Good morning ladies and gentlemen! This is your captain with no name speaking and I'm here to rock your world - not really, but that song's been in my head all week.
This is day four of my neverending day. It has only been lightly sprinkled with naps - I have totaled 6 hours since Tuesday morning, and have skipped about 4 meals (not counting breakfast because that I never eat) all for the sake of academics. Right now I feel abnormally wide awake probably due to the whopping three hours of sleep that I just accidentally got. So what has Angela been up to this week? Well at 11 pm, I walked out of studio feeling dubious about my hastily completed project which I have to go in and hang up in an hour. It's a very good project, but I'm afraid only the Maya is up to presentation quality. The reason behind all this is that I've had quite a bit to do. I think that I could have turned out an astounding presentation withe time to spare had I 1) not had physics homework due Tuesday, 2) not had a drawing portfolio that needed four more drawings due Thursday, 3) not had two papers due for my English class due today (I'm finishing up my second one now, thank god), 4) not had Dancer's symposium rehearsals on Monday and Tuesday from 6 till midnight, 5) not had a violin recital on Thursday that I had to practice for on Tuesday. So um..yes, it's been a long long day which will not end until around midnight tonight. I fully intend to be passed out cold on my bed by then in a fit of sheer exhaustion, only to be rudely awakened by my alarm clock at 11 am so that I can get to my violin lesson tomorrow at noon. I had hoped to at least get a little nap in tomorrow, but it looks impossible, as we're in crits tomorrow from 10:30 am till 4:30 pm followed directly with Dancer Symposium curtain call at 5:00. I am finding all this mildly unfair.
I have come to several realizations though, in the past week. 1) Prioritizing one's time is particularly important and one must keep in mind that that is all one can do at the moment - it just can't be helped. 2) I am, in fact, an attractive person - not one that men flock towards or follow with their eyes, but still, attractive. 3) The best way to feel awake is to not really sleep for 4 days (I'll let you know tonight if 5 days is even better. 4) Stage fright is non-existant when I dance, unless my costume comes apart while dancing. 5) Stage fright is non-existant when playing violin as long as I don't look at the audience. 6) My studio work is very well made with rigorous detail, but sadly, is unimaginative. 7) Sunrise no longer bothers me and I haven't noticed the darkest hour before dawn so much lately.

I really should be working right now, but I feel like I deserve a break. I wrote about half of each of my interp papers last night. Today, I am going to finish all of my drawings for drawing class and build my model. If I'm not tired tonight, I'll just stick it out and draw my underlays. Hopefully I'll finish everything in time...
Prioritizing time can really be stressful - you tell yourself there's nothing you can do, you have to finish this one thing first, before you can get to anything else, but somehow, your brain keeps nagging at you about everything else anyway...like right now...I have to draw...

Rachel is back! My roomie is alive! She was missing since Monday morning so I was quite worried until her mother stopped by yesterday to pick things up. Apparently she had appendicitis (ouch) and was in the hospital. I find it ironic that she had an infection in her appendix and while I got an infection in my urinary tract - I wonder if I would rather have the feeling of excruciating pain over the feeling of constantly needing to go use the ladies room. Both seem particularly cumbersome - practically collapsing from pain? or running to the rest room every half hour. But things are better now for the both of us - she has no more appendix and I am on antibiotics, and all is well with the world.

Ahh Carnival weekend. It was fun - I got to catch up on a lot of things that I haven't done in a long time (Deus Ex, how I have missed thee).
I went to dinner with my guyfriends from the dungeon on Saturday. I hadn't realized until I walked down that it had been quite a while - perhaps 2 weeks? since I had visited. Dinner was fun, listening to the guys argue and me being the only girl there was pretty cool. I just find it so amusing when one of them goes, "Shut up, stupid. There's a lady present!" Me? Lady? Perish the thought.
One thing that made me a bit sad was this: in the booth, I sat at a spot where I could very clearly see the booth next to us, which was also filled with guys. At one point, a long legged girl with really short shorts and a really tight shirt whisked on by, busily chatting on her cell phone. What happens? All the guys, the ones in my booth and the ones next door, turned their heads and ogled her. While it's amusing to see this primitive side of man in action, it's a little sad to think that I'll never get that sort of reaction. In any case, this struck up a conversation where a friend informed me in all seriousness about how guys rate girls on scales - bangability, hotness and cuteness. He said that while she is gorgeous and a 10 on hotness, she'd be sort of lower on cuteness and bangability (I suppose that this lower rating is because she seems unapproachable.).
I thought about it some more later though. Does this mean that being cute is better than being hot? I suppose that while it's nice to be glorified from a distance, sometimes it'd be nicer to have guys want to be close to you and not be afraid to say it. I think life would be lonelier if I was actually "hot."

I've come to realize just now when I was filling out my pointless survey that my happiest moments are associated with being outdoors. Happy moments:
Walking along a creek with my first crush - it was mid April, and the snow was all melted so there was a lot of water. We explored and found a waterfall, sat and talked, walked around, all in three hours. The sun was shining, but not too strongly, and there was just the slightest breeze. One of the happiest days of my life.
Walking home from high school. It's not quite a unique event, but everytime I walked home, rain or shine, I would just remember that this world is good, that nature is beautiful.
I can't remember where this moment was exactly, but I remember being somewhere very dark, and the moon was shining on water, black water. I felt content, and didn't ever want for things to change.
Niagara Falls, standing over the falls or on Table Rock, watching it, feeling the power and surity of it, seeing the colors of the mists, the lack of buildings surrounding certain parts of it. I would stay there forever if I could, after removing all the tacky casinos behind Table Rock of course.

Tis another survey! I have energy to fill out a pointless survey! YAY!
Music That...

1. Reminds me of an ex-friend:
Hmm, I’ve never actually associated music with friends before, but I guess “Hiiru no Tsuki” from Outlaw Star sort of makes me think of one person, the only true ex-friend I have.

2. Makes me cry:
“Fields of Gold” by The Police. It’s a beautiful song. If you’ve read my definition of beautiful, you’ll understand.

3. Makes me laugh:
“Clint Eastwood” by the Gorillaz. It’s like having sunshine in a bag.

4. Makes me wanna dance:
"Roxanne” from Moulin Rouge – though my idea of dancing isn’t the party dancing. This would be a great song to choreograph to. One day I shall be inspired to actually come up with something for Dancer’s Symposium.

5. Makes me wan run & jump:
"Shout” by Tears for Fears – it’s just very upbeat, as most of Tears for Fears is. It’s great to listen to them while walking around, makes me feel confident.

6. Reminds me of the one I love:
I don't love.

7. The song I wish I wrote:
“Glycerine” by Bush. Bush has a lot of good songs that I wish I wrote, the more enigmatic the better. It’s all like poetry set to music.

8. The song I want to get married to:
Marriage? Commitment? O_o Er..well, I guess if I actually “love” anyone enough for that, I would like “Pachelbel’s Canon in D major.” I wish I could come up with something more unique, but it does seem very appropriate for the occasion.

9. Reminds me of my teenaged years:
“Crash and Burn” by Savage Garden. Hey, no laughing, I like Savage Garden, I adored them in middle school, like an obsession. I was very depressed all through then and high school and it’s a hopeful song that made me feel better.

10. Song to wake up to:
“Sonne” by Rammstein. Nice and loud, sonorous. And “sonner” in French is “to ring” so it just seems all the more appropriate.

11. From my parents record collection:
“How Deep is Your Love” by the Beegees. I like music that makes me a little sad, and it has a nicer sad tone to it that a lot of disco doesn’t.

12. Song I love that I wouldn't know if not for a friend:
“Never There” by Cake. Thank you, Danny. I don’t think I’d have even heard of Cake had you not been so obsessed last semester.

13. Like the video more than the song:
“Me Against the Music” by Britney Spears. I hate Britney’s voice, I hate her music, I can’t stand her. However, that is about the best dancing I’ve seen on tv in a long while, so there.

14. Makes me think of my first crush:
O my first crush…As I say, I don’t really associate people with music, but I think I could sum up the day I met him in the song, it would be..”Until I Wake Up” by Dishwalla.

15. Makes me think of one of my favourite movies:
I don’t know what the song is called, but I like the trumpet theme from “Castle in the Sky”

16. Reminds me of the sun:
“Fields of Gold” by the Police. I know, I know, it’s a repeat, but it works. The imagery of the lyrics are perfect.

17. Reminds me of the stars:
“Tonight, tonight” by the Smashing Pumpkins.

18. Reminds me of the moon:
“Caribbean Blue” by Enya. The sound quality just makes me think of darkness and the moon shining on an ocean.

19. Reminds me of sex:
“Stitches” by Orgy. Kinky, very kinky. And Jay Gordon is hot, and he says “F***ing.”

20. Reminds me of being alone:
“Candleburn” by Dishwalla. I’ve been listening to Dishwalla a lot. The lyrics mention a shrine where candles burn, and Vineland, and my mind connects it to what Tyler Durden says in Fight Club – “In the world I see – you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forest around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.” That was the best scene in the movie and one day, I’ll read the book.

21. Reminds me of my family:
“I’m Only Happy When It Rains” by Garbage. We’re a negative family, yes we are.

22. Reminds me of home:
“The Long and Winding Road” by the Beatles. I associate home with the way I approach it, which for many years was walking down the street from the high school, enjoying the sun shining on the trees that were all along the road.

23. Song that I wouldn't mind being played in my head for the rest of my life:
I don’t think I like any song that much, but I’ve listened to Bruch’s first violin concerto enough to know that I still enjoy it after 5 years, so I suppose that will do.

24. Makes me feel really badass:
“Battle Without Honor or Humanity” from the Kill Bill Soundtrack. Very badass feeling.

I've been thinking recently about the breaking of friendships. It's sad that it happens, especially if one has known the person for a while. Perhaps I just feel forgiving today, but I think there are a few people whom I have not spoken to in a few years that I would like to say sorry to, and see if we can pick up where we left off.

Some thoughts that occurred to me recently that I would like to share:
What is beauty? Of course people always say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but why is it that nearly everyone would look at old photos of Katherine Hepburn or Greta Garbo and say, “She’s beautiful.” What is it that makes them beautiful and not merely pretty or cute? I look at those photos and I think that they look elegant and they look sad. Could beauty be defined as elegance and sadness?
Fatalism – no matter what we do, our end cannot change. Is that truly the way things are? I would rather not think so, and am troubled by those who do. It would imply that there was some sort of greater force that has preordained everything that will happen. I’m not sure if I can really handle that by doing anything other than accepting what happens to me. Perhaps that’s why people find me to be such a neutral person on so many levels, because I don’t form strong opinions on what happens to me, and I try not to commit to absolutes when topics are concerning myself. Of course, the same can’t be said for my opinions on what happens to others…

I just watched a movie - not usually, I have nothing much to say about movies. "It was enjoyable" or "Did you know..." is about all I can come up with. "The Last Samurai" was definitely a movie I didn't expect much out of. First of all, Tom Cruise. Second of all, it seemed to be one of those silly movies where the stupid bestial American rises above the intelligent foreigners and gains their respect. There were other reasons, but my mind is just racing from the thrill of watching this movie. I have to admit, I actually broke into a sweat many times during this movie, and a little teary eyed towards the end. Mostly the battle scenes - the director was very good at making them exciting. I don't usually like battle scenes much, or am rather indifferent to them, but it was just, wow. I think it is because of the sense of fatalism the samurai have as they go into battle. I think a particular friend of mine would have appreciated that part of this movie, even though he usually doesn't like movies.

Interesting day, today - it blended into yesterday because I didn't sleep last night. I just worked until studio, which was 4 hours long today because we were going through crits. It was nice to be in our old studio again. I was a little saddened that Lee did not make any comments - positive or negative - on my project. It worries me when my work brings out no emotions, as it should. I think I'm the only one he didn't speak to at all.
As for this evening, I feel reenergized and a little more motivated, i think.

Grab the book nearest you, turn to page 25, find line 5. Write down what it says, along with these sentences, and post it in your journal:
"to unhasp the casement. The hook was soldered into the staple,"

I never thought I would actually do this. It's almost like one of those silly quizzy things that you can post online - well, your results, that is, and tell the world you belong in the 9th level of hell frozen for all eternity.

It was a lovely weekend, this weekend, despite the fact that I got sick and my palms are purple and bruised from pushing wood slats into place. My lovely bench is nearly finished - all I need to do now is dissassemble it again, so a final sanding, final varnish and gluing, and it'll be all set. I got many compliments on it, even from the professors. As for being sick, I ended up falling asleep last night instead of doing my interp paper and had to churn out 4 pages of crap within an hour, but the teacher isn't too mad. I would like to have something better though, but I'm having trouble working up the motivation to do anything constructive. And the fever is gone and the snuffles are minimal now. There's just this terrible cough that feels like it's ripping my chest apart.
I have been reviewing my love life - a life which is still severely lacking. I have come across several men in my stay here at CMU who have caught my attention. However, many a time, I have been rejected with "I like you as a friend." In practically all of these cases, I have come to realize that I'm quite all right with that, and am actually glad they rejected me, as I look back and think, "God, why was I interested in him like that?" I think though, that eventually I would like a guy who looked at me before he would look at the pretty girl everyone generally wants and goes, "I want Angela, and no one else."

Why me? Why do I have to get sick now? Of all times, couldn't it be in the beginning of the semester when there's nothing due? But no, I just happen to have a nice toasty fever now when I have a 7 page paper due on Monday and a double or nothing major deadline for woodshop...Well, I must get back to work. Let me just say that sanding wood is very difficult when one is sick, the arms are all shaky so it's hard to get a steady hand.

Aye, so many good things happening this evening, though I know I shall pay for it tomorrow. I spent a good eight hours just hanging out with one of my newfound friends. We watched a movie which he enjoyed - which makes me very happy, seeing that he doesn't particularly care for most movies. I'm currently listening to a CD he made me, filled with very lovely music and ambient noises. And I followed that up with several lovely AIM conversations. I am in a good mood. I really should sleep, though.
O but before I do, I must mention that yet again, my studio professors were very satisfied with my work. Now all I have to do is finish my woodshop project on time and all will be bliss in the world of Angela.