Storms and Confidence

There's a huge thunderstorm going on right now. It started right when I was leaving studio, and I was very glad I had my big umbrella with me. While I was walking back to the apartment, I spent a lot of time just feeling the wind and hearing the thunder, and watching the rain, and there was a lot of it, flow over the ground. When I got back to the apartment, I stood outside for a few minutes and just looked up at the sky and watched the lightning fork across the sky. Have you ever watched a thunderstorm? I don't think I really have ever looked at the sky during one. I'm usually inside and I see the light through the curtains, but all I see is generalized flashes. It was glorious, a very beautiful experience. I wish I had a camera, one that was fast enough. O well... Isn't it funny that now I'm finished with my weatherman project that I'm taking the time to observe a storm? But then, I don't recall any really big storms that happened during it. There was one right before we started, and now there's one right after. Stupid storm and its faulty timing.
After class I was talking to my professor. Our midsemester meeting was, in my opinion, unsatisfactory in its vagueness. While we were talking about whether or not I'm on the right track, the issue of confidence came up. I realized that I have extremely low self confidence. Well, not entirely. In relation to social situations, I'm pretty confident that I'm an attractive person and that people don't think I'm that horrible of a person. In academic situations or things that require my personal knowledge, I have terrible confidence. I think this is what my professors last year were talking about. I don't trust myself to do things "correctly" even when there's no right answer, and the fear I have of making mistakes is handicapping me to a point where I can't develop a project. What's worse, when I think about it, my confidence is at a point where I don't even trust my hearing. When I ask people over and over to repeat something, it's not that I can't actually hear. It's more like I don't believe I could be correct in what I heard so I need to double or triple check.
I wonder how my confidence has deteriorated to that level... A lot of the things I do now are sort of low of effort because I think I can't it right, so why bother. I really need to try to fix that but I don't know how...

Jacket

Is this week cursed for me? First my pencil and now my gorgeous Triple 5 Soul Combat Bomber Jacket is ruined! The zipper broke. I have no idea why, but it worked fine all day and around 9, when I went to go zip it up, the slider wouldn't budge. I can't zip it up anymore! Why me?! I'm going to have to call the store I got it from tomorrow and see if they have any suggestions.

Pencil

Everyone has to have a pet peeve. My pet peeve deals with pencils. I like to keep my pencils in perfect working order, unblemished, all parts intact, eraser pristinely unused. Boy does it annoy me when someone borrows a pencil and returns it with half an eraser missing, a piece broken off or just chewed up. It's even worse when you lend a pencil and the person loses it. Yes, that's what happened to me today. I lent my pencil to someone, the perfect pencil, the one I've been using since seventh grade. Now it's gone. They don't even make those pencils anymore. Mechanical pencils these days are either horrifically ugly or they're so cheapo that they die on you within a month of purchase. I grow very attached to my pencils. I don't want an ugly one, I don't want a "replaceable" one. I want my navy blue Papermate Tri-Grip .05 mm lead mechanical pencil back. For that matter, I want my hunter green one and my cranberry red one back too. But that's not going to happen. What happened to those, you ask. Exactly. I was nice. I lent it to someone. And now they're gone. That was my last one. Did I already mention they don't make those anymore? Well they do, but now they're bright pink, or translucent. What the heck do they think they're doing? They've taken a great pencil and ruined it. I miss my pencil. I want my pencil...Has anyone seen my pencil?

Complaints

So who was yet again one of the only ones with statics homework finished before sunup? Of course, me. I had it finished on Sunday night in fact. And daddy thinks that having a boyfriend makes me inattentive to class... What makes me really mad was a classmate of mine today was loudly commenting that I don't write large enough and I don't show every single little step of work. I don't see why she should be worried about that. I didn't put my homework the way it is for her convenience - I did it for the TA's inconvenience. I don't see why she should complain about how I have the occasional wrong answer - like I said, it's my homework. The only reason for her to ever be vindictive is if she did all her homework on her own, just like I did and got the right answers. Except that the reason she was around was because she was copying everyone else's answers.
Anyway, enough complaining.
Well, no, I lied. I have to complain about studio. Maybe it's just because of the C+ I have in class right now, but I really despise my studio. I hate the projects, I hate what the teachers do to the projects to kill any and all initial enthusiasm I have. I was really excited to be starting a new project, I was. And then they said something along the lines of, "While you should remain conscious of the surroundings of the site, you should at the same time not pay too much attention to the surroundings." What?! What the hell is that?! It's like saying design something with the context in mind, but we won't like it if you seem to have the context implied in any way in your design. Ugh... And I've decided I hate the site, I hate the context, I hate the project, and I hate the artist I have to base my stupid artist's annex on. HATE...
So I called Ben last night to rant about things. Poor Ben has to put up with my anger. I'm sorry, Ben. He mentioned that I could try talking to my mom about this stuff, and now that I think of it, I never really talk to my parents about school troubles... Fascinating...

Phone and Fish

I just finished another four-hour phone conversation with Ben. Amazing how we can talk for that long, and I'll bet we could have talked even longer if we weren't so tired. It was great, we talked about religion, different customs, yet again about my family and daddy's disapproval (but my grades aren't dropping, daddy, I got a 94% in statics!) Ben told me a bit about what he was thinking on our first date and everything, it was very sweet, happy me is. Yup.
Today was quite busy. I woke up at noon, on the dot - funny how I manage to do that - I did that all summer too, just like clockwork, the moment those two hands lined up on the clock, my eyes would snap open. Creepy, sort of. I mooched around a bit and around 1:30 when I finally decided to go and brush my teeth and change, Rachel got up and checked on me in the bathroom to make sure I wasn't busy worshipping the porcelain god. We were out drinking last night, you see. Yes, I drank. But I just had wine coolers after that first beer tasted so bad that I nearly puked. I hate the taste of beer. Wine coolers on the other hand are YUM. So I like fruity soda, so sue me. It amuses me that after one beer the floor begins to sway. And after two more wine coolers, things get uber dippy. I didn't get all bubbly and giggly like I did last time though, how sad. Anyway, everyone woke up and we had pancakes a la Rachel, very delicious. And then I grabbed my camera and went out to do my homework. First I went to the art store and bought more conte (bistre or brun, just for Douggy C.) and then I got my mail and found out that in a couple weeks, IRON CHEF MORIMOTO is coming to CMU!! I need to get a free ticket and watch the master at work! And then I went to studio and realized I forgot my key, so I climbed out the window in the studio next to me, crouched down low on the ledge and crawled over into my studio window, (can't stand and walk or someone will start yelling, "Don't do it, miss! You have every reason to live!) and grabbed my drawing board. I'm getting really good at that, by the way. And then I went and crawled out another window, this time over the Maragaret Morrison rotunda and took photos as a patrol car rolled past. After seeing that, I scooched back into Maggie Mo and headed for the exit, hoping that the police person wouldn't come looking for me. Then I went to some of the sites and happened upon Hannah and Waz and we went photo shooting together, and then grocery shopping too. They bought lots of instant foods and frozen foods. I got a lot of raw materials. Can you imagine, I've managed to survive all semester without eating a single frozen dinner. That means I'm pretty good about cooking, no? And I haven't eaten out all that often either. Anyway, I made one of my mommy's fish casseroles and it turned out exactly like mommy's, I'm surprised it came out so well. I devoured about a third of it already. Must moderate or will become fat...

Eternal Sunshine

I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It made me sad. Not like a wistful sad, well, not the usual wistful that I usually feel when a movie makes me sad. It wasn't depressing either. It just has me in a very melancholy sort of mood. I very much like the quote from Eloisa to Abelard in Alexander Pope's poem, "How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd." O yes and the other quote that Kirsten Dunst said - this one's from Nietzsche - "Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders. "
Good movie. I think the moment that got me the most was the one little tear Joel had as he was trying to wake up and they sedated him again. Sound sad now? It's even sadder in context.

Sorta Psychic

Yesterday I was a guinea pig. Yes, a guinea pig. I saw a sign that said, "Make $10 in half an hour" and I thought "Why not," so I signed up to be a guinea pig in a psychology experiment. It was actually quite fun and not strenuous at all, and I walked away with $10 and a mini-stapler. As for how I did, I can't tell you for another few days because the experiment's still going on, but lets just say that currently I feel like I'm either a really good guesser or just somewhat psychic.

Celebrity Circus

Yes, it's that time of year again - election time that is. Today and tomorrow are going to be insanely hectic on campus. One of my usual shortcut routes has been effectively blocked by a giant porta-stadium. Who's going to be using the stadium, you ask? Well, today at 6, John Kerry is going to be giving one of his routine stump speeches, and his presentation will be punctuated by appearances from famous people like Jon Bon Jovi and Ted Danson. Lovely. And tomorrow, Condie Rice is coming on over to give a lecture. Our studio professor sent us an email last night that strictly forbade us to skip classes in order to go ogle at the spectacle. I doubt I'd be all that interested anyway. I might like to run on by just to catch a glimpse of the famous people so I could brag to someone eventually, ten years down the road, but I don't think I'd be willing to skip class for all of that. Ted Danson's pretty awesome though...
As I was running to class this morning, I noticed the porta-stadium was bounded by five porta-potties. I wonder if they expect the presidential candidate of the democratic party, or even those famous celebrities, to use those. Somehow I doubt it. I doubt they'd even use the oddly shaped maze of stalls that make up the first floor toilets in the CFA. They probably have a special marble toilet in a trailer somewhere hidden away. How odd of me to think of that. Hmm, I think I won't get to see any of them, since I have a class at 6:30 and the speeches start at 6. O well, this will be the second time I missed seeing Ted Danson. At least I got to see John Edwards.
So why has Angela been so elusive for the past few days? It's because Angela has been spending all week finishing her mid-semester presentation. It took forever and was underappreciated in all of seven minutes. Not that I particularly care. I wasn't overly attached to it anyway. And yet, at the same time, I'm severely disappointed in my craft and have the urge to make something perfect and beautiful in woodshop. I think I'll stop by there after studio today and have a chat with the shop monitor about making a chessboard. Or maybe I should start on my wire ornithopter...Anyone know how to bend wire into a subtle but exact curve?
O and I have no classes on Friday so I'm completely free after 4:30 on Thursday. That means shopping with my Benny-Bean! (Yup, that'll be my blog nickname for you, my dear. Sappy, isn't it? I told Rachel and she made a noise that was somewhere between amusement and totally wierded out - I took that as a sign of it being just perfect. Perhaps I'll come up with something more inventive later...)
O and I forgot to mention that Michael Moore has rescheduled and is coming to CMU some time soon...insane!

Snugglebug in the Sugarbowl

Yes, I'm getting sappier by the moment, but that's because Ben always calls me such cute sorts of things. While typing the title just now, I remember at Ben's brother's wedding, we were sitting at a table smooching and his cousin walked by and said, "O, you two go get a room!" I thought it was hilarious - Cindy's a funny lady.
Anyhoo, I've been quite sick lately, but I'm starting to feel better again. Last night I felt so well that I just kept working on my project in studio, right up until 4:30 am - and then I went back to my room and worked on my Japanese homework till 6 am, when I finally realized my brain was just too tired to concentrate, so I napped for a couple hours, finished that up, went to class, turned it in, and here I am. My site model's huge, I have to store it on it's side or no one can walk through the door, and when I'm completely done with it, it's going to take at least two people to bring it to crits - I hope it will fit through the door...I should check on that really quickly when I go back to studio in an hour...Still, staying up was a bad idea, I couldn't concentrate at all in Japanese...
On another interesting note, when I went back to my room for some dinner, that was around 10 last night, I checked my email and I was facebook-friended by a girl who was my best friend in elementary school. She has changed quite a bit from the way she was the last time I saw her - which was at the end of eighth grade. She's now playing in a band called Five Feet Deep (or was it Five Feet Under...no, I doubt that...) that consists of her and two boys and all of them are shorter than I am. Okay, well the tallest is my height...But anyway, since I myself am not considered a paragon of vertical bounty, I have to say, that's impressive. Life seems to have improved for her since I last saw her.
It made me wonder also, about middle school. If I had looked into the future then, could I have known that six years from then, she'd be studying psychology and playing in a band, or that I'd be an art student that has to also study physics? Looking back, I can see that the pschology and the music were quite logical for her - she always listened to interesting music and could pick out tunes on the piano with no difficiulty, as for the psychology, I think she mentioned that sometime... As for me, I always knew that I'd be an architect, but I didn't really know what "architect" implied. I always thought I'd make pretty houses like the ones in Architectural Digest, or be a fashion designer, or even a computer engineer like my daddy. I never figured I'd spike my hair whenever I have chance though, nor did I think I'd ever go anywhere other than Harvard. It's amazing how different life turns out in the end.

Sick, but not too much now

So it turns out I was right, I am quite sick. The past couple of days were just pklain miserable. I didn't have a voice, my throat hurt all day, I am pretty positive I was more than a little feverish. What made me really depressed was that I had no real time to rest up. All Monday was spent in class - I went to campus at 9:30 am on Monday and told the teacher I was unable to take the quix because it involved talking and I had no voice. I'll be making that up after studio today. After that, I went to studio and didn't leave until 5 o' clock, but then I had to walk all the way back at 6:30 for drawing class until 9, when I finally got back to the room, and I could finally do some homework, and study for the exam on the next day. And study I did, till 3 am. Skept badly, because my throat hurt so much. Yesterday was much the same, only last night, I had the bright idea of taking Nyquil before bed - sleeping was most wondrous - I only woke up once because I started coughing, and I went back to sleep dreaming dreams of drinking lots and lots of tea and ice water. No wonder my throat couldn't feel better, it was all in my head... I feel much better today though, I walked to class with a voice, lost it for a bit, hacked up a bunch of phlegm much to the disgruntlement of my neighbors who seemed to be scooching farther and farther away from me, the contagious one. At least I can talk, and I'm not feeling feverish. Now I must get back to that neverending thing called Studio.

Apple Blossom Candy Bar

Yes, that is one of my new nicknames from Ben. This weekend we went to his brother, Brandon's, wedding. I was a little worried - no dress to wear, slight case of tonsillitis, the fact that I didn't really know anyone other than Ben and his parents. Fortunately for me, my tonsils feel better, the skirt that I stole from May was "just perfect," and I made lots of new friends - a.k.a. Ben's cousins. I was supposed to sit with Ben's parents at the reception, but when I decided I wanted to eat, no one was at the table. It was the main table, for parents of the married couple and they all had to go around and meet and greet, so Ben's cousins "kidnapped" me over to their table. We all talked a lot and I had a rum and coke (those taste nasty...) and later on I had vodka with cranberry and pineapple juice. Surprisingly yummy. The dinner itself was very, very yummy. Chicken marsala was ..well, if I was all alone at home, I'd eat at least five pieces of chicken, but it was a wedding so I moderated and left a teeny bit of food on my plate (sigh). I kept looking back at Ben - he had to sit at a special table because he was part of the wedding party. He looked quite miserable, or maybe I just thought he looked miserable because he wasn't with me. He later told me the champagne made his stomach hurt. I don't blame him, that stuff's too bubbly. He kept disappearing on me every ten minutes and would always reappear with either a new mug of beer or the fresh scent of tobacco. I forgive him for the tabacco this time around, wedding being a special occasion and all. There was lots of dancing and lots of chatting - mostly with Ben's aunts and his cousins Doug and Jess, and Doug's girlfriend, Chrissy. Dancing was interesting...I could handle the slow dancing but when the beat was fast, Ben was kind of jerking me around everywhere...in sneakers, I'd keep up - in high heels...no...Healthwise I was fine most of the night - towards 10:30 I started coughing and I sent Ben in search of hot tea. He couldn't find any, but he did find more beer. Ah well. Things were nice, and then Ben's other cousin that I didn't really talk to - Kevin, made him chug a couple mugs of beer - first one was fine, second I could tell he was not feeling well. His dad drove us to his home after that and as he left to go back to the party, Ben's dad said, "Hon, I'm pretty sure he's trashed." Yes, he was. So I helped poor old Ben out of his nice shirt and his nice pants and helped pull off his nice socks and he fell asleep in his underwear with his glasses on. I kind of just left them on and went to brush my teeth - hopped into bed and was just about to fall asleep when he rolled on top of me, literally on top of me and lay there for a few seconds. And then he rolled completely off the bed and dashed out the door. "What's going on?" I ask Bo, his boxer puppy who was sitting next to the bed. She looks up at me questioningly and starts begging me to play with her. So I ignore her as she obviously wasn't going to even worry about Ben and I wandered out into the hall and he's in the next room over. He didn't want me to tell anyone this part, but I think it's funny and it's not as bad as he thinks it is - he had stuck his head into a box of cat litter and was tossing up all the alcohol he had chugged. I then picked him up and dragged him into the bathroom in case he wanted to puke some more - he just dry heaved into the sink a bit and rinsed out his mouth, and then ambled back onto the bed. So then I went back to sleep too. Woke up in the morning to see that he'd already let out the dog, cleaned up his puke and brushed his teeth. So I got up, did my cleaning bit and we went down and had breakfast with the family. Bacon and eggs and apple cider - good god that was the best breakfast I've had since...forever. And then Ben dropped me off and while kissing me goodbye, dubbed me his yummy "Apple Blossom Candy Bar." I sound yummy, don't I?

Nooooooo

Who's got tonsillitis? I do! I do! Hopefully it'll get better and I won't have to do anything drastic.

Sick

I think I'm slightly sick. Not sick sick, with fevers and the whole bit. My throat feels funny - not sore though, or phlegmy. I took a Nyquil gelcap thingy and ended up being an hour late to my statics class, not that the teacher minded. He was very easy going, and said that just as long as I do well on the tests, he's fine with that. Thank goodness.
Anyhoo, this is why I'm sick. We had a big history test this morning. I managed to procrastinate with the Sims 2 all week so I didn't actually get to start studying till around 11 o' clock last night. I studied till 2, dozed off on the couch, which is next to the air conditioner, and I woke up with a slight head cold. Whoops.
I had myself some soup, and warm foods, and tea. I don't quite know what's up though, somehow, I am starting to doubt it's sickness. I think it might be allergies. Lately when I go to studio, I get all snuffly, but when I'm back at my apartment, I feel perfectly fine. Maybe the allergies are starting to affect my throat - maybe that's it, it's difficult to swallow sometimes because my throat feels a lot tighter than it usually is. Well, I hope it's just allergies, and I hope it doesn't get any worse.
O, and to make my week that much worse, I went to dance on Tuesday, and the room that we use is officially a multi-purpose room. By multi-purpose, I mean that people eat in there, so there were teeny-tiny little ants crawling everywhere. I thought I'd gotten away from them unscathed but after taking a shower I started to get extremely, horribly itchy on my leg, my bum and my back. To make things worse, I was scratching at these bites in my sleep, and my nails being the diamond claws they are, cut into my skin and I have these horrible long gashes on my calf and the middle of my back...
So that's pretty cruddy. On the bright side, I'm going with Ben to his brother, Brandon's wedding. I don't have a dress, so I'm going to try to get Ben to take me to the mall to find one. Can you believe Ben and I have been together for about a month now? Time really flies...

Sleep

There's nothing like a big bowl of sesame noodles and a tall glass of coconut juice after a long day in crit reviews. I got home last night at around 10:30, gave Ben a call, made myself dinner and afterwards, decided I didn't feel like dragging myself back across campus. I notice I've been doing that a lot more this semester, where I don't work so much at night, and rather, opt to go to bed early and then work through the three hour break I get between Japanese class and studio. I think that perhaps this is a healthier way to do things. I think if I just skipped playing computer games, I could manage a good eight or nine hours of sleep a night. That would ruin my reputation as an archie, though. It is in our unspoken creed that we get no more than six hours maximum a night. Ah well, I guess I'll just downgrade to an engineer's lifestyle.

Strip

O glorious weekend! Why must you come to a close? On Friday night after class, I dragged myself to the Japanese movie festival. Why? Well, I had basically flunked a quiz that morning because I studied the wrong material for class (whoops) and I decided to make it up by getting the two points extra credit that comes with attending the Japanese movie festival. I trudged out of the room feeling very dour and anticipating boredom and extreme discomfort as I did with the last Japanese movie I watched, "Hotel Hibiscus." Imagine my surprise when "Twilight Samurai" turned out to be one of the Best movies Ever! I teared up quite a few times while watching it. Thankfully the ending was quite cathartic so I was able to look up when I walked out of McConomy. Yes, just a bit of advertising - if you haven't seen "Twilight Samurai," go watch! Anyhoo, to continue, after the movie, I was supposed to go to the architecture first year party. However, I felt melancholy after the movie so I decided to stay in for the night. Ben came over and we watched "the Cable Guy." It was an okay movie, very odd...
Anyhoo, the next morning, I got up and mooched around the apartment, did the dishes (again). Then I went out with good buddy Mike. First we went to lunch at Panera, and then we went to look for the salsa lessons we were supposed to go to. He mixed up the dates, sadly, but on the other hand, we got to go to the Strip District! We went into practically all the Asian markets and I stocked up on Chinese yummies. And then we went to a lot of specialty stores - pottery, cookware, metal-smithing, etc. I think we took a bit too long overall, Mike didn't get to go to his Greek market for his stuffed grape leaves (sowwy!) After that, Mike dropped me off at home and I lazed around the house a bit. Ben came by around 8 and we went to the Robinson Mall - larger than Danbury Mall, but much more confusingly laid out, and we shopped around. We perused Victoria's Secret just for kicks, and toyed with the idea of getting me a lacy g-string number. Except I'd probably only wear it once in my life, and it cost $30. I was looking at a lovely seamless bra, exactly the kind I've been searching endlessly for, also $30. I thought about buying it and Ben said that sadly he didn't have that much cash on him. I did, but I decided I didn't want it, and I gave Ben a kiss because he wanted to buy me something. He's so sweet... We went back to his place and watched "The Ring." Good god that movie is horrifyingly scary. Ben fell asleep while we watched it so he wasn't mentally there to keep me company. I just clung onto his inert body throughout the whole movie, occasionally using his shirt to hide my face, and I kind of cried on his shirt a bit, I was that scared (apparently Rachel cried a bit from fear too, so I'm not all that wierd - vivid imagination, she said - I think I'll use that excuse as well). By the time the movie was over, Ben was so tired, I just stayed the night with him (he has a Very comfy bed.) Woke up in the morning, very cold morning, and came down to a house full of Ben's family. I saw his mom and dad, as usual, and also one of his grandmas and his brother who is getting hitched this weekend. I do believe I'm going to the wedding with Ben. I think I have to find a dress... O yes, and I heard Mr. Gahring yelling on the phone with his mother - she's got dementia and that upsets him. I don't blame him.
So then I got back to the apartment, which was empty. I kept imagining creepy Samara from "The Ring" waiting for me somewhere, ready to scare me to death, literally. It was a very disturbing day. Then Rachel and Evan came back, and Christi, too, minutes after. And all was happy in my land. O yes, and I took the time to cook today. My repertoire has yet again expanded - this time, to include sesame noodles and "rice wine egg noodles." Yay!