Sad tonight. Wish someone loved me best. Wish I don't have to feel this way.

AHH!! Myst 4 is being released in September. There are so many games I need to get - Deus Ex 2, Myst:Uru, and now I'm eagerly anticipating Myst 4 and the sequel to The Longest Journey. I think I might play that game again...hmm..
My gramma is now here in the US. My dad and I went at 10 pm last night to go pick her up in Newark Airport, what a long drive. I don't think I've been so fidgety in a car since I was in elementary school. I think part of it happened to be because it was just me and dad for 2 hours. It was easier when gramma arrived because she and dad occupied each other. Though she insisted I sit in the front with dad...makes no sense to me, but she was already comfortable in the back seat. I decided to doze off on the ride home even though I was there for the special purpose of keeping dad awake. Oops. Incidentally, I was rudely awoken several times during the trip when we had a flash summer storm - thunder and lightning, the whole works with sheets of rain so thick that the windshield wipers did nothing to help us see where we were going. Mom told us that it rained so hard that she had to close all our windows completely. Funny how the sun is shining outside. I think I'm going to take some photos of my house and neighborhood now, post them on my website. It'd be nice to let people see what my home is like.

Sometimes one wonders what goes through peoples' heads on OKCupid. So I just checked my account again and what do you know, I got yet another message. Now I was quite surprised to get propositions, serious ones, from 40 year old lawyers who ski and row in their spare time. Today was the grandest doozie (is that how you spell it?) of them all, though. Stats = 50 years old, currently divorcing his wife and has four children, one of which is older than me by eight years. Can you imagine? His other children are all younger than me by 1 - 4 years. Just...wierd...he's older than my dad... I think if anything, I should be considering dating his son, not him...eesh...

There are no more fixtures to scan - inventory is over! I'm quite sad, it's a fun sort of mindless work. Tomorrow I start training to be a sales associate. I'm not sure what that entails, but to tell the truth, I'm not really one for selling things to people. I'd be perfectly content with just folding clothes and neatening things up in general instead of trying to convince someone that they would absolutely die without one of those new pink bags. Sure I'd probably make less by working by the hour instead of on comission, but I'm just not that much of a people person. Then again, I don't even know what they'd have me selling...I doubt cosmetics since my complexion and severe lack of makeup makes me a very unconvincing model of the prodects, and I doubt shoes, since all the sales people for that department seem to be men. I wouldn't mind working in the Liz Claiborne section since it's the one that gets messed up the most (o cleaning heaven...), or SOCKS! My mother's probably going to start giving me lectures on how to sell things everytime I get a ride to work from her, now. I think selling things is the Kao family business, so she's excited I'm sort of hopping on the bandwagon.
O yes, and I got my very first ever paycheck today. I felt it was quite a sizable sum, it was equivalent to about 7 weeks of work at the ice cream store since that didn't pay too much and hours were few. It annoyed me though, when my sister decided to pipe up very loudly about the meagerness of it, stating that she always made much more at her receptionist and secretarial job. So I was feeling reasonable and said, "Well, May, look at the difference. Your job takes brains while my job doesn't. You add up columns of numbers while I pick up a ticket and press a button. That's very different, brain-wise." And then she just had to press the issue - "Brain work? I didn't use my brain..." Argh, May! I don't give a crud whether or not you felt like using your brain. It's a different line of work, yours takes an education and prior knowledge of computer programs. All they do is hand me a scanner and tell me to get all the tags. It's obvious why I don't get paid as much, so just don't talk about it. I don't really give a crap who gets paid more, just don't play stupid about it.

Socks! Socks everywhere! Can you guess which department I scanned for inventory today? I do believe that my latest fashion obsession is socks. I have left the pant fetish behind and am moving on. I blame Rachel and her fishnet knee-high birthday present (twas a good present, I wore them to work yesterday in a snazzy outfit consisting of one of my black collared shirts, my green cargo crop pants, fishnets blatantly hanging out for all to see, and my lovely black boots (wish they were combat boots...). I enjoyed walking around with the ensemble and was very happy to see that my employers didn't care one whit about my "unprofessional dress sense." In fact, the only thing they did say was that they liked my Christian Dior purse, which is in fact a faux Christian Dior purse that my aunt left behind on her last visit. Also fun today was that I scanned socks with Brett all day. We just talked...and talked...and talked...my throat was horrendously sore by lunch time. It was very enjoyable all the same, though the content of our conversation was slightly philosophical, verging on deathly nerdy. "Alpha Centauri! Yah, that's an awesome game! Have you ever played StarCraft?" or "So I read in the most recent issue of National Geographic about how some towns in Columbia are completely supported economically on the sales of cocaine base..."

Work just flew right by for me today. It was quite nice after the first hour. I think the other days were just tedious because we were in the back rooms, climbing up ladders and scaling shelves. I'd say I was about 20 or 30 feet up in the air, balancing precariously on a wobbly ladder scanning towels and rugs which were VERY dusty. I had to go and wash my face several times because lint and sweat do not mix and I felt like coughing up a hairball. Today was just scanning price tags in the childrens section and the sheets and such in homewares, nice packaged, non-dusty sheets. Pretty colors...
As for life, there's nothing happening. I'm falling back into my summer social hiatus sort of life, where I cut myself off from the world. I think I'll just update my blog more often and be online less. I seem to be finding more and more things to do around the house instead of sitting in front of the computer. And work takes up a lot of my time now (thank god).

Today was a day for missing. I was feeling nostalgiac so I took out some books that I used to read all the time when I was in high school. I read through one series today during the power outage. It was nice and it reminded me of a lot of things. For one, it reminded me of my first big crush, Stuart, from Norwalk. I was crazy about him for years and years even though I only met him once. We were at the house of some mutual friends of our parents, and since my sister was occupied with the computer games and we were the only other two kids there, we went for a long walk by the creek that was rushing by the house. He showed me a waterfall and we walked from one end to the other. I noticed that when I read books that have a main leading man in it, I subconciously attach his face to the character, though usually somewhat more grown up, as he was only in 7th grade and I in 6th at the time. I think he's also the reason why I have a predilection for blond haired, blue eyed boys with something like a mushroom cut and bangs parted in the middle. I thought I'd gotten over him, but I guess not. I think my idea of him has become an ideal actually. I asked a girl who went to his high school if she knew him and she said that he was a dear and close friend of hers. Being that she was the type of girl who was...not a good girl, I have a feeling that by "dear and close" it meant that there were some bad things involved. Oh well. He's still the nice boy who took me for a walk by the creek. Funny thing also, is that the last time I went back to that house, I tried to find the waterfall. It's gone now, can you imagine?

I just completed day three of work today and my feet are very sore. No lower back pain, however, so I don't mind. In these past few days, I've learned to lift heavy boxes (learn - yes learn, I usually avoided that sort of thing in the past), how to build architecturally unsound structures out of box-shaped radios with built in ambient lighting, how to untangle yards of bra straps in less than an hour, how to discern edible mall food from greasy mall food (salad bar at Sbarro's, go figure) and how to fold clothes neatly in the store fashion. I'm a bit surprised that I haven't found any of this to be particularly tedious, and I'm also surprised that I've been able to wake up without any trouble everyday at 6 am. I suspect the sleep deprivation of architorture prepared me and seven hours is godly now.
And I made a couple of new friends. There's one girl that I think is quite nice but she always gets sent elsewhere, but I still get to work with Sue a lot - I think they like to keep the Chinese people together. One employee who was doing inventory in the same room as us on the first day asked if we were sisters. We said no. Then she asked if we were cousins. We said no. Then she proceeded with the assumption that we both were from China. Yet again no. Same language? Not quite, I speak mandarin, she speaks Cantonese, and I'm actually from Virginia while she's from ..hmm, I don't know where, other than New Fairfield, that is. O and there's also Brett, nice biology major from Cornell who aspires to be a researcher - a very funny guy. "Let's do lunch, noonish?" he said today. Very funny.

What I would like to know is how painkillers can possibly be addictive. But then again, I seem to have a wonderful situation where they're one-time-only deals, or they don't work at all. Vicoden did nothing for my poor aching jaw. Now the phenazo-whatever it's called is doing nothing for me after one day of painless bliss. The tylenol I took seems to be quite effective though. I expect for that to not be the case tomorrow. So yes, I haven't been online for the past couple of days because they are what I term "the days of excruciating pain" where whatever position I was in was just too painful for me to concentrate. I haven't had a straight full hour of sleep in the past two days, and I couldn't manage to eat anything or walk without being doubled over after a couple of steps until half an hour ago. My parents, after taking me to see a doctor this morning (where I got a shot! the indignity...) went to do some shopping in NY and ended up getting home at 8 pm. By that time, the pain in my back felt like someone had stabbed me in the kidneys with a bowie knife and was wriggling it around, and my stomach felt like it had been replaced with a boulder. I spent dinner in my seat with an untouched bowl and chopsticks in front of me, huddled into a corner. Thank god for the tylenol...I feel so much better now.

Why me? WHY ME!? I have yet another urinary tract infection, but this time, it's hit my kidneys. I have to hobble everywhere hunched over because it hurts me to move. Thank god for the painkillers or I wouldn't even be able to lie down. The silver lining to my pain-filled day is that I got to go to the emergency room, something that I have never done before. I can just barely recall visiting my mother in the hospital when she had her gall bladder taken out, I'd say I was only four or so, and other than caroling in the children's ward, I haven't been to the hospital. The emergency room works quickly though. I was in and out in less than an hour - which is a very good thing; sitting in a waiting room for 3 hours just waiting for some doctor is not a happy prospect, healthy or in agony.

Ahh! I couldn't help myself.
EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS = Favorite Spice + Last Foreign Vacation Spot

Cinnamon Shanghai (That sounds silly...)


SOCIALITE ALIAS = Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where
You First Partied

Cheese Pittsburgh (Gah! Why would I ever want that?!)

"FLY GIRL" ALIAS (a la J. Lo) = First Initial + First Two or Three
Letters of your Last Name

A. Chi (Hmm, no change there...)

DIVA ALIAS = Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in
Kitchen

Dark Chocolate Milk (No, I don't think I like that name either, but if some company ever produced such a drink I would definitely like to try it.)

DETECTIVE ALIAS = Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Last
Went to School

Bunny Carnegie Mellon (But, but, no....that's just...noo....)

BARFLY ALIAS = Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Drink

Jello Guava Juice (I'm almost tempted to make my favorite drink a shot, thus Jello Shot, how appropriate)

SOAP OPERA ALIAS = Middle Name + Street Where You First
Lived

Hsiao-Hsien Rose (technically it's not the street where I first lived, but I only lived at the first house for like 6 months during which I had no mind. By the way, the middle name is pronounced Shao Shen. That actually sounds pretty good...)

PORN STAR ALIAS = First Pet's Name + Street You Grew Up On

Pinky Rose (Well, I'm glad I'm never going to be a porn star)

JEDI NAME = First 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of
your first name, First 2 letters of your mother's maiden name +
the first 3 letters of your hometown

Chi'an Kadan (Hey! Not bad!)

NERD ALIAS = Current brand of printer, last technical term used in conversation

Cannon Configuration (And I'm ready for war)

I'm on a quest to get rid of that horrible apathy that I'm feeling. I watched "Troy" and now I'm reading a lot of emotion-inspiring novels like "Jane Eyre." Or at least, "Jane Eyre" is what I consider emotion inspiring. I felt pangs in my heart while reading it, especially the ending, but then that's the silly romantic side of me. Mr. Rochester is just the sort of fellow that I would like, very passionate and dark, and he is very decided in everything. While I've met many gentlemen in my life, they are just that, gentlemen. I'm not looking for one of those.
I strangely felt jealous of Jane. I don't really like that sort of feeling, but it's one that I haven't felt in a while. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, as it is a sort of feeling. Or maybe apathy would be better.

I went to watch the movie "Troy" tonight. I quite enjoyed it, even though there were definite parts that made me cringe. Petricles gasping for breath with a very large gap in his throat - I hiccupped, probably my body's way of preventing me from throwing up everything I had for dinner. I shall never be a surgeon or a warrior of any sort, nope - the battefield is not the place for my poor tummy.
On a nicer note, while I watched the movie I felt a longing. Not really a romance lovey-dovey longing, though I was most intrigued with the Achilles/Rosalia romance (which, of course, did not exist in the Iliad). It was a longing to see the past. I want to go to Europe. I want to walk the streets of Pompei and Herculaneum, watch the sun burn the skies while standing in one of the arches of the mosque at Cordoba. I want to see cities dead and gone, like Troy, or Ur and find the stories that were lost. I want to see how the people lived, what they felt and thought. I want to find the places of myth - Atlantis, El Dorado - just to marvel at the tales of the places.
My mother gave me a book when I was small. It was called "Vesuvius" and it detailed a fictional life of a slave girl who lived in Herculaneum during it's last days. There were a lot of pictures and diagrams of the city, and photos of the excavations. I think that it was that book that really made me love ancient history. My sister got a book about the Trojan War in one of those silly school book sales and I remember reading that and "I, Columbus" over and over. And when I was middle school, the game I liked the most was "Journeyman Project 3: Legacy of Time" where the character explores Atlantis, El Dorado and Shangri-La. Sometimes I think I should have been an archaeologist.

I feel empty tonight, just totally void of any sort of passion, sorrow, any sort of emotion. Well, maybe I feel somewhat angry, but it's so minimal an amount that I only notice it if I really think about what I feel. This hasn't been the only time though. It's been the past couple of months actually. I look back on all my old crushes and give myself a mental smack upside the head and tell myself, "What the heck were you thinking!?" I feel like I could survive right now, very happily, never knowing another person, never having a relationship ever again. Sometimes, when I don't feel this way, I do still think about relationships and have to admit that I don't really want one. It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, it's more like I just don't see anything that catches my interest enough to know I could tolerate the person in close proximity for a long period of time.
This apathy is very annoying. First it got in the way of clothes shopping (either clothes these days are just no good, or I just don't see anything that catches my eye), and now it's spreading to my love life.

Well today was another day of..well I wouldn't term it constuctive or productive, but I got things done. I went to the library and took out a large amount of books and a couple of DVDs. Then mom and I went to the supermarket where I bought milk, raspberries, whipped cream and graham crackers among other things. Somehow, listing those together make me think they'd make a very tasty dessert together. I should try that actually.
After lunch I went to the high school to help judge the dance team tryouts. While I was waiting for school to end and the tryouts to start, I was accosted by a hall moniter that is apparently called "Little Hector." He demanded that I show him a hall pass, to which I said that I didn't have one. And then he started going for the detention slip, so I decided to mention that I wasn't actually a student, at which he looked at me with a lot of skepticism. At that point, I had to pull out my student ID and after a long inspection of it, Little Hector said, "Well congratulations, that's a good school. But you still need a visitors pass," to which I replied, "but I'm not here to visit anyone, I'm just waiting for the bell to ring, because I'm just a little early for an afterschool thing." He still didn't seem too happy, but I just let him finish yelling at me, while thinking the whole time that by the time I actually obtained the visitors pass, the bell will have already rung, making the pass entirely useless. Stupid Little Hector...
Anyways, for the tryout, there were a lot more girls this year trying out, probably the term "hip hop" made them a bit more comfortable with things. I think they'll be disappointed that it's very old hip hop, like early 90s Vanilla Ice hip hop. I heard some girls complaining that some of the moves were "so ooooold!" It was fun though, especially having more of a selection this year. There were a few girls that were, as usual, very depressing to watch. Some even looked like they were in pain while they danced (which is definitely a very bad expression to try out with). There were a few I thought could do well that the other judges thought weren't very good. I'm not sure what to say to that, though I suppose they would know better since one has her own dance team and the other one was a former Rockette. I recognized one girl from a violin camp I went to, but she ended up dropping out halfway through the tryouts.
I felt something that I hadn't felt in a long time when walking around in the high school today. It was this tense anxiety that made my eyes dart every which way. It seems that the high school comes with this feeling I have, a questioning of what people thought of me. I don't know why I feel this way in high school especially when I am so comfortable in college. No one other than a few friends and teachers recognize me in the high school so I should think I would feel more comfortable in the high school in a sort of anonymity, peerless so to speak. It's odd...