Chinese? Me?

I was looking around online and found a list called, "88 Ways to Know if You're Chinese." Just for kicks, I'm going to bold the ones that apply, though for this, I'll think of things as if I'm still with the parentals.

1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and
reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50%
off.
3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and
store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has
moved out.
4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
9. You have never used your dishwasher.
10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
15. You always leave your shoes at the door.
16. You have a piano in your living room.
17. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.
18. You iron your own shirts.
19. You play a musical instrument.
20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your
mouth).
21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
22. You hate to waste food
a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they?re going to
throw away the leftovers on the table, you?ll finish them.
b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or
one leftover chicken wing.
23. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used
but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
25. You've eaten a red bean popsicle.
26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you
visit people's homes.
27. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take
every time you stay in a hotel.
28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or
come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take
out or go to McDonald?s.
29. Ditto paper napkins.
30. You never order room service.
31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and
travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)...These travel
snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and
beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID).
32. You own a rice cooker.
33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That?s why
you need the vinyl tablecloth).
35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges
that their guests just brought just to be courteous.
36. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or
law.
39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys
surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they
prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live
in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same
neighborhood. (It's entirely possible...)
41. You don't use measuring cups.
42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
44. Your parents house is always cold.
45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
46. You reuse teabags.
47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don?t write
anymore.
48. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman if
you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
49. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since
calling Information costs 50 cents.
50. You don't tip more than 10% at a restaurant, and if you do, you
tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
51. You're a wok user.
52. You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
53. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.
54. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions
a. You love Chinese Martial Arts films.
b. Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.
55. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon.
56. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
57. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it
means they're fresh.
58. You never call your parents just to say hi.
59. You always cook too much. 60. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if
you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
61. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to
come home.
62. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get
sick.
63. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or
baked goods because they produce hot air.
64. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only
sit 10 feet apart.
65. Your parents never go to the movies.
66. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
67. You use a face cloth.
68. Your parents use a clothes line.
69. You're always late.
70. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the
last piece of food on the table.
71. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.
72. You've joined a CD club at least once.
73. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or
electronics.
74. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
75. Your parents are never happy with your grades.
76. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never
going to use them again.
77. You keep used batteries.
78. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
79. You keep most of your money in a savings account.
80. You own an MJ set and possibly have a room set up in the
basement.
81. You know what MJ means.
82. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.
83. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
84. You say "whie" when answering your cell phone.
85. You are familiar with the term "aiee yah...".
86. You know what moon cakes are. 87. You know why this list consists of only 88 reasons.
88. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese
friends.

Mmmm

I've come to the conclusion that my favorite photos do not consist of people. They do not consist of buildings. Nor clothing. I love photos of food, lunch on a tray, etc., nicely done in relatively un-gross lighting. I like photos of airplane food, cafeteria food, etc. But not just a close-up shot of a candy bar or anything. It needs to be a nice complete meal all put together in an obvious, organized manner - drink, main entree, side dish, dessert. Maybe this means that more than anything in the world, I love food?

Social Commentary

A few days ago, a fellow named Alvarez decided to kill himself. At the last second, he chickened out and instead, left his jeep in the middle of some train tracks, derailed three trains, injuring 150 people and killing 11.
And now they want to give him the death sentence. Call me crazy, but wasn't this whole situation caused because he was looking for death? Wouldn't it be better to twist that final decision of choosing life by giving him life in prison? I think it'd be much more fitting to lock that idiot into a sterile, round little room, devoid of any sharp objects so he can't kill himself. That is, he won't be able to kill himself unless his drug withdrawel drove him into such a frenzied state that he might claw his own eyes out and perhaps bleed to death. Or perhaps he'll grow desperate enough that he'd be willing to go in such an undignified manner as attempting to drown himself on the only pool of standing water that might be in the room - the little hole in the corner where he would be doing his business (I remember reading about an inmate who tried that once and failed, ew).
Maybe I'm a heartless witch. Maybe I should say that his life was just messed up by drugs, a shrill wife who probably turned life into one big, warped and shrill hyperbole. Maybe he just needs some loving. Maybe he just needs some help.
I have to admit that in some part of me, I believe that that's the case - no man should ever have to suffer forever. But really, would all eleven families forgive him for what he's done?
Either way, the death sentence, especially in this instance, is most assuredly inappropriate.

Triumph

Today, studio was victory. All day, Lubetz kept stating that I was one of the quiet ones who never talked. Over and over. I told him, yes, I do. I talk plenty. I by no means keep opinions to myself. He said, yes, I'm plenty talkative, but never in class when it counts. I told him he was wrong and sat there in studio, most unhappily, listlessly listening to everyone discuss our presentation for the month. At the end of studio, we finally got around to doing what I want to do. We start looking at a couple of the projects. That's when I start talking, and I give a bit of advice, some of which Mr. Smug agrees with. And as he was leaving, he turned around and said, Angela, I owe you an apology. I said you didn't talk and you talked plenty today. I gave a pert little reply of, See? I told you. And then I thought to myself, so there! Hah!
Now all I have to do is get people to notice there's a sign outside the door to the apartment that says there is to be no smoking within 20 feet of the building...

Random Constructivism

This weekend was somewhat productive. I did my homework, that was interesting. It was also very very easy. One example:
Utility = sqrt(A*O), if A=20 and O=20, what's the utility? Umm, fifth grade math, much?
Other than that, I've been working on designing an online portfolio. It seems to be going a lot better than I had thought. The teacher liked the archival of my last semesters' final project to ask for another copy so I guess I don't have to fix it up anymore. As for all of first year's project, I have to photograph what I can, and see what can be done. I'm trying to get an internship in Manhattan this summer. I think it'd be a great learning experience, like a little trial in the big, big city. On the other hand, I'd be far, far away from my Benny-bean. Winter break already got me really depressed about being away from him, I don't know what three whole months will feel...
We spent all day today together. We just enjoyed each others' presence, watched some movies - it was nice, I even did my homework while he was watching the movie. I told him that there was something nice about just being together, not necessarily explicitly to interact, but just to enjoy being around each other. I've seen a lot of couples in this school act that way, but since Ben is so far away, I haven't actually ever enjoyed something like that. I still have to get him to watch Cowboy Bebop, he's proving to be very slippery about that. I tried to entice him towards it today by mentioning that Spike Spiegel uses Jeet Kun Do. I don't know if he heard though.
On the last note, we found a lot of bins filled with movies that were less than $10. I got Quills... ^_^

Moo

Ben came over tonight. Amidst enlightening conversation we fell asleep for a couple hours on my bed. It was nice. I really liked it. Too bad we couldn't really stay that way...
Anyhoo, I was on the verge of disappointment seeing that I was most likely only in one dance yet again, after only getting one scene in Spirit Fashion show, but I just got a lovely email that notified me that I am in not one, but TWO dances this semester. This means I really need to get down to scrubbing my shoes or I'll have nothing to dance in.
I had dance class today. We finally did more than just the warmup routine. I felt kind of stupid though, that I was fumbling all over the place. I just don't really like having someone dancing directly in front of me because that throws off my concentration... I like the class, but it's ultimately kind of frustrating...

Funness

I just had a most wonderful weekend filled with time spent with Benny-bean. We both had today off from class, so I've sseen him everyday since Friday. On Friday, we went to see "Shaun of the Dead." It started off a bit slow, but after a little while, it really picked up and I found that it was hilarious. Ben's review is, "It wasn't bad, but British humor's really not my thing."
Saturday, I went with Rachel and Evan to the furniture house of god, also known as Ikea (O yes, and Evan's house is AMAZING, it's thoroughly convinced me that I should not live on campus anymore - anyone looking for a roomie?) At 7, Ben picked me up, at which point I prompty remembered I forgot to go to dance class. Being that I probably will never remember it, I dropped the class today. We went back to his place, and we watched "the Butterfly Effect."
On Sunday, it snowed a lot, but I had my dance audition to go to. Did pretty good, I think. But then, I always think I did pretty good. Anyhoo, I danced my heart out, and then left early to be picked up by my dearest, and we went back to his place, watched a documentary on the DaVinci Code and watched "Terminator 3." Slow start, I nodded off a bit, but then I think some big noise woke me up and I stayed awake through the rest of it.
Today we went to Joann's Fabrics where I bought about $20 worth of canvas and things to sew it with, Home Depot where I bought $7 worth of wire cable, and then the hardware store where Ben works, and he got me some really super duper discounted fasteners for the cable. We got a super duper nice pizza from Vocelli's made by Ben's friend, Matt, and we ended the day by going together to the Giant Eagles by the highway and I bought around $50 worth of groceries. Mmmm, groceries. We both had a lot of fun with that.
All in all, an almost perfect weekend. Only downside is that I now have a urinary tract infection...again...

Flood

Hullo, everyone. Long time no see. I'm now back at CMU, but sadly, not back in my apartment. Upon my return, I found out, much to be disgruntlement (and that's an understatement) that there was a sewage backup in my apartment and the toilet had literally spewed out everything that was in the pipes. That must have started around Friday night, as the apartment below us started complaining to housing about leaks in their ceiling on Saturday. Housing decided it wasn't anything to worry about. At least, that's what they thought until the ceiling downstairs started caving in. "Well, that's not right...," Housing people said to themselves and when they went to inspect, there was raw sewage all over my apartment. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, RAW SEWAGE. So the fellows in dingy whites did their thing and did a prelimenary cleanup of the apartments, throwing out boxes. One box in particular was next to my desk. It contained many important things, most of which I can't remember (I'll probably remember right when I need them). Some things that I do remember were a) the key to my studio (fine of $50 is being incurred), b) all startup disks for my OS (to get replacement disks, it'll cost somewhere between $80-$180), c) 8 MB Smartmedia memory card (I don't think they even sell those anymore, but a 32 MB one is around $15) among other camera paraphrenalia, d) extra wires for my comp. O yes, and my violin case is ruined ($165). O and my drawing portfolio? Ruined. Dance shoes? Gone. I don't have a place for my computer, so I have to content myself with using labs. I don't want to have to bring my stuff all the way over to Donner where the only open room they have is on the THIRD FLOOR WITH NO ELEVATOR so I'm staying with Christi in her temporary room where I sleep on the floor (not too shabby though).
You know what also annoys me? They were joking around and making fun of the whole situation while they were cleaning up apparently. Sorry, but I don't think sewage in the room where I sleep is very funny. And also, THEY WON'T COMPENSATE FOR MY LOSSES. Well, they'd better at least pay me for the things they threw out, because that was not only a loss, it was a breach of contract. Housing Services is not allowed to touch students' personal belongings. They said so themselves. Throwing out a box full of important items is touching my personal belongings. So there.
Can you tell I've been in a terrible, horrible, very bad mood lately? And I'm tired, but there's no where I can go to take a nap.

Oops

Tonight I think I did a bad thing. And I think it could very much potentially damage my life, socially. I just felt this anger tonight when I was looking at a particular something and that led me to some internet snooping/stalking. And I do believe I've just ruined something precious for my best friend...
I really should just keep my nose where it belongs...
I'm sorry...

Neurotic

Yes, yes I am. Neurotic. What does it mean? What does it all mean? I already shook an opinion out my my sister. But what does it mean?
Here, read it yourself, give me your thoughts...

In Pursuit of Something Interesting to Say:
I found this poster an... interesting read. This is also the muse of my post about bigotry.
Bigotry:
I wanted to dedicate this post to an evil in our society. I wanted to express my disdain for people who abdicate this position. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with a gift for writing. My skills are mediocre at best. I believe that everyone has a role in life. Some are seen as more important than others in our society, but I believe that all are equally important. I think men who see themselves as superior to women are wrong. They have an unfounded belief. Not only that, but they have made an ignorant judgment. I put this in the same category of people who believe that different ethnic groups are superior to others. This is groundless ignorance. However, I also believe that the emasculation of men in our society is as great an evil. Why can we not allow men to be men and women to be women? Why do we have to justify ourselves by putting others down? What ever happened to the golden rule?

Am I stupid? Why don't I understand? What's this? Someone tell me? I can't fathom how I could possibly be a "muse." Am I a muse? Is that meant to be sarcasn? What? Huh? May and I did some detective work and whittled things down to my entry called "the Monsters We Create" on August 11, 2004 and "the Holocaust of the Carrots" on...whatever day it was. Still, what is it? What does it all imply? I can't find much in the way of direct relation. It's definitely me he's referring to though, as I discovered the title was actually a link to my blog. Yes, yes, I'm definitely neurotic... And I need to brush up on my reading comprehension skills...

Me?

Once again in my life, I find that I am not exactly alone in the world. Or rather, I find that outside of my immediate group of friends, my voice is actually heard. How odd, no?
Once in a blue moon, I get the wild and zany idea to randomly type in something associated with my name or something related to it into a search engine. Today I typed in my blog title and came up with a fellow who spends much of his time reading books and online news sources or what have you, and copies these things onto his site - very intellectual sounding fellow - too bad I don't feel too much like reading tonight. And then he comments on it. And then he read my blog o so many months ago, and wrote an odd little piece about bigotry - this was all in the beginning of the semester mind you. Maybe my brain is a little bit clouded by the fact that I've been up since 6 am this morning and have a raging headache (no migraine, just headache), but I wasn't too clear about what he was trying to say. He referred to me as "an...interesting read." I guess that's my critic's review for the year, thank you very much.

P.S.

And you know what got me really riled up last night? I think Chang stole my idea for the final project. I vaguely recall looking at his work and then telling him my overriding concept. The one where the annex should be completely underground to show presence through absence. That was mine, and I have a strong suspicion that he stole it. I also have a slight suspicion that that old fart, Lubetz, thinks I stole it from Chang... And Chang got all the credit... Goddammit...

Lonely

Tonight I am stricken with a feeling of incredible loneliness. I'm also stricken with an incredible urge to lose weight and look like a super model... Damn you, Project: Runway. Why did you have to destroy my carefully contrived feeling of confidence?! And why am I not already in Pittsburgh, hugging Benny-bean?
Ah well, don't you worry, everyone, about the whole losing weight thing. The loneliness manifested itself in the form of craving, and I downed quite a few of my Milano cookies this evening, along with half a pomegranate (all the time thinking of Persephone and possibly extending the winter into god knows how many months due to the voluminous amount of seeds encompassed within that little chunk of fruit), and some of mommy's yummy sweet potato and ginger soup. Dessert soup, mind you. And it may not sound too tantalizing, but oh, you're wrong, it is the yummiest dessert soup in the world.
So yes, the loneliness and hopelessness I am currently feeling has me trolling the internet, looking for something, anything, that can confirm that I am not an ugly person, that I might be wanted somewhere, somehow, that I might be something significant to someone. Damn you, Project: Runway... Damn you, geography... Damn me and the fact that I just can't be happy with myself...

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone! Happy 2005! Did you all watch the ball drop? I certainly didn't! But then, I never do....
Chinese New Years is what it's all about, anyway...
I did go to New York today, got all my hair lopped off. About 6-7 inches worth. It's Vulcan-short now. I don't know what to think of it, except that I know it'll grow back nicely. It's the same haircut I always get, and I have to admit, I don't think I look very good with it. But like I said, it'll look great in 3 months. Hope the people of Spirit Fashion Show don't mind...
I thought about a yearly review about how things went, so here goes...
I am a lot shallower than I used to be, but a lot more comfortable with it for reasons I'm too lazy to explain
In a way, I think about things very differently from how I used to, sort of architecture-analytical organized
Definitely more comfortable with myself in social settings, probably due to Benny-bean ^_^
I was a very angry person all this semester, in class that is
I found out that people don't mind the existence of my pet peeves, and some even like me better for them (odd, no?)
I think I don't really care for the goth so much any more...I kind of like the stilettos and sexy business suit look, but it's a little expensive and not quite something I can pull off unless I drop below a hundred pounds...maybe when I'm famous...
All in all a pretty good year - my brain is definitely much more organized than it used to be
New Years Resolution:
Be more social, aka, make more friends
Umm, lose a little weight? I know, I know, you don't have to yell at me...I still wouldn't mind losing that little ring of fat around my middle...

Meme!

So I find myself yet again copying a meme. Other than that, I've been working - it's horrifyingly boring. I also miss my Benny-bean...maybe I should call him tonight....
THREE SCHOOLS YOU WENT TO:
1. King Street School
2. Broadview Middle School
3. Danbury High School
THREE FAVOURITE VACATIONS OF ALL TIME:
1. Went to Japan and China in 1997
2. Went to Florida for a music competition in 9th grade, wasn't actually a vacation, but still, it was very very awesome funness
3. Went to Las Vegas and Los Angeles in 1994
THREE THINGS IN YOUR PURSE/WALLET:
1. My credit card
2. My work identification badge
3. Gum
THREE OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS IN SCHOOL:
I'm going to count all schools, not just CMU
1. Marlen
2. Matt
3. Ben
THREE TIMES WHEN YOU WERE REALLY STRESSED:
1. Senior Year because of those terrible art portfolios that I was totally unprepared for
2. The weeks the final products for projects are due for studio
3. The day before I have to travel somewhere
THREE PLACES YOU LOVE TO SHOP:
1. Rave
2. Express/Rampage/Wet Seal (all the same to me)
3. Williams Sonoma/Pottery Barn (housewares...mmmmmmmmmmmm)
THREE PLACES YOU GO TO ON A DAILY BASIS:
1. My apartment
2. Studio
3. Umm....I suppose Entropy for my coffee....
THREE MOST VALUED POSESSIONS:
1. My panda
2. My desktop
3. My wallet and everything in there, and everything with my name on it in studio, especially my mechanical pencils (HINT HINT)
THREE THINGS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO:
1. Food with tomatoes in it
2. All things Computer-like except for the part that really makes one think
3. Feeling like I know something
THREE PLANS FOR NEXT WEEK:
1. Re-read all the fantasy novels in the house
2. Do my homework - aka archival of my final project
3. Come up with the absolutely perfect Xmas present for Benny-bean
THREE FOODS YOU ABSOLUTELY LOVE:
1. Authentic Taiwanese cuisine made by mom
2. Tuna/Egg/Potato salad
3. Japanese/Turkish curry stuff...goulash?
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Angela
2. Angie
3. Hsiao-Hsien/Hsien-Hsien
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Irenia321
2. Irenia123
3. ???
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My work ethic when I'm into a project
2. My lack of caring
3. My eyes
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My pride
2. My lack of caring
3. My total and utter lack of perception
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Chinese
2. Taiwanese
3. Possible Dutch or English mixing?! Dalliances in past generations? Naw, no luck there....
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Anything with an exo-skeleton
2. Walking home alone in the middle of the night
3. What might be...
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Underwear
2. Clothes of some sort
3. Deoderant
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Black shirt
2. Red sweats
3. Dark Green Socks, don't I match so well though?
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists (at the moment) ):
1. Muse
2. Elliott Smith
3. Sarah MacLachlan
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Muse - Unintended
2. Elliott Smith- Coast to Coast
3. Sarah MachLachlan - Fallen
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Spend an entire day completely carefree with the boyfriend
2. Wow the profs with a gorgeous, mind-blowing, perception-altering project
3. Brave the woodshop and make something beautiful and art nouveau
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Taller than me, good looking, I have really only two types of guys I lean towards - a) pale with dark eyes and hair, someone who can look refined and also can look like a bad boy with messy hair and a little stubble...mmm.... and b) tanned, blond, and screaming of Californian surfer hunk
2. Very open minded, but not self-destructive in any way
3. Someone I can bring home to the parents
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
1. I don't like pickiness.
2. I'm secretly a pagan Goddess worshipper and I dance naked in the woods with the Horned God on Beltane.
3. I like tea.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Nose
2. Jaw line
3. Body shape
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Nice body shape, long and lean is the best and something I'll never be
2. A nice face, not too much makeup, and actual eyebrows
3. Good dress sense
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. be creative
2. say the right thing
3. pick up or kill a bug with my bare hands (ICK!)
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. Surf the internet
2. Crochet blankets or do some fancy embroidery
3. Read books and wish the stories never ended
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. A world famous architect
2. A not so famous but relatively good architect married to someone who can afford to have me build the house of my dreams even when I will be making less than 40K a year
3. A teacher of all things architectural
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Western Europe
2. Japan
3. Taiwan
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Be completely and totally content for at least an hour
2. Do something that will make people remember me fondly for at least 50 years
3. Build my dream house
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR *ELSE*...
1. May
2. Marlen
3. Chappy!

Ditched?!

Rachel's thinking of leaving the apartment...:(

Everyone?!

Williams Sonoma seems to be the hotspot. "Hotspot" as in it's the place where I seem to see everyone I haven't seen in a long time. Today, I saw Meredith, my best friend from KSI. I saw Sofia, my best friend from KSP. I saw Ms. Allen, my art teacher from KSP and DHS and her Ghanan hubby, and yesterday I saw Megan, my neighbor from down the road. O yes, and I saw Colleen, May's piano buddy. Amazing, isn't it? I was quite surprised at all the people I saw. Not to mention all the people I saw over the summer. Absolutely amazing. I wonder, if I kept working there, would I eventually see all the significant people from my past?

Working in the Witching Hour

In the spirit of the holiday season, all of Santa's little elves are working extra hard. Past their bedtimes in fact. Into the witching hour, in fact. I happen to be on of Santa's little elves this year, a cooking elf in fact. Yes, I know, I've been demoted from the position of head elf that I had in the first grade. I'm a much more useful elf now though, as I used to be an ice cream elf, and while ice cream is most tasty, it's not really in demand during the holiday season.
In any case, to help you all understand the wierdness I just spouted, I've been working in the wonderful world of William Sonoma since 6 pm today, and I just got out of work not even 20 minutes ago. My poor tail bone was only slightly annoying to me today - basically it kills me to sit down, but I find that if I shift my weight to one side, I'm fine. It seems to be getting better, thank goodness. I also realized that a day working in Williams Sonoma without horrid Marsha is a wonderful working day. I helped lots and lots of people, sold a nice fellow a Cuisinart 12 cup coffee maker along with an extra thermal carafe. I sold a lady 10 brushes, 6 mugs and a tin of peppermint hot cocoa. All in all things were good, even if we got out of work quite a bit later than we were supposed to. Daddy was most unhappy, but I think he forgives me, as long as I don't make a habit of it. Being that I will only be working for three more days, I don't think there will be too much of a problem.
Saddest part of my day is that I went online after pouring myself a glass of juice only to find out I missed my Benny-bean by two minutes. *Snuffle....:(

Tail Bone Twist

Hullo, folks. I'm now back up in the northlands, also known as Danbury. I started out for the airport at the customary "three-hours in advance" fashion and realized that for long holidays like this one, airport traffic isn't all that bad. In fact, security check, which usually takes an hour, took me five minutes. This left me with a jolly two hours in the Sky Mall, where I perused shops and bought only one thing (Congratulate me, its an amazing feat, it really is). I was randomly trying on the various bras at Victoria's Secrets (I still very much want that long night shirt for $24.50, but I never really work up the courage to buy it...hint hint) and the strangest thing happened. I sneezed and felt a pop and sharp pain, but it was in my tailbone. And now I can't really sit down. I can sort of ease into a half sitting position, so that means I have to lean to one side. Anyway, you can sort of guess what that meant for the plane ride. It was a long plane ride for me...And there was a girl sitting behind me who was most annoying. She was busy complaining about the sad sad state of her rich girl life when the stewardess asked her to properly stow her belongings, as per regulations and as the stewardess walked away, she started shrilly bitching into her cell phone at a high word velocity about how stupid and ugly the stewardess was. I glanced back a few times to see what this monstrous girl looked like and she shot me a "mind your own business, hag" glare, so I decided eyes forward was a good habit to take on. As the plane started taking off, the usual announcement that cell phones and pagers had to be turned off happened, only Miss Monster apparently felt that she was entitled to defy such federal regulations and kept jabbering. The stewardess came back and told her that she had to turn it off and she let out a dusgusted "ugh!" and turned off the phone - note that she didn't say goodbye to her friend... I hate girls like her...
That, compounded with my tailbone being wierd and the fact that one of my ears refused to pop made this just about the worst flight ever. My sole consolation was that I had a wonderful pillow from Ben's parents. Mmm, sleeping with head phones on...

Happy

Not only have I handed things in, I've gotten a B for my studio grade! Thank god... Teacher mentioned in the meeting that I seemed to be very angry all semester long - great observation, I'd say. Anyhoo, I'm going to skip merrily along with my B, and if I get my anticipated grades for my other classes, I'll be making Dean's List. Also, I got the schedule I wanted for next semester - here's the rundown:

MWF 11:30-12:30 Economics

MTWF 12:30-1:30 Elementary Japanese II

MWF 1:30-4:30 Studio
MW 5:30-7 Non-Major Dance
TR 9-10:30 Structures I
TR 10:30-12 Materials and Assembly (carpentry and masonry, here I come)
Sat 3-5:30 Modern Dance

Wow, that's a lot of classes... Still, I think it'll be a lot better for me than this semester's been...

Sweet Sweet Freedom

I just finished my history paper. That means I have no more brainwork to do for the rest of the semester, other than the final exams, which I won't be studying too much for. All I have left is my two final exams, my meeting with the teacher, and a final dinner with the studio. I wish I could get that all out of the way in one go...I was talking to Ben on the phone last night and it feels like yet again, I'm mistaken as to how much free time I have. I always tell him, "O next week I'll have plenty of free time to spend with you," and always, I'm mistaken. I feel bad, I'm not too good of a girlfriend, sadly... I told him that next semester should be better, since Tuesday and Thursday are completely free in the afternoons. I hope I'm right this time. Ah well...in the meantime, I will sit on my bum and do nothing until 2 o' clock, at which time I will magically transform into a statics tutor...

Dancing

So in this latest production, the dance group I'm in looks like the cast of cabaret. I, on my own, look like a gothic prostitute. On one hand, it's kind of scary, on the other, it looks really cool. It makes me wish for just two days that I had bright red streaks in my hair. Anyhoo, it looks barely within legal limits. I saw some classmates last night after the show and greeted them with arms crossed over my barely covered chest...

Hoppy Hoppy

Hell week is basically over, for studio, that is. Now all my other classes are lining up to kick me in the butt. I have 6 pages to write for history for Friday, two drawings to do for Friday, a 5 page essay to write for Japanese in Japanese, Dancer's Symposium on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, Christmas shopping, archiving, good god when will it all stop? I thought things were supposed to be smooth sailing after hell week.
Anyhoo, I had my review yesterday - the end product turned out nicely and my review was more didactic and inconclusive, rather than opinionated. The only clear opinion I heard was from Douggy C. who heartily approved of my use of color on my perspectival drawing. Then we had our last drawing class ever last night. We had a guest artist and we looked at some of his work and he went around and suggested we do some things in our drawings. At the very end, we had a photo we were to draw this time actually drawing the colors that we see. I realized that when left to my own devices with reality waiting to be drawn, I'm quite lost. So I fiddled around a bit and groaned and moaned until Douggy said we only had one minute left. I zipped through the barest representation of the columns and the windows and shadows behind it as Douggy counted down seconds and as I was trying to cheat a little and add more, he swooshed my paper out from under my still coloring hands and showed the class what he considered "a most excellent way to draw something quickly." If only there were more for him to show, but having been the drawer of the last drawing he'll ever hold up for our class to see, I feel quite happy.
Today I overslept - I do believe I'm still in the process of recuperating from the week of architorture. Still, I only missed half of history and what I got to hear was quite amusing. Then everybody copied my homework - and by everybody, I include the ones that never ever copy because everybody copied off of them. So yes, everybody. My homework was most popular today. O yes and I had dance rehearsal today and we put on our costumes. Mine is an ultra skanky little piece that includes a red bra, a lacy black teddy/leotard thingy that reveals almost all of my back and is very low cut and the holes for the legs opens so high up that it goes up past my pants and shows my "love handles"...o yes, and my fishnet socks had holes so we cut off the toes and voila, fishnet arm warmers. I looked e'er so hooker-like and I loved it. I'm not sure why, but when dancing on stage, I have the urge to look as...erotic as possible. I guess I'm just a stage slut...look but don't touch, gentleman. I'm still a one-man-only sort of gal, and his name's Benny-Bean (teehee).

Frayed

In the past 2 days, I've slept about 3.5 hours, or rather, I've tried to sleep for 3.5 hours. Mostly I lay there in extreme discomfort. All the muscles in my arms and back are knotted up, for god sakes, the muscles in my thumb were knotted up for an hour. I've had too many cups of coffee to count and I'm crashing. I can't color between the lines, my vision goes blurry for a few minutes every couple of hours, my hands are shaking. And right now, I'm upset beyond belief.
Max cut off the tip of his finger. Not just a little bit of the tip, a lot of it. He was bleeding a lot and then Ben speared the tip on an olfa cutter to examine it. I started feeling really sick and then I really snapped. I just said, "I have to go," and I practically ran all the way back to the apartment. Then I cried, not a lot, but a bit. That's the last straw, I'm not going back to studio tonight, I don't care. I have 1.5 drawings left to do, but I don't care. I'll flip out even worse than I did just now if I go back tonight. I can't go back.

Good Day!

Yesterday was a good day. I got into my non-major dance class, I made it to all my classes on time, the day before put me in a wonderful mood, people asked me for help on homework so I felt smart and popular and needed and...stuff.... And most of all, I am now a fashion model! Woo! I got an email late last night saying that I was accepted as a model in the Spirit fashion show! Yippee!
Sadly, Ben didn't kill a Bambi after sitting around all yesterday, so he has to go out again on Saturday....I guess I won't really get to see him...

Gusher

Yes, this one's going to be a big gusher.
First, I went back to the high school and visited lots of teachers. I didn't get to see one - gym teachers are always so hard to track. It sort of saddens me, but a lot of the teachers I visited are retiring soon. I'd say in ten years, there will be no one to visit.... Well, maybe Strevie and Vas will still be around, they're still young. Marlen didn't show up, but that's okay because we went for post-Thanksgiving shopping together. Mostly I dragged her around, but I think we had bunches of fun.
I spent Thanksgiving weekend inundated with cousin happiness. On Thanksgiving day, we had 20 people in the house. My family, my second cousins, my cousins from Flushing, a cousin from Tokyo, and all the family on my daddy's side, minus Grammy whose on the other side of the world basking in the freezing tropics. We had a very Chinese Thanksgiving with yams the Chinese way, and duck instead of turkey, and the ham was roasted Chinese style. Only one thing was truly not Chinese - Sylvia's ultra delicious 3-cheese casserole, of which I had much. Oishi-desu! We ended the day playing Mafia, and poor Jon kept getting lynched by us. Oops...
Next day was ultra shopping and I bought a wonderful present for someone, but I'm not saying who it's for or what it is for fear of ruining the surprise. I bought myself a new pair of pants and got some nice Cream colored sweaters to go with it. Now that I think of it, I haven't worn anything cream colored in public in a very long time... Then Saturday, I went and did all of my homework, and cousin Maiko helped me with Japanese - I'll bet my teacher will be stumped as to where I picked up my snazzy new grammar (Jyuugyou wa, ikutsu arimasuka?)
This morning I got up at the bright and early hour of 6:30 am, and dad drove me to the airport. I got to trudge my bag by a bitchy mother (boy did I want to flick her off, and if she yelled at me about ruining her children, I'd loved to have said, "o no, ma'am, you've already ruined them yourself.") When I got off the plane, I went in search of Ben. I wandered around a couple minutes and then spotted him wandering the baggage claim and I attempted to sneak up behind him but he turned around right when I was about to give a surprise hug. O poo. Then Ben and his parents (his mom was there to show him how to get to the airport, his dad was there because he likes looking at airplanes ^_^ ) drove me back to his place. Then they brought out the Christmas tree. Pretty lights and almost all the ornaments are hand made, stuff from when Ben and his brothers were little. And they had stockings! It's a very american Christmas in their household. Then, around 2, Ben and I went the mall to get something to eat (Wendy's chicken nuggets are pretty good), but not before Ben's mom handed me an index card with instructions to put things on there that I might like for Christmas. Wow, no? So we walked around the mall till 5:30 looking at all the stores - everything's really expensive.... We took a break at one point and stuffed ourselves into one of those quarter rides for little kids, we both fit into a tiny helicopter, not at the same time and it was very crammed in there, but still, we amazingly fit. I put a few things on my list, but I felt that everything in the mall is annoyingly expensive, even the lip gloss. I put some white shiny lip gloss on, and my lips looked so huge they were about to fall off. Ben got some on himself and it was quite funny - o my metrosexual boyfriend...not really... After that, we went back to his place and I had dinner with him and his parents! Steak, baked potato and salad - wow was I full, but the food was yummy, and I didn't want to be impolite and leave food on my plate. But mostly, it was very yummy... And now I'm home, and so is Rachel. Today was a Good day!

Scary things

I was playing "Thief: The Dark Project" just now with my sister. It's very scary, just about as scary as the first time I played it. I don't really mind getting killed or killing people in that game, but when there's zombies or big lizards, things get Really creepy. And call me crazy, but the whole time I was playing I was thinking that I missed Ben...even though it's only been a couple days since I've seen him.
God, that game scares the heck out of me. Why do I torture myself like that...?

Katamari

I haven't really been online much lately. It's because I've become absolutely addicted to Katamari Damasy - it's a very odd game that must have been created when someone was high...All you do is roll up things into balls and they get made into stars and constellations. I finished today by rolling the MOON! It was amazingly, wondrously ginormous! AMAZINGLY SO!! Ah hem...anyway...

Hockey, Cider and Whales...

It bewilders me how some people can be obsessive over stupid things like sports statistics. LOTS of sports statistics and useless information like when athletes' children are born. If sports enthusiasts were to take all the energy they direct towards these things and turn it towards something useful - say, physics, we'd already have cold fusion and hydrogen powered hover crafts.
But I digress. Life seems pretty easy now that we're back from New York. In less than a week, I will be home in good old CT, and visiting my teachers of yore, and giving Marlen her birthday present. The professor seems to think we're going to be insanely busy in the coming weeks to work towards the final project, but I feel oddly very relaxed. I got my requirements done today and Professor was most pleased with my section, so much that he clapped his hands thus alerting the entire studio as to my previous inadequacy.
Inadequacy which is still running amok in regards to my drawings in, well, Drawing class. I can't draw my damn annex. Can't. Just won't work. I went over everything over and over in my sketchbook, I actually have only 10-15 pages blank left in there, isn't that amazing? Still, I compared to everyone else's and mine was severely disappointing and lacking. I discussed it with the teacher later and he was relieved to hear that it was only disappointing because of my extreme frustration at not being able to construct an accurate representation. Dumb annex...
O and I noticed that lately, I've been feeling very jittery. I'd be sitting in class and be overcome with very strong emotions of hysteria. I've mentioned it before, but it's been pretty consistent now. In drawing class today, I had a strong urge to tear off my pants (probably because they were constricting my legs and making me uncomfortable) and scream and kick things. I kept visualizing myself doing a 180 degree fan kick like Kayan does on Battle Arena Toshinden and breaking the uncomfortable looking oak chair sitting empty next to me because Max, lucky guy, snuck out of class.
O and I've been making myself hot apple cider - most delicious, I'm offically addicted.
And I found my favorite scarf and gloves, well now those gloves are only second favorite - I really like the new suede and wool ones I bought it NY.
O and I registered for classes today - hopefully I can get into that dance class I wanted, the teacher apparently only allows certain people in, and I had to send him a list of my dance experience (twice - obviously he wasn't paying attention) and I have to check out his class on Monday. Keeping my fingers crossed - don't feel like turning into a whale...

New York, New York

This weekend I went to New York. I love New York. It was cold and windy and rainy, but I still love New York. I also love how Pittsburgh is about ten degrees warmer.
I stayed at the Chelsea International Youth Hostel. It's a good experience, I think. It's a different sort of environment from hotels in that we're literally only provided with a bed, clean sheets, a thin blanket, a locker and a bathroom. The entire building shared a shower and a toilet, and the sinks were in the rooms in a corner. That's the first time I've seen the toilet have its very own room since I've been in Japan. Sadly, unlike Japan, there's no sink on the top of the toilet, so it's a little disgusting. Also, our neighbors didn't really have a sense of cleanliness so the floor got particularly disgusting after only two days of staying there. I had to borrow my roomie's flip flops a lot. Still, it was a lot of fun - I think I'd like to back pack across Europe sometime and stay in hostels there, somehow I get the feeling that European back packers are more considerate of public toilets. But then, who knows.
We went to a lot of galleries and museums and stores designed by famous architects. Some of it was interesting. Is it bad that none of them impressed me greatly? Though I do like Donald Judd's furniture design. I didn't particularly care for his art, but his application of it is brilliant.
Happily, people really enjoyed the places I picked, my professor was like a three year old when we went into Dylan's Candy Bar. He bought a little box of mints for his wife. I didn't buy candy but it was so freezing outside that I bought a cafe au lait. O and on Saturday night, I bought my first ever Starbucks product - Caramel Apple Cider - and I enjoyed it most thoroughly. I've had cravings for more of it - maybe I'll drag Ben to the starbucks with me so I can buy some..hmmm...
O yes and I bought my bestest buddy an excellent birthday present. I'd been getting worried about what to get her, but when I saw it, I thought, "Perfect!" So, Marlen, you can look forward to a beautiful cadeau when you and my daddy pick me up from the airport in less than 10 days.
O, and my one roomie seems to have partially moved out of the apartment this weekend...Disharmony in the apartment makes me kind of sad...

Hysterical

I've been feeling very upset today, just little things will set me off - well, in my head. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I've been going to bed at 7:30 am every night since Sunday. I'll finally get a decent night's sleep tonight.
This morning I managed to get to class on time thanks to Christi, however I was so tired that my brain couldn't process anything, and my speech was kind of slurred. I think the teacher noticed that and probably the slack jawed stare I had on my face and asked me when I went to bed and told me to get some sleep.
I had hoped that I would get a chance to take a nap today, but it took me three hours to do one drawing. I think on a completely energized day, I could get that done in an hour, but the processing time today for my brain (yes, I'm thinking of my brain almost like a computer now) was extremely slow. At least the review went well and the teachers said that I had a very strong project that just needs simplification. That means things can only get easier.
But yes, easily upset today. Easily alarmed, strong mix of emotions that include the need to cry, the need to rage at everything and everyone, etc. I do believe it's hysteria. Maybe I really need to sleep. But I also really want to hang out with Ben...O the dilemma.
O and my sister said in her blog that she has a hard lump on the underside of her jaw. That made me really upset for a few minutes...I really hope it's just an infected lymph node...

Survey!

Bold The Things You've Done
01. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
02. I see a therapist
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am drawn to things associated with sadness.
05. I love my gauged earrings.
06. I wear black eyeliner every day.
07. I am extremely influenced by kindness.
08. I love to write, even though I think I suck at it.
09. I can't live without lipgloss.
10. I'm probably emotionally scarred.
11. I lived in Tahoe.
12. I spend money I have.
13. I'll be in college for over 4 years.
14. I love designer handbags.
15. I've had a concussion before.
16. I'm not good with confrontation.
17. I loved the Backstreet Boys.
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories.
19. I'm addicted to Degrassi.
20. I'm spiritual, but not religious.
21. My first kiss was unexpected.
22. I start school on Jan 4th or 5th.
23. I love taking pictures.
24. I hate girls.
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. When I allow myself to get close to people, I get very attached.
27. I am bisexual.
28. I have way too many pairs of shoes.
29. I've seen She's All That at least 50 times.
30. I dress how I feel that day.
31. I love Charmed.
32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
33. I hate when people are ridiculously late.
34. I procrastinate.
35. Winter is my favorite season.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
37. I love to sleep.
38. I wish I were smarter.
39. I believe that it is wrong to be gay.
40. I have a lot of drama.
41. No one really knows me.
42. I love my hair.
43. I sometimes fight with my parents.
44. I am passionate about my interests.
45. I have had the chicken pox.
46. I'm a hopeless romantic.
47. I feel empty sometimes.
48. I am/was clinically depressed at a point in my life.
49. I am addicted to coffee.
50. I am very outgoing.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday...or at least one of them
52. I can be very insecure.
53. I don't notice it, but I'm told I'm very softspoken.
54. I hate ignorant people. (I think only when they're ignorant AND arrogant)
55. I love my laptop.
56. I love guys that play the guitar. (along with other things)
57. I state the obvious.
58. I'm a happy person.
59. I'm extremely mellow...at times
60. I contemplate suicide.
61. I hate cleaning my room.
62. I tend to get jealous.
63. I like to play video games.
64. I love John Mayer.
65. I get more upset when I see an animal hurt than a person.
66. I'm a vegetarian/vegan/don't eat beef.
67. I don't like to study for tests.
68. I am too forgiving.
70. I have a good sense of direction.
71. I love school. (what the?!)
72. I've played a musical instrument for more than 5 years.
73. I tend to feel inadequate.
74. I love kisses on the forehead.
75. I love the color blue.
76. I sew.
77. I am addicted to drugs.
78. I wear contacts.
79. President Bush is a complete and utter moron.
80. I become stressed easily.
81. I don't take criticism well.
82. Conformity is stupid.
83. Chris Carrabba is one of the suckiest men alive.
84. So is Conor from Bright Eyes.
85. I love my family.
86. I don't mind getting shots.
87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
89. I can be too hard on myself.
90. I don't like my nose.
91. I am very religious.
92. I still act like a little kid.
93. I am ridiculously indecisive.
94. I believe in a higher power or some form of an afterlife.
95. I love music.
96. I'm in love.
97. I have problems letting go of people.
98. I tend to think with my heart more than my head.
99. I don't really like ice cream.
100. I can't live without books.
101. If my house burned down, I'd try to save my cats.
102. I hate the town I live in.
103. I hate wearing my hair loose.
104. I only dance when I'm drunk.
105. I still sleep with my old stuffed toys.
106. I spend more time alone than with other people, and I like it that way.
107. I love angst
108. I've written for twelve hours straight.
109. I hate things emo and angsty
110. I'm addicted to an online RPG. (WAS)
111. I have had a cavity.
112. I believe letting go sometimes is the best thing to do
113. I can't live without my headphones
114. I like kissing the same sex more than the opposite
115. I have had to wittness a divorce
116. I fight for what i think is right
117. I'm related to someone famous
118. I like spooning better than making out
119. I've had over 10 boyfriends
120. i've known my best friend for over 4 years.

Captain Spectacular's Balls

Bush won. Whatever. I don't particularly mind. I'm sorry. I'm a bad young person I guess.
Anyhoo, I went to a children's museum opening last night. It was pretty fun. It made me feel like my childhood was really deprived because I had nothing like that place when I was small. I had...books...and...a jump rope...o wait, I broke my jump rope. I had books. Well, anyway, to continue, I look at my baby cousin, Ling, and she has tons of toys, dollies a toy kitchen. I never had a toy kitchen. I had a toy frying pan and a toy fried egg and that was about it. She had fricken toy croissants...On one hand that sort of sucks, on the other, my imagination as a child was ever so much better than Ling's. I'll bet it never occurred to her that a hula hoop could be a pretend bathtub. Hah!
Well, at the museum there were people doing performances - I suppose they were all people who would be performing regularly at the little theater. One was a juggler, very impressive. Then came Captain Spectacular, or Galactica or Scholactica, whatever it is. He and his sidekick goggles decided to put on a show. Captain Spectacular was impressively decked out in a silver body suit with metallic diapers over it. His show consisted of playing with balls. I thought that was very amusing in my mind, and he and goggles should really keep their day job.
I also met one of the freshmen archis yesterday - "Call me Cookie," he said. Wow, I don't even call my boyfriend cookie, but okay. He's one of the three openly homosexual males in the freshmen class. I recalled a conversation some of the second years were having a while back about how there aren't any homosexuals in our class, and now that I think of it, it's true. All the other years have at least one gay person, we have zero. How odd. O well.
I have to go back to my work now - I'm designing an museum annex for Rachel Whiteread - I've got a really cool idea and I think it will look awesome as soon as I've figured out the logistics. I think I'll do that tonight and put it all together tomorrow - I've decided I don't like being in studio at night.

Storms and Confidence

There's a huge thunderstorm going on right now. It started right when I was leaving studio, and I was very glad I had my big umbrella with me. While I was walking back to the apartment, I spent a lot of time just feeling the wind and hearing the thunder, and watching the rain, and there was a lot of it, flow over the ground. When I got back to the apartment, I stood outside for a few minutes and just looked up at the sky and watched the lightning fork across the sky. Have you ever watched a thunderstorm? I don't think I really have ever looked at the sky during one. I'm usually inside and I see the light through the curtains, but all I see is generalized flashes. It was glorious, a very beautiful experience. I wish I had a camera, one that was fast enough. O well... Isn't it funny that now I'm finished with my weatherman project that I'm taking the time to observe a storm? But then, I don't recall any really big storms that happened during it. There was one right before we started, and now there's one right after. Stupid storm and its faulty timing.
After class I was talking to my professor. Our midsemester meeting was, in my opinion, unsatisfactory in its vagueness. While we were talking about whether or not I'm on the right track, the issue of confidence came up. I realized that I have extremely low self confidence. Well, not entirely. In relation to social situations, I'm pretty confident that I'm an attractive person and that people don't think I'm that horrible of a person. In academic situations or things that require my personal knowledge, I have terrible confidence. I think this is what my professors last year were talking about. I don't trust myself to do things "correctly" even when there's no right answer, and the fear I have of making mistakes is handicapping me to a point where I can't develop a project. What's worse, when I think about it, my confidence is at a point where I don't even trust my hearing. When I ask people over and over to repeat something, it's not that I can't actually hear. It's more like I don't believe I could be correct in what I heard so I need to double or triple check.
I wonder how my confidence has deteriorated to that level... A lot of the things I do now are sort of low of effort because I think I can't it right, so why bother. I really need to try to fix that but I don't know how...

Jacket

Is this week cursed for me? First my pencil and now my gorgeous Triple 5 Soul Combat Bomber Jacket is ruined! The zipper broke. I have no idea why, but it worked fine all day and around 9, when I went to go zip it up, the slider wouldn't budge. I can't zip it up anymore! Why me?! I'm going to have to call the store I got it from tomorrow and see if they have any suggestions.

Pencil

Everyone has to have a pet peeve. My pet peeve deals with pencils. I like to keep my pencils in perfect working order, unblemished, all parts intact, eraser pristinely unused. Boy does it annoy me when someone borrows a pencil and returns it with half an eraser missing, a piece broken off or just chewed up. It's even worse when you lend a pencil and the person loses it. Yes, that's what happened to me today. I lent my pencil to someone, the perfect pencil, the one I've been using since seventh grade. Now it's gone. They don't even make those pencils anymore. Mechanical pencils these days are either horrifically ugly or they're so cheapo that they die on you within a month of purchase. I grow very attached to my pencils. I don't want an ugly one, I don't want a "replaceable" one. I want my navy blue Papermate Tri-Grip .05 mm lead mechanical pencil back. For that matter, I want my hunter green one and my cranberry red one back too. But that's not going to happen. What happened to those, you ask. Exactly. I was nice. I lent it to someone. And now they're gone. That was my last one. Did I already mention they don't make those anymore? Well they do, but now they're bright pink, or translucent. What the heck do they think they're doing? They've taken a great pencil and ruined it. I miss my pencil. I want my pencil...Has anyone seen my pencil?

Complaints

So who was yet again one of the only ones with statics homework finished before sunup? Of course, me. I had it finished on Sunday night in fact. And daddy thinks that having a boyfriend makes me inattentive to class... What makes me really mad was a classmate of mine today was loudly commenting that I don't write large enough and I don't show every single little step of work. I don't see why she should be worried about that. I didn't put my homework the way it is for her convenience - I did it for the TA's inconvenience. I don't see why she should complain about how I have the occasional wrong answer - like I said, it's my homework. The only reason for her to ever be vindictive is if she did all her homework on her own, just like I did and got the right answers. Except that the reason she was around was because she was copying everyone else's answers.
Anyway, enough complaining.
Well, no, I lied. I have to complain about studio. Maybe it's just because of the C+ I have in class right now, but I really despise my studio. I hate the projects, I hate what the teachers do to the projects to kill any and all initial enthusiasm I have. I was really excited to be starting a new project, I was. And then they said something along the lines of, "While you should remain conscious of the surroundings of the site, you should at the same time not pay too much attention to the surroundings." What?! What the hell is that?! It's like saying design something with the context in mind, but we won't like it if you seem to have the context implied in any way in your design. Ugh... And I've decided I hate the site, I hate the context, I hate the project, and I hate the artist I have to base my stupid artist's annex on. HATE...
So I called Ben last night to rant about things. Poor Ben has to put up with my anger. I'm sorry, Ben. He mentioned that I could try talking to my mom about this stuff, and now that I think of it, I never really talk to my parents about school troubles... Fascinating...

Phone and Fish

I just finished another four-hour phone conversation with Ben. Amazing how we can talk for that long, and I'll bet we could have talked even longer if we weren't so tired. It was great, we talked about religion, different customs, yet again about my family and daddy's disapproval (but my grades aren't dropping, daddy, I got a 94% in statics!) Ben told me a bit about what he was thinking on our first date and everything, it was very sweet, happy me is. Yup.
Today was quite busy. I woke up at noon, on the dot - funny how I manage to do that - I did that all summer too, just like clockwork, the moment those two hands lined up on the clock, my eyes would snap open. Creepy, sort of. I mooched around a bit and around 1:30 when I finally decided to go and brush my teeth and change, Rachel got up and checked on me in the bathroom to make sure I wasn't busy worshipping the porcelain god. We were out drinking last night, you see. Yes, I drank. But I just had wine coolers after that first beer tasted so bad that I nearly puked. I hate the taste of beer. Wine coolers on the other hand are YUM. So I like fruity soda, so sue me. It amuses me that after one beer the floor begins to sway. And after two more wine coolers, things get uber dippy. I didn't get all bubbly and giggly like I did last time though, how sad. Anyway, everyone woke up and we had pancakes a la Rachel, very delicious. And then I grabbed my camera and went out to do my homework. First I went to the art store and bought more conte (bistre or brun, just for Douggy C.) and then I got my mail and found out that in a couple weeks, IRON CHEF MORIMOTO is coming to CMU!! I need to get a free ticket and watch the master at work! And then I went to studio and realized I forgot my key, so I climbed out the window in the studio next to me, crouched down low on the ledge and crawled over into my studio window, (can't stand and walk or someone will start yelling, "Don't do it, miss! You have every reason to live!) and grabbed my drawing board. I'm getting really good at that, by the way. And then I went and crawled out another window, this time over the Maragaret Morrison rotunda and took photos as a patrol car rolled past. After seeing that, I scooched back into Maggie Mo and headed for the exit, hoping that the police person wouldn't come looking for me. Then I went to some of the sites and happened upon Hannah and Waz and we went photo shooting together, and then grocery shopping too. They bought lots of instant foods and frozen foods. I got a lot of raw materials. Can you imagine, I've managed to survive all semester without eating a single frozen dinner. That means I'm pretty good about cooking, no? And I haven't eaten out all that often either. Anyway, I made one of my mommy's fish casseroles and it turned out exactly like mommy's, I'm surprised it came out so well. I devoured about a third of it already. Must moderate or will become fat...

Eternal Sunshine

I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It made me sad. Not like a wistful sad, well, not the usual wistful that I usually feel when a movie makes me sad. It wasn't depressing either. It just has me in a very melancholy sort of mood. I very much like the quote from Eloisa to Abelard in Alexander Pope's poem, "How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd." O yes and the other quote that Kirsten Dunst said - this one's from Nietzsche - "Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders. "
Good movie. I think the moment that got me the most was the one little tear Joel had as he was trying to wake up and they sedated him again. Sound sad now? It's even sadder in context.

Sorta Psychic

Yesterday I was a guinea pig. Yes, a guinea pig. I saw a sign that said, "Make $10 in half an hour" and I thought "Why not," so I signed up to be a guinea pig in a psychology experiment. It was actually quite fun and not strenuous at all, and I walked away with $10 and a mini-stapler. As for how I did, I can't tell you for another few days because the experiment's still going on, but lets just say that currently I feel like I'm either a really good guesser or just somewhat psychic.

Celebrity Circus

Yes, it's that time of year again - election time that is. Today and tomorrow are going to be insanely hectic on campus. One of my usual shortcut routes has been effectively blocked by a giant porta-stadium. Who's going to be using the stadium, you ask? Well, today at 6, John Kerry is going to be giving one of his routine stump speeches, and his presentation will be punctuated by appearances from famous people like Jon Bon Jovi and Ted Danson. Lovely. And tomorrow, Condie Rice is coming on over to give a lecture. Our studio professor sent us an email last night that strictly forbade us to skip classes in order to go ogle at the spectacle. I doubt I'd be all that interested anyway. I might like to run on by just to catch a glimpse of the famous people so I could brag to someone eventually, ten years down the road, but I don't think I'd be willing to skip class for all of that. Ted Danson's pretty awesome though...
As I was running to class this morning, I noticed the porta-stadium was bounded by five porta-potties. I wonder if they expect the presidential candidate of the democratic party, or even those famous celebrities, to use those. Somehow I doubt it. I doubt they'd even use the oddly shaped maze of stalls that make up the first floor toilets in the CFA. They probably have a special marble toilet in a trailer somewhere hidden away. How odd of me to think of that. Hmm, I think I won't get to see any of them, since I have a class at 6:30 and the speeches start at 6. O well, this will be the second time I missed seeing Ted Danson. At least I got to see John Edwards.
So why has Angela been so elusive for the past few days? It's because Angela has been spending all week finishing her mid-semester presentation. It took forever and was underappreciated in all of seven minutes. Not that I particularly care. I wasn't overly attached to it anyway. And yet, at the same time, I'm severely disappointed in my craft and have the urge to make something perfect and beautiful in woodshop. I think I'll stop by there after studio today and have a chat with the shop monitor about making a chessboard. Or maybe I should start on my wire ornithopter...Anyone know how to bend wire into a subtle but exact curve?
O and I have no classes on Friday so I'm completely free after 4:30 on Thursday. That means shopping with my Benny-Bean! (Yup, that'll be my blog nickname for you, my dear. Sappy, isn't it? I told Rachel and she made a noise that was somewhere between amusement and totally wierded out - I took that as a sign of it being just perfect. Perhaps I'll come up with something more inventive later...)
O and I forgot to mention that Michael Moore has rescheduled and is coming to CMU some time soon...insane!

Snugglebug in the Sugarbowl

Yes, I'm getting sappier by the moment, but that's because Ben always calls me such cute sorts of things. While typing the title just now, I remember at Ben's brother's wedding, we were sitting at a table smooching and his cousin walked by and said, "O, you two go get a room!" I thought it was hilarious - Cindy's a funny lady.
Anyhoo, I've been quite sick lately, but I'm starting to feel better again. Last night I felt so well that I just kept working on my project in studio, right up until 4:30 am - and then I went back to my room and worked on my Japanese homework till 6 am, when I finally realized my brain was just too tired to concentrate, so I napped for a couple hours, finished that up, went to class, turned it in, and here I am. My site model's huge, I have to store it on it's side or no one can walk through the door, and when I'm completely done with it, it's going to take at least two people to bring it to crits - I hope it will fit through the door...I should check on that really quickly when I go back to studio in an hour...Still, staying up was a bad idea, I couldn't concentrate at all in Japanese...
On another interesting note, when I went back to my room for some dinner, that was around 10 last night, I checked my email and I was facebook-friended by a girl who was my best friend in elementary school. She has changed quite a bit from the way she was the last time I saw her - which was at the end of eighth grade. She's now playing in a band called Five Feet Deep (or was it Five Feet Under...no, I doubt that...) that consists of her and two boys and all of them are shorter than I am. Okay, well the tallest is my height...But anyway, since I myself am not considered a paragon of vertical bounty, I have to say, that's impressive. Life seems to have improved for her since I last saw her.
It made me wonder also, about middle school. If I had looked into the future then, could I have known that six years from then, she'd be studying psychology and playing in a band, or that I'd be an art student that has to also study physics? Looking back, I can see that the pschology and the music were quite logical for her - she always listened to interesting music and could pick out tunes on the piano with no difficiulty, as for the psychology, I think she mentioned that sometime... As for me, I always knew that I'd be an architect, but I didn't really know what "architect" implied. I always thought I'd make pretty houses like the ones in Architectural Digest, or be a fashion designer, or even a computer engineer like my daddy. I never figured I'd spike my hair whenever I have chance though, nor did I think I'd ever go anywhere other than Harvard. It's amazing how different life turns out in the end.

Sick, but not too much now

So it turns out I was right, I am quite sick. The past couple of days were just pklain miserable. I didn't have a voice, my throat hurt all day, I am pretty positive I was more than a little feverish. What made me really depressed was that I had no real time to rest up. All Monday was spent in class - I went to campus at 9:30 am on Monday and told the teacher I was unable to take the quix because it involved talking and I had no voice. I'll be making that up after studio today. After that, I went to studio and didn't leave until 5 o' clock, but then I had to walk all the way back at 6:30 for drawing class until 9, when I finally got back to the room, and I could finally do some homework, and study for the exam on the next day. And study I did, till 3 am. Skept badly, because my throat hurt so much. Yesterday was much the same, only last night, I had the bright idea of taking Nyquil before bed - sleeping was most wondrous - I only woke up once because I started coughing, and I went back to sleep dreaming dreams of drinking lots and lots of tea and ice water. No wonder my throat couldn't feel better, it was all in my head... I feel much better today though, I walked to class with a voice, lost it for a bit, hacked up a bunch of phlegm much to the disgruntlement of my neighbors who seemed to be scooching farther and farther away from me, the contagious one. At least I can talk, and I'm not feeling feverish. Now I must get back to that neverending thing called Studio.

Apple Blossom Candy Bar

Yes, that is one of my new nicknames from Ben. This weekend we went to his brother, Brandon's, wedding. I was a little worried - no dress to wear, slight case of tonsillitis, the fact that I didn't really know anyone other than Ben and his parents. Fortunately for me, my tonsils feel better, the skirt that I stole from May was "just perfect," and I made lots of new friends - a.k.a. Ben's cousins. I was supposed to sit with Ben's parents at the reception, but when I decided I wanted to eat, no one was at the table. It was the main table, for parents of the married couple and they all had to go around and meet and greet, so Ben's cousins "kidnapped" me over to their table. We all talked a lot and I had a rum and coke (those taste nasty...) and later on I had vodka with cranberry and pineapple juice. Surprisingly yummy. The dinner itself was very, very yummy. Chicken marsala was ..well, if I was all alone at home, I'd eat at least five pieces of chicken, but it was a wedding so I moderated and left a teeny bit of food on my plate (sigh). I kept looking back at Ben - he had to sit at a special table because he was part of the wedding party. He looked quite miserable, or maybe I just thought he looked miserable because he wasn't with me. He later told me the champagne made his stomach hurt. I don't blame him, that stuff's too bubbly. He kept disappearing on me every ten minutes and would always reappear with either a new mug of beer or the fresh scent of tobacco. I forgive him for the tabacco this time around, wedding being a special occasion and all. There was lots of dancing and lots of chatting - mostly with Ben's aunts and his cousins Doug and Jess, and Doug's girlfriend, Chrissy. Dancing was interesting...I could handle the slow dancing but when the beat was fast, Ben was kind of jerking me around everywhere...in sneakers, I'd keep up - in high heels...no...Healthwise I was fine most of the night - towards 10:30 I started coughing and I sent Ben in search of hot tea. He couldn't find any, but he did find more beer. Ah well. Things were nice, and then Ben's other cousin that I didn't really talk to - Kevin, made him chug a couple mugs of beer - first one was fine, second I could tell he was not feeling well. His dad drove us to his home after that and as he left to go back to the party, Ben's dad said, "Hon, I'm pretty sure he's trashed." Yes, he was. So I helped poor old Ben out of his nice shirt and his nice pants and helped pull off his nice socks and he fell asleep in his underwear with his glasses on. I kind of just left them on and went to brush my teeth - hopped into bed and was just about to fall asleep when he rolled on top of me, literally on top of me and lay there for a few seconds. And then he rolled completely off the bed and dashed out the door. "What's going on?" I ask Bo, his boxer puppy who was sitting next to the bed. She looks up at me questioningly and starts begging me to play with her. So I ignore her as she obviously wasn't going to even worry about Ben and I wandered out into the hall and he's in the next room over. He didn't want me to tell anyone this part, but I think it's funny and it's not as bad as he thinks it is - he had stuck his head into a box of cat litter and was tossing up all the alcohol he had chugged. I then picked him up and dragged him into the bathroom in case he wanted to puke some more - he just dry heaved into the sink a bit and rinsed out his mouth, and then ambled back onto the bed. So then I went back to sleep too. Woke up in the morning to see that he'd already let out the dog, cleaned up his puke and brushed his teeth. So I got up, did my cleaning bit and we went down and had breakfast with the family. Bacon and eggs and apple cider - good god that was the best breakfast I've had since...forever. And then Ben dropped me off and while kissing me goodbye, dubbed me his yummy "Apple Blossom Candy Bar." I sound yummy, don't I?

Nooooooo

Who's got tonsillitis? I do! I do! Hopefully it'll get better and I won't have to do anything drastic.

Sick

I think I'm slightly sick. Not sick sick, with fevers and the whole bit. My throat feels funny - not sore though, or phlegmy. I took a Nyquil gelcap thingy and ended up being an hour late to my statics class, not that the teacher minded. He was very easy going, and said that just as long as I do well on the tests, he's fine with that. Thank goodness.
Anyhoo, this is why I'm sick. We had a big history test this morning. I managed to procrastinate with the Sims 2 all week so I didn't actually get to start studying till around 11 o' clock last night. I studied till 2, dozed off on the couch, which is next to the air conditioner, and I woke up with a slight head cold. Whoops.
I had myself some soup, and warm foods, and tea. I don't quite know what's up though, somehow, I am starting to doubt it's sickness. I think it might be allergies. Lately when I go to studio, I get all snuffly, but when I'm back at my apartment, I feel perfectly fine. Maybe the allergies are starting to affect my throat - maybe that's it, it's difficult to swallow sometimes because my throat feels a lot tighter than it usually is. Well, I hope it's just allergies, and I hope it doesn't get any worse.
O, and to make my week that much worse, I went to dance on Tuesday, and the room that we use is officially a multi-purpose room. By multi-purpose, I mean that people eat in there, so there were teeny-tiny little ants crawling everywhere. I thought I'd gotten away from them unscathed but after taking a shower I started to get extremely, horribly itchy on my leg, my bum and my back. To make things worse, I was scratching at these bites in my sleep, and my nails being the diamond claws they are, cut into my skin and I have these horrible long gashes on my calf and the middle of my back...
So that's pretty cruddy. On the bright side, I'm going with Ben to his brother, Brandon's wedding. I don't have a dress, so I'm going to try to get Ben to take me to the mall to find one. Can you believe Ben and I have been together for about a month now? Time really flies...

Sleep

There's nothing like a big bowl of sesame noodles and a tall glass of coconut juice after a long day in crit reviews. I got home last night at around 10:30, gave Ben a call, made myself dinner and afterwards, decided I didn't feel like dragging myself back across campus. I notice I've been doing that a lot more this semester, where I don't work so much at night, and rather, opt to go to bed early and then work through the three hour break I get between Japanese class and studio. I think that perhaps this is a healthier way to do things. I think if I just skipped playing computer games, I could manage a good eight or nine hours of sleep a night. That would ruin my reputation as an archie, though. It is in our unspoken creed that we get no more than six hours maximum a night. Ah well, I guess I'll just downgrade to an engineer's lifestyle.

Strip

O glorious weekend! Why must you come to a close? On Friday night after class, I dragged myself to the Japanese movie festival. Why? Well, I had basically flunked a quiz that morning because I studied the wrong material for class (whoops) and I decided to make it up by getting the two points extra credit that comes with attending the Japanese movie festival. I trudged out of the room feeling very dour and anticipating boredom and extreme discomfort as I did with the last Japanese movie I watched, "Hotel Hibiscus." Imagine my surprise when "Twilight Samurai" turned out to be one of the Best movies Ever! I teared up quite a few times while watching it. Thankfully the ending was quite cathartic so I was able to look up when I walked out of McConomy. Yes, just a bit of advertising - if you haven't seen "Twilight Samurai," go watch! Anyhoo, to continue, after the movie, I was supposed to go to the architecture first year party. However, I felt melancholy after the movie so I decided to stay in for the night. Ben came over and we watched "the Cable Guy." It was an okay movie, very odd...
Anyhoo, the next morning, I got up and mooched around the apartment, did the dishes (again). Then I went out with good buddy Mike. First we went to lunch at Panera, and then we went to look for the salsa lessons we were supposed to go to. He mixed up the dates, sadly, but on the other hand, we got to go to the Strip District! We went into practically all the Asian markets and I stocked up on Chinese yummies. And then we went to a lot of specialty stores - pottery, cookware, metal-smithing, etc. I think we took a bit too long overall, Mike didn't get to go to his Greek market for his stuffed grape leaves (sowwy!) After that, Mike dropped me off at home and I lazed around the house a bit. Ben came by around 8 and we went to the Robinson Mall - larger than Danbury Mall, but much more confusingly laid out, and we shopped around. We perused Victoria's Secret just for kicks, and toyed with the idea of getting me a lacy g-string number. Except I'd probably only wear it once in my life, and it cost $30. I was looking at a lovely seamless bra, exactly the kind I've been searching endlessly for, also $30. I thought about buying it and Ben said that sadly he didn't have that much cash on him. I did, but I decided I didn't want it, and I gave Ben a kiss because he wanted to buy me something. He's so sweet... We went back to his place and watched "The Ring." Good god that movie is horrifyingly scary. Ben fell asleep while we watched it so he wasn't mentally there to keep me company. I just clung onto his inert body throughout the whole movie, occasionally using his shirt to hide my face, and I kind of cried on his shirt a bit, I was that scared (apparently Rachel cried a bit from fear too, so I'm not all that wierd - vivid imagination, she said - I think I'll use that excuse as well). By the time the movie was over, Ben was so tired, I just stayed the night with him (he has a Very comfy bed.) Woke up in the morning, very cold morning, and came down to a house full of Ben's family. I saw his mom and dad, as usual, and also one of his grandmas and his brother who is getting hitched this weekend. I do believe I'm going to the wedding with Ben. I think I have to find a dress... O yes, and I heard Mr. Gahring yelling on the phone with his mother - she's got dementia and that upsets him. I don't blame him.
So then I got back to the apartment, which was empty. I kept imagining creepy Samara from "The Ring" waiting for me somewhere, ready to scare me to death, literally. It was a very disturbing day. Then Rachel and Evan came back, and Christi, too, minutes after. And all was happy in my land. O yes, and I took the time to cook today. My repertoire has yet again expanded - this time, to include sesame noodles and "rice wine egg noodles." Yay!

Edwards

Today I saw John Edwards. Not the guy who talks to dead people, the hopeful candidate for vice-presidential fellow. I stood outside of the gym looking in, and, ironically, had a better view of him than most of the people that actually paid to get in. Sure the words were a little muffled, but he was still pretty clear. He made a lot of non-commital answers, typical. I was standing next to a nice looking fellow who I don't know, and really, still don't know. We had a nice discussion about politics and who we would vote for. I, myself, have not yet registered to vote. Mostly because I don't want to be affiliated with a political party. Also, I don't know who I'd vote for. Bush is bad, very bad. I don't know if Kerry is any better though. One of their campaign slogans is "Beat Bush! Vote Kerry!" That just says that Bush is terrible, which he is, but it says nothing about Kerry. And do we really want "A stronger America?" Perhaps I won't vote...or maybe I'll just register and vote for someone like Nader. Mystery man said that most likely he's going to vote Bush because he doesn't trust Kerry - too many flip flops. It was quite interesting, anyhow.
And then I went back to my room, in a relatively good mood, and improved it by making a smashingly good batch of eggs and tomatoes. This means my cooking repertoire has yet again expanded. I can make a complete Chinese meal now. I can now make that, beef and bell pepper, potatoes and onions, grilled cheese sandwiches, moro and of course, scrambled eggs (O and Rachel said that she really likes moro! Woo!). My next step towards culinary mastery is tofu. I just have to find time to go down to the Strip District to get some of the good kind.

Glass Port-a-potty

Today was surprisingly not too painful. We had quarter reviews today and Kai was sitting in on reviews. I thought he'd rip me apart about my unprofessionalism. Imagine my surprise when he seemed not only ok with what I had to present, but also enthusiastic. Things I need to think of are how to make things more architectural - aka all I have is a roof. My professsor suggested glass cube like things, and gave an example of a glass port-a-potty with trellises for privacy. Wierd, no? In any case, I have to now think on how I'm going to make things like portable rooms and justify it. It's a sad but true fact that architecture is largely being very good at BSing your way through things. I BSed an explanation for my engineering friend and he was utterly convinced. I think I'm getting very good BS. Yay.

Tipsy

Hi, I'm drunk...No I'm not, I'm just tipsy. For your information, I've never drank before. Well I have drunk before, but never as much, or as little..I don't know. All I had was a beer and a half inch of gin, which, by the way, tastes disgusting - like dirt. I think Rachel and Evan were either really amused or really worried or both. I'm actually having trouble typing. But I feel so much better right now in my mind than I have in a very long time. My stomach on the other hand feels terrible and I have a very strong urge to brush my teeth. Cigars, by the way, taste so terrible. Bitter, very bitter. Yuengling and dry gin, yucky, both yucky. All very yucky. I'm going to go brush my teeth, and lie down. Wait, can't lie down, stomach feels terrible...Still drunk is good, Evan says I'm the funnest drunk ever. I laugh at everything, I think the mech e. major I was sitting next to on the couch was kind of happy I was there. We played a photo game where I had to guess the famous person on the photo, except I couldn't remember a lot of the names, like Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins, I'm positive I could remember if I hadn't drank. Janis Joplin on the other hand, how could I possbily remember her? Anyway, I think I shall go brush my teeth and possibly make myself throw up. I definitely have to sleep though, I'm so sleepy...

Smouldering Malcontent

Today was even worse. My dull anger is now quite a bit more. I had a nice morning, did well in Japanese class, though I was a bit late. Did pretty well at the audition for Dancer Light, I suppose. But then I get into studio and I end up waiting till the very end of class, even after class, for a crit, and the professor completely misinterprets everything I'm trying to say. He's not even listening to what I'm saying and just refuting the small point that he believed to be incorrect and decided then rejected all my other ideas and criticized me about the lack of them before even giving me a chance to tell him the rest of what I did. I was quite angry actually, and I believe I actually stormed out of the studio. Yes, I'm pretty pissed.
And then when I get back to the room, I get a nice little Email from Kai, head professor, stating that I didnt' sign in on time and that meant that I was either late, absent or just plain irresponsible. I was actually early, and I didn't sign in because he usually left the sheet up till after the lecture. If I knew he was going to deviate from his habit like that I would have signed in the moment I got there. But no, he decided that I was a bad student. You know what? Maybe I am a bad student. I know for sure that right now I'm definitely an angry student and I'm pretty pissed at a lot of people. I feel like throwing things, breaking things, all sorts of manners of physical violence right now. Whatever.k

Dull Anger

I've been feeling angry lately. Angry at a lot of things. I don't think I realized how angry I've been feeling until my back muscles decided to knot up on me last night. What am I angry at? I'm angry at a lot of things, but not a fiery passion of rage angry, just an underlying tone of discontent in my mind, a little angry at this person, a little angry at that person - all adding up into frustration and a strong feeling of wanting to cry on Ben's shoulder without him trying to talk me into feeling better.
Who am I mad at? Well, I'm mad at dad for being so snobbish about a person that he hasn't ever met and being so pessimistic my priorities. Since when did I ever appear to want to quit school and have babies? When have I let emotions totally cloud my judgement?
I am mad at Zach, just now, for speaking so rudely to me, and apparently, thinking so badly of me. Lately he has been treating me like I'm some sort of lazy person, just because I made a few mistakes on my homework. Sometimes I just get things wrong. What makes me so lazy? I finished my work before everybody else did so I'd have time to compare answers. Maybe I didn't get it all right, but that's largely because I didn't confer with anyone else about how to go about solving things.
I'm mad at a particular someone for being too close-minded to see why I choose not to talk to him, and for being so close minded that he retreated back into his own little world and basically cut off any chance of even letting me talk to him again.
I'm mad at another particular someone for taking so long to realize something that he should have thought of long ago. He could have saved the both of us a lot of hurt if he could have pulled himself out of his own selfish world sooner and realized that I'm not the weakling he perceived me to be.
I'm mad at a lot of people in general, and partially at myself, because I can't communicate what I think. I feel like if I only knew the right words and gestures, people would see that I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy, I'm not a thoughtless weakling that is good for nothing. I don't lack ambition and I don't have a cluttered, useless mind.
And sadly, Ben won't have time to lend me his shoulder to cry on this weekend.

Statics and CFA

Today was a busy day, I suppose. I went to class, worked on my parti model for studio instead of eating lunch and had it totally trashed during crits. Ah well, I'm not too upset about it, I have some better ideas coming anyways. I did some statics homework, pretty much all the ones that I could do without going through ones we haven't done in class yet.
I spent last night hanging out with Ben. I really like him a lot (no, no love - I won't even consider love until after at least a year of dating). He calls me his Oren-Ishii, and "honey." I like it. It's sweet, it's endearing, it's cute, it's warm and fuzzy. Well, other than the fact that Oren is a cold hearted assassin who wears red spandex and shoots peoples brains out with sniper rifles. Still, it means he thinks I'm hot, and it's nice to know I'm hot.
I spent this evening over in the neo-Donner Dungeon. It's a lot louder than Dungeon West was. I first hung out with Corey and brought brownies, then I did homework over in Kevin's room - I'm surprisingly productive when around Kevin. Hmm, maybe I should visit him more often... Then, when I was tired of that, I went to Corey and Galen's room just to hang out and talk. There room, yet again, is the place for socializing. Most likely because they have four chairs, a couch and a table in the middle of the room to sit on. I met some lovely freshmen, a very good looking one that I might have liked more if Ben were a colder boyfriend, but he's not, so sorry my freshman friend. I mentioned never having to take math or physics again so he said, "O, you're one of Those people." "What people?" "Those CFA people." "Uh, yes, yes I suppose I am."
And then I turned the tables around by promptly solving a physics homework problem he was having trouble with (take that, superior engineering major!) and he realized I was an archie and stated, "O, well, that's ok then." I don't really think other CFA people have necessarily less work to do, we're just very good at wasting time and making ourselves look busy. Oops, I just gave away the school secret....
O yes, and a person who used to be my friend has decided to no longer be my friend. Saddened I am, however, if he feels like he would be happier completely shutting off yet another person from his life, so be it.

The Sea in my Brain

Have you ever had a bad case of swimmer's ear? I got water in my ear a few days ago during a shower and spent the next day not being able to hear. The water finally decided to dribble out of my ear after over a day of doing whatever it was doing to block my inner ear. I think I would go insane if that feeling of deafness were permanent.
I've been reading a book that my teacher told me to for studio. It's called "The Control of Nature," by John McPhee. I was a bit confused by it at first, even though it was a good read. Now I think I figured out why my teacher wants me to read it. The basic ideas that I got from it are, "all of nature is interconnected - you change one thing and everything is thrown off balance," and that nature is a relentless, inexorable force that will continue to bear down on whatever is thrown into its path. The former idea calls to mind a phrase from Dinotopia, "One drop raises the sea," and it does, it really does. I wish I could apply that to my project somehow - I'll have to figure out the parti model by tonight. All I know is that Nature shall affect the structure of the house, and the structure will in turn submit to nature. However, the structure will still serve its purpose in protecting its inhabitants. I am also considering making the house small, a spire in the air. It can't be big, not just because of our project parameters, but also because man is miniscule in the eye of nature. Keeping in the thought of "eyes," I'd also like to base my house aesthetically on the concept of being in the eye of the storm. Yes, this is the sort of thing that I spend a lot of my thoughts on. Crazy, no?

Miss America

Maybe this is wierd, but I just saw a girl I went to high school with on television, striding around in a teeny little bikini. Why? Because she's a semi-finalist for the Miss America Pageant. Talk about shocker, though I'm not really all that shocked. Good luck, Christina Ellington!

Bicycles

I feel disappointed in myself. Many of the things I do lately seem to be either half-assed, or I'm just completely incompetent. I found out yesterday that the saying where one never forgets how to ride a bicycle is completely false. I may be able to balance on one foot, releve, but I can't seem to stay on a bicycle anymore.
Studio seems to be going down the drain. This year we're really delving into the abstract sort of things like partis and such. I managed to avoid those last year, but now they're coming back to bite me in the derriere. I think differently from everyone, I can't help it if that's the way things are. What I think is perfectly understandable is incomprehensible to everyone else. Or maybe I'm not seeing things with a cleared mind. In any case, I'm just not motivated in studio at all. I don't really like the open-ended-ness in the schedule this year, and our professor is supposed to be focused on teaching us how to communicate, but I found out, especially at his lecture yesterday, that he himself can't really communicate. I think I should transfer into Damiani's studio - they get way more work than any other studio, but he has a lot of structure to his teaching and that's what I need right now. Actually, I don't think that's what I want, I don't even want any professor's opinion actually. All I really want is someone who understands what we're trying to learn - and I want that someone to really listen to my ideas. I feel like my best thinking is done when I'm trying to explain it to someone in an unrushed, non-public situation. I've tried thinking into my sketchbook, and occasionally that works, but it's not quite the same. I think I need a mentor of some sort. As for studio, I'm expecting a C...