So the things that are making me not bored are really doing just that. Making me not bored. However, I forgot one crucial detail in making myself not bored. I have to be completely happy with myself.
Unfortunately I'm not (the being lonely part really, and that o so wonderful feeling of inadequacy). So I just watched one of the movies I rented - Bend it Like Beckham. A wonderful movie that I laughed through. Then after the movie I started wondering if there was anything that I could do really well. And to tell the truth, I can't do any one thing really really well. I'm like my father, where I'm really good at many sorts of things, but I lack the conviction to really apply myself to one thing and become really good at it. Sadly, I think I also inherited that tendency from him. But this strays from the point where I really feel crappy that I can't do any one thing really well. I don't really want to be good at soccer, or really any sport (I hate sports, no offense sports lovers, but if you ask me about Women's college basketball I can tell you loads - Daddy's influence yet again). I also don't think I want to be really good at the violin. It's just...too passive a sort of skill. I want to be an amazing dancer, or some sort of movie star (except many of them aren't too great, personality-wise). I'm ranting I can tell. I just, there's this feeling of desperation and anger in me. Why can't I be noticed? Why am I always the one in the background? For once I would like to be the one people gape at in awe of because I'm a spectacular person with an amazing talent. God, I'd settle for something as stupid and ephemeral as being the prettiest girl in the room.
I'm being an idiot. I'm going to shut up now and try to get some sleep.
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Musholm Bugt Feriecenter, Denmark
because nothing ever happens
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Musholm Bugt Feriecenter, Denmark
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6 comments:
You should try being very good at Zen meditation. :) I'm being serious.
It is not something most people can do, and at the same time, it'll eventually make you comfortable enough with being who you are that you won't feel the need for others to attend to you just because you exhibit some distinguishing quality. After much practice, you should come to see that we value special qualities with such emphasis for really no reason (other than that we've evolutionarily evolved to do so). Furthermore, it'll significantly help you attain successes in other areas of your life, as you'll be able to approach tasks in other areas of your life without a head that's suffering from confusion and feelings of inadequacy, and you'll be able to look upon these successes and smile a bit. (Zen is full of paradoxes)
I haven't personally had this experience with Zen (since it was in the past too difficult for me to actually practice). My opinions, however, are strongly supported by cognitive psychology.
And again, I'm telling you, you've got to see Antz. :)
And that I think of it, I'd rather be skilled in many ways than super good at one activity.
Being super good in one area gets the attention of strangers who will likely only misunderstand you or at best superficially understand you. They'll like you for your talent instead of for who you are in a broad sense.
Ideally, I'd be super good at all activities. But that's not reasonable. Regardless of who you are, because of the extent of dedication of others towards the mastery of certain skills, everyone has to spend a considerable amount of time to be super good at any activity. In the process you necessarily end-up spending less time developing yourself in many other directions.
One reason Marx didn't like Capitalism is that it turns humans, with all their broad potentialities, into bankers, machine shop workers, farmers, etc. The society becomes compartmentalized, and people cannot relate well to each other as fellow humans. They are more inclined to define themselves by their occupation and class than by their humanness. Additionally, the banker will miss out on what it's like to work with his hands or herd cattle on a horse. Marx imagined a society in which people could work many jobs.
Capitalism creates for us a culture in which it's thought to be ideal to be highly skilled in one area (how many part-time jobs are there for computer scientists or architects?). I don't know if Marx's notion of a society in which people are able to work many different jobs is reasonably actualizable. Either way, I think the example does say a little something about how the desire to be really good in one direction is created in us by cultural norms.
[clears throat]
So, given that you're still just a sophomore in college... don't worry about it. If you're already really good at something, then you're locked into a career path because that's what people will be expecting you to do. Like the prodigy soprano who now can't follow her dream to become an airline pilot because she's under social pressure to sing.
[long and rambling but ultimately useless discussion about how Marxism philosophy is a load of bunk snipped]
I'll go against the tide: marxism and capitalism and what-have-you-model really doesn't have anything to do with this. It's entirely personal. You might be pleasantly surprised, though, to see yourself from somebody else's perspective, because you undervalue yourself greatly. Everybody finds their niche eventually, though it's not always tied to fame, and I'd say "a watched pot never boils", but then I'd be a hypocrite for drawing like a maniac this summer ;) Just find the drive to beat inertia, that's the game.
Though I feel it's a little weird to get into a dialogue about whose understanding of Angela's delimma is the most accurate... I'll clarify and emphasize some of what I've said, in relation to what else has been said.
First, to the person who I understand to be equating "Marxism philosophy" with "bunk," have you taken a course on Marx or read anything by Marx other than Manifesto? Communism being not reasonably implementable doesn't mean that Marx didn't have highly useful insights into the nature of Capitalism and the human condition in general. Furthermore, unless you've read a fair amount from Marx's early, middle, and late works, you cannot reasonably claim to understand Marxian philosophy.
On the question of whether or not a Marxian analysis of Capitalism has anything to do with this, I'll point out that my example was of one factor which would go towards creating a society in which being highly talented in one direction would be viewed as ideal. So what? Well, I really don't think that Angela would have such a strong desire to be especially good in a particular direction if it weren't true that by being so she would attract people's attention.
"Why can't I be noticed? Why am I always the one in the background? For once I would like to be the one people gape at in awe of because I'm a spectacular person with an amazing talent. God, I'd settle for something as stupid and ephemeral as being the prettiest girl in the room."
It sounds to me like her delimma is just as much a social as a personal issue. It was amazing to me to see how much more comfortable I became with myself after I left the environment of my high school. If our society loved people who were good (yet not super good) at many things over those who are super good at one thing, then I don't think Angela would have any dilemma. However, for some reason, our society isn't like this on average, and it's being super good at one thing which attracts most people's attention to you.
I believe that everything we do (unless the activity is done directly for the sake of becoming permanently non-social) has some goal-oriented, social motivation behind it. So I don't believe that for those of us who have not made our life goal the separation from the human community there exists such a thing as an exclusively personal matter. All personal matters are also social matters. They are personal in that they are to ultimately dealt with within the individual.
I think when I was faced with the dilemma of "Do I do math/science or philosophy/psychology?" I was really pulled to do math/science, because if you're male and of above average intelligence, then you're implicitly (if not explicitly) encouraged to do some kind of scientific or engineering discipline. Now I find myself doing my fair share of both and enjoying both. So my advice is to do what you like and trust that people will still appreciate you. And know that there are some people out there, like myself, who do actually hold a greater value on being good in many areas than on being super good in one area.
That whole construction is kind of moot since I never equated Marxism with bunk.
--M
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