw, I would have preferred 666.

Yet again, I'm posting when I should really be working. I really want to get everything done before midnite, especially since the last time i slept was for 4 hours which ended at 2 am. Strangely, I'm not tired, probably because I've been on the go all day. I worked in the computer lab from 2 am till 12:30 pm, missing the sunset because I was at a computer facing the wall (poo, that would've been the first I'd seen since high school ended). and then I went to eat and went right back to work at...2? Finished up at 6. Went to my room, fixed up my English paper and then went to orchestra for an hour. Then with my violin case (11 pounds) my physics book (5 pounds) a bag of groceries (around 8 pounds I'd say) and my usual backpack, I climbed up 3 flights of stairs twice for the sake of my studio. Now, I should either study for my physics exam tomorrow (too tired for that) or do my reading for English (I think I could handle that). O and all of this happened with me accompanied by my CD player playing Tears for Fears - my current obsession. O and did I mention that before that fiasco of an all nighter, I'd already spent most of my Saturday in the lab as well? From 2:30 pm till 9 pm... I'd say that adds up to 24 hours, which is why when I saw my English teacher today I told him that the archie girl in class who said we probably each spend 12 hours a week in studio or at least doing studio work was horrifyingly off. 12 hours is around how much we spend a day...
O and I have recovered from my failure after a nice chat with my best buddy from home where I finally realized that as good looking as a guy is, if he has too many flaws that are so apparent, then perhaps it's better that I don't end up with him. Still, it would have been nice to have someone to hug or to be hugged by for Valentine's Day. Maybe that way I wouldn't feel like such an old maid. Ah well, I suppose I've waited about 19 years (more like 18 plus 10 months), I could wait longer. Meanwhile, it seems that my friend has accumulated a whole following and they're vying for her attention. I would like to know how she does it and then exploit that skill for all its worth.

I do believe I quite like "Hey Jude."
And keyword of today - Failure.

Guess how much sleep I got the night before last night! 3.5 hours! Guess how much I got last night! 2 hours! Guess how tired I was today! Very! I actually nodded off a bit in my Interp class, and that's just about the most interesting class I have. I'm very disappointed with myself. Nevertheless, I managed to get a nice long nap today right after classes ended.
Yesterday, we spent a lot of the day researching La Maison a Bordeaux, a very interesting house built by Rem Koolhaas, a professer at Harvard. I was little taken aback that my friend Zack practically yelled at me for spending my time looking for information online. But then, later, when he actually looked at what I found, he was quite impressed. Thank goodness for the french, because they are the ones who made what I found different from what the others found (I also suspect that what the teachers really like about our research was what the house was based on - which I found). And yes, the teachers were actually happy. They said, "You guys are right where we want you to be." I positively glowed, though I worry they're just trying to be nice so that no more of us cry.
I was a little sad when my partner, Nate, said he wouldn't ever work with Zack again. Though I agree, Zack does too much, he's still a very good person to work with. I guess they're too different. Zack is the hardworking boy from the close family who will always stick to the rules, whereas Nate is just as hardworking, but chooses to spend more time with a life outside of work. Sometimes I'm amazed that I could be friends with both (though I'm much more surprised Nate would be my friend than anything - those types of guys usually think I'm an idiot and stay away).

Happy Imbolc everyone! Well, it was Imbolc until about 3 hours ago. Now it's just February third. For those of you who don't pay attention to pagan religion, this is the non-Christian version of Valentine's Day which dates all the way back to before ancient Rome. In fact the way in which the Romans practiced it (which I find very amusing) is that their priests of Pan would run through the streets with goat pelts, whacking women in order to bestow a blessing of fertility. Needless to say, I much prefer the modern Hallmark version of Imbolc, filled with chocolates, flowers, cards, hugs and kisses.
So Valentine's Day is closing in on me. In just twelve days, I'll be able to look back on my life and see what a failure my romance life is. Yes, I was one of those sad depressed people in high school who never got anything Valentine related on Valentines Day. I might have worn black once in protest, but I can't seem to remember. It seems tacky now that I think of it. I think a more effective protest would have been to carry a big sign that says "I hate you all, you cowards who can't see beyond the surface!" Though, being obscure as ever, I don't think anyone other than I would understand what I meant. Maybe it'd be better that way, I'll just be misunderstood. Or maybe I'll just be bitter and mope as usual.

Well, yesterday was a very interesting day. Or rather, the day wasn't all that different. When night fell, things got interesting. Rachel invited me to a design party and after I had heard about the great time she had Friday, I thought I might check it out. Unfortunately, when we got there, we found a crowd that was too old and air that was too thick with tobacco. Tobacco is about the most disgusting thing to smell. It makes my stomach turn.
And then there was also the angry drunk ex of Rachel who chatted with me about the relationship over AIM. Boy was I glad it was over the internet. He sounded like he would've gotten very loud had he been here. I'm not too good with dealing with drunk people, but I've learned that it's best not to reason with them too much. Just let them flutter along and then ground them when they're sober.
Another thing, someone who is quite important to me here at CMU told me something very important pertaining to her life. I'm quite honored that she trusts me enough that she'd tell me this so I'm not going to go blabbing what it is and who it is. It was very interesting when she told me. I always wondered how I'd act in such a situation and I think I'll just say that Mr. Hintze would be proud.